The Affair

I don't think I even realized I was having an affair at first. I thought it was playful, sexual flirtation. Innocent in a sense. Crazy thinking but I know longer let my good sense guide me. I walked carefree through this part of my life not feeling the need to answer to anyone or anything. I was angry at the world. I was struggling to pay my bills to raise my children alone. I felt like it was me against the world. My sisters were distant, one lived in Kansas City and the other lived in Mt Zion but had little contact with me. I had no weekends off...no grandparents for my children...no one.

Mike was my escape. He made me feel wanted and pretty. He had so much to lose by seeing me but he did it anyway. I didn't think I had any feelings for him emotionally only physically. Now when I look back on that time I think I needed him too. He wasn't an ideal mate or father figure for my children so I didn't give it much thought past the physical aspect of things. I don't think I could deal with my true feelings.

I continued to be friends with Janet during the day. I would ask her what she and Mike had done the night before knowing all along he had been with me. She would tell me he had been out listening to his brother's band playing at different bars around town. I knew he wasn't there the whole time because after the kids went to sleep he would come over to my house. It was wrong, so very, very wrong, so shameful. I would ask Janet why she would put up with that crap. She never had an answer. (I think to her it was probably a relief because she had time for her affair too.)

I have heard many couples break up after the loss of a child and I think that was the driving force behind their breakup. I don't think Mike would have cheated with anyone had there been any hope of a good relationship with her. He was a decent, hard working man but he didn't want to be in a loveless marriage. I think he starting caring deeply for me. He didn't intend for that to happen either. Loving words were never exchanged between us but it was there, unspoken, but there despite the silence.

I became conflicted inside, after time. How could I do this to my friend? How could anyone? I started going to church again. The Catholic church, because it was the only religion I knew. I would get the girls up early in the morning and we would go to church before school each day. It was a very small group of church goers so we were allowed to go up to the altar and stand with the priest. It was an honor as most Catholic's have never stepped foot at the altar. Eventhough I was struggling inside I continued to see Mike. He was my drug...

It was now 1982, and I had been divorced for 4 years. I was still bitter, still struggling to make ends meet. It was summer and the girls and I went to Kansas City to spend vacation with my sister. We always had a great time in Kansas City. Linda always found inexpensive ways to entertain us. We would pack picnic lunches and take the kids to the mall or to the park. We would go to Worlds of Fun or the water park at least once. I loved Kansas City.

My sister and her husband sat me down while I was visiting and talked to me about moving to Kansas City. They felt that there were far more oppurtunities for work out there. I had always been afraid to leave to Decatur because it was my home, all I had ever known. Kansas City was like going to the jungle to me. There were highways everywhere, it took forever to get anywhere. I didn't think I could do it. Linda and Bob made it easy. They offered to let us stay with them until I found a job and a place to live. For the first time in my life I really considered actually doing it.

By the time I went home I had made up my mind to move. I could not stop seeing Mike. I had to quit seeing him before I hurt Janet. I loved her and I did not ever want to hurt her. I needed to make a clean break, no tapering off, done, over with, finito!!

It seemed like the best solution for all of us. Stephanie was getting ready to start kindergarten at Washington School, she would be a minority. I was really worried about that. I felt like there were so many negatives things in Decatur, so much pain. I was mustered up lots and lots of courage and I decided, YES, it was time to move, time to change. I had to go full steam ahead, no looking back only moving forward. I was so scared but it didn't matter I had to do something to change my life, to end this affair.

On Monday I went into work and gave my 2 weeks notice...there it was done. No going back now I was committed, determined, and frighten.

The Betrayal

When Janet finally came back to work, she was different. She was no longer full of joy and laughter. There was a sadness about her that everyone saw but no one talked about. After time, Janet began confiding in me that their marriage wasn't what it seemed. She didn't like having sex with Mike anymore and it was becoming a problem. I look back at this part of my life and the shame consumes me. I don't know how my mind started playing tricks on me but I started thinking strange things while I listened to her. Here she was not interested in having sex with her husband and that was the one thing that I was good at in life. In my mind it all made sense...

I found myself drawn to Mike. We had gotten to know each other better during and after the loss of the baby. It was like a sign suddenly appeared over his head stating that he was available. We started mutually flirting with each other. I think he appreciated the attention from me as much as I did him. What could it hurt? I didn't want to take him away from her...I just wanted to have sex with him. Who could possibly get hurt? She would never have to know. It seemed perfect...in my mind.

I don't remember how it started, I don't remember our first kiss, our first touch. It just seemed to happen. It was so secret, so daring, so wrong, so wonderful. At first it was just stolen kisses and private glances. We even kissed in front of Janet and she just laughed it off. I needed her to grab me by my hair and snatch me off his lap. She needed to tell to back off her husband, but she didn't. I didn't know why back then, later I found out she was having an affair with someone in her acting troupe! It still didn't make it right.

Mike started walking me out to my car from the Limelight bar. It was dark and he didn't want me walking out there alone. Or at least that is what we told everyone. We shared many stolen kisses out there in the dark. It was hard to leave each other. I don't think either of us wanted to cross the line to having sex. Janet had to have known what was going on but she never came outside to check on us. In a way I think she probably wanted out of the marriage and had stopped caring. It still didn't make it right.

The night finally came when we crossed the line. It was exciting, more exciting than anything I had ever experienced. We became addicted to each other. We took chances all the time to be together even when she was in the next room. It was a wild time in my life. I continued to see other men that always turned out to be one night stands. I didn't care, I wasn't married, I wasn't doing wrong. I continued to tell myself those lies so I could look in the mirror.

Best Friends

Janet and I worked together at Northtown Bank. We became friends right away. We took breaks together and had lunch together almost everyday for many years. We shared everything. She told me all about her life and her with her husband, Mike.

I thought Janet & Mike had a great relationship. They were one of the couples that I partied with on the weekends. We were wild and crazy. Mike and Janet both lead seperate lives but seemed meet in the middle. I liked that. She was always free to do girl things with me or to spend time with me and my girls. She even baked a birthday cake for them on their birthdays. She was wonderful, everyone liked her. I thought she was so funny. I didn't really like Mike much at all. I couldn't see what she saw in him but they seemed to be happy.

Mike was a really big guy, tall, around 6'6" to be exact. He wore really strange clothes and colored Converse high top tennis shoes. His hair was long and wild. He had a big, bushy beard and he was scary looking. My girls were afraid of him at first. He used to use a fork to comb his mustache, not appealing at all. We spent a lot of time at their house. We had cookouts on the weekends and their friends became my friends. Hardly a weekend went by that we weren't all together.

One day while at morning break with Janet and friends, she annouced that she was pregnant. I was hurt because she hadn't told me first. I remember feeling upset but I don't know why it bothered me. I was kind of angry in a way because I thought she and Mike weren't getting along. I wondered if this might bring them closer together. I couldn't imagine Mike as a father.

I went through the pregnacy with her, sharing clothes and throwing a baby shower for her. I was excited as her baby grew inside her. Toward the end of the pregancy when she was 8 1/2 monthes I noticed she looked very pale. She told me she didn't feel very good and was going to the doctor that afternoon. Later that day I got a call telling me that the baby was to be still born. I left work immediately and went to the hospital to be with her. We cried together and tried to comfort each other but there are no words of comfort for that type of situtation. Janet was induced and had to go through labor and then deliver the baby. Mike and I took turns staying with her while she prepared to deliver her dead child. It was gut wrenching.

When the baby was delivered she was named Margaret Kathleen. Margaret for Janet's grandmother and Kathleen for me. I was deeply touched. I heartbroken, my friend had lost her child. On the day of the funeral, Mike carried Margaret in a little white coffin no bigger than an ice chest. He walked bravely to her gravesite to lay her to rest. I cried harder than anyone, Janet was in shock. It took her years to recover if she ever really did.

Losing myself

I don't remember how things changed on a day to day basis but I changed after Frank married Gloria. I felt vindictive to everyone especially men. I felt no shame. I felt that it was time for me to do all the things I had never done. I wanted to go drinking and dancing and screwing anyone and everyone. I started to take better care of myself, to lose weight to throw out my homemade polyester pantsuits. It took time but I had time, lots of time.

I have many, many regrets that would encompass the next 20 years. I wasn't the kind of mother I was proud of anymore. I felt like the girls were too much sometimes. I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I shipped the kids off to the babysitter overnight for $10.00 whenever I had the extra money. I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be. I didn't go to PTA meetings at school. I didn't take off work to attend school functions, I treated my daughters the way my dad and treated me. I turned out okay surely they would too.

I started to hang out with friends and go to the bars. I started drinking heavily so that I could get drunk. If I was drunk I could use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do without guilt. I started sleeping with strangers that I met in my drunken stupor. I thought that if someone was willing to have sex with me then I must be pretty, I must be desireable. It wasn't until the next day that reality would hit me square in the face....I wasn't pretty, I was a slut. It didn't stop me though, I continued with a vengance. I wanted to keep a scorecard to prove to myself that I was wanted. I wanted Frank to know, but he never did. He had moved on, he was happy, I was wallowing in self pity.

I wish I didn't remember the bad things, the scarey things that I did. Some things, most things are still playing in the recesses of my mind. I am ashamed of those things but I wasn't then. I was trying to be someone different. It was like the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I was one person during the day and another on the weekends. I lived a double life. It didn't matter to me who I hurt along the way. I didn't care if the guy was married or not. I didn't want to take him away from his family I just wanted him for the night, or so I told myself. I wasn't married why should I feel bad? The guy would have cheated anyway, why not with me?

My conquests were many and each had a story. Some were funny, once in awhile some were even a bit scary. I put myself in dangerous situations and sometimes my own children could have been in harms way but I was putting my needs and desires first. So much regret, so many mistakes. So many times I wished I could go back and change the past.

More pain and disappointment...

I was working at Northtown Bank in the bookkeeping department. I was learning how to be part of the working world and I loved it. I was promoted to Customer Service after a year. I was worried about working with the public because myself confidence was so low. What I found out was that I liked working with the public. I was good with people, really good. I balanced checkbooks for people that were having problems. I loved helping them and finding the mistakes. I learned that the banks rarely, rarely make mistakes. I also learned to hold my tongue when customers yelled at me, saying the bank was stealing their money. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I balanced their checkbook and got the privilege of showing them their mistakes. It became a game to me. I loved working at the bank.

I had lots of friends at work. Frank was wrong people liked me, they even thought I was funny! Wow! How cool was that? People wanted to eat lunch with me and shop with me. We had a group of friends that even went out dancing at night. I spent a lot of weekends dancing. I wasn't a good dancer but I loved dancing. The more I drank, the better I danced! I was the girl that everyone laughed at because I thought I could dance to "Rocky Top." I must have looked like a fool but I didn't care, it was all in fun.

Surprisingly enough, Frank, came back into my life. He had been dating Gloria for a few months but he he realized he wanted to be with us again. He told me she was crazy and he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, they were done. He wanted to do whatever it took to make me happy, to get our lives back on track, to be a family. I missed him too, I was different. I was the person he had married many years before. I was fun and confident. We started seeing each other on the weekends for real dates. He bought me a birthday gift for the first time that didn't have anything to do with cleaning the house! I pair of black high heels for work. We went to many nice places for dinner and had a really good time. I thought we were getting back together. I was happy.

I had a work schedule that was from Tuesday through Saturday. I remember it was on a Monday afternoon. I was at home in my nightgown, cleaning the kitchen. I was doing all the heavy duty stuff like cleaning under the refrigerator when I heard someone knock at the door. I was sweaty, smelly, and covered in dust. I felt the panic of knowing someone was watching me through the glass front door. I looked up between pieces of my fallen hair. It was Frank at the door. I was really surprised because he should have been at work that day. I was happy to see him though. I pushed my hair out of the way and went to the door. I apologized for my appearance but when I looked at him I knew something was wrong. I asked him what he wasn't doing there on a Monday.
He told me he had to talk to me. I thought maybe he was going to ask me to marry him or move in with him or something. I was wrong, very wrong.

He told me that Gloria had spoken with him and told him that she was pregnant from when they had been dating. He told me that he was going to marry her and raise the baby. I hear the words and I could see his mouth moving but I felt removed from the situation. I stood there looking at him not believing what I was hearing. I said, "but you said she was crazy and you didn't want to be with her. You want to be with me." I was almost pleading with him to remember his words. He was doing the stand up thing, the right thing. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. He turned to leave, he didn't look back, he just left. I didn't see him again for a very long time. He did indeed marry Gloria. She forbid him from seeing the girls because that meant that he would see me.

I couldn't believe that I had started to open my heart to Frank and he left me. It was easier when I did it to him, now the shoe was on the other foot for me. It was awful. I don't remember ever feeling that low that hurt. I made up my mind then and there that no one would ever get the chance to hurt me like that again. I would never marry, never love anyone again. My heart harden that day and stayed hard for many years.

7 Stages of Divorce

I have read that there are 7 stages in a divorce...Breakdown, Shock, Anger, Pain, Hatred, Grief, and Acceptance. I believe it. A lot of my stages occurred during the latter part of my marriage, long before I actually divorced. I was disassociating with Frank long before I left. My life as a single mom was new everyday. I had no script to follow, I learned to wing it. I missed my old life of comfort, not having to worry where I would get the money for groceries or bills. Frank had always been a good provider. There were many things about him that I loved and missed. I just didn't love him enough or me either for that matter.

I had to learn to grocery shop in a different manner too. I could only afford the generic brand of food. Everything we had in our cupboards was wrapped in a white label with black lettering. The green beans always had part of the stalk in the can, it was gross and I hated it. I wanted to have Del Monte in my cupboard again. I wanted to never again have to buy generic food, but I paid the bills first and what was left went for groceries. Many times we did without and ate off brand cereal for supper. I can remember when my sister, Linda, would come to town to visit, she would go to Aldi's and stock up on food. I would come home from work and my kitchen floor would be covered with grocery sacks full of food. It was like Christmas to me. She will never know how much I appreciated those times and there were many times she helped me. She and Bob were there many times to lend me money when I didn't have any. They were always there for me.

I sunk really low during those times. I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die. I was relieved to not have to listen to Frank's demands anymore. Little by little I found the girl I had lost all those years ago. I learned that I could make decisions on my own. I could laugh again, I could wash the car and not dry it off, I could raise my girls the way I wanted. I liked who I was becoming for the most part, but there was a girl/woman in me that had been suppressed for years by marriage and obedience. I liked staying up late and eating cereal for breakfast. I liked not eating at the table at supper. I liked that it was just me and my girls. I always wanted to be a mom, but not a wife.

My house became the place for everyone to hang out. My friends came over on the weekends and we would play cards. They would smoke like fiends while I tried to breathe. They drank beer and sometimes smoked grass. It was not a healthy environment for my kids in today's standards but back then it was the norm. I usually was the odd person out because I was the responsible one. I had to be a mom and I had to work. I couldn't 'let go' because I had to think of my children. I felt left out at night when they would leave and go to the bars. I had to stay home and be responsible.

Those were good times too though. None of my friends had much money so we pooled our resources and had many meals together. We were a family of friends. We took turns providing the meat for the meals. One time one of the guys actually shot a rabbit and brought it home for dinner that night. That was the night I ate a bologna sandwich. He told stories of how the rabbit screamed as it died, it was horrible! Another time one of the guys brought a live chicken to my house. We named him, Mr Kentucky, and he watched TV with us that night. The next day they took him in my basement and killed him. They fixed him for dinner. I had another bologna sandwich.

I found that being with my friends was what I lived for. I started to feel like I was living the life I had missed out on by marrying so very young. I probably wasn't the best of mother's back then. I regret that too. I was torn between being extremely responsible and being the wild girl that never got to party. Sometimes I made the right decision and sometimes I didn't.

One of the worst decisions that I made at that time was meeting, Mike Carlson. He was from California and was a friend of some of my weekend buddies. He had long hair and looked like, Conan the Barbarian, from the movies. He was rough, tough and ruggedly handsome. He was a charmer...he was trouble. He had no place to live so I let him stay with us. I fell 'in love' with him but it was never reciprocated. He put up with me and my adoring ways just to have a place to live. Sometimes I would sit and watch him drink, hoping that he would get so drunk that he would find me attractive. I think over the years we probably did have sex a couple of times...but even liquor didn't change the way he felt about me. I was like a sister to him...those dreaded words of, 'I love you like a sister' rang true for him.

This unhealthy relationship/friendship would carry on for 4-5 years before I finally had enough. He came in and out of our lives many times over the years. He had crazy girlfriends that would drive by my house at night, beat on my windows, call me names and he would cower inside. He loved my daughters and played with them. I thought it was good for them to have a 'father figure' in their lives. That is another regret I have.

I never knew when Mike, would be at my house. I could come home late at night and he would be asleep on my couch. I would welcome him back with open arms because in the back of my mind I thought one day he would realize I was the girl for him. I supported him financially while he attended welding school to become a union welder. He promised to pay me back, to buy me a new couch, to take care of us when he starting making money...promises that were all left undone. He moved out as soon as he started making money. But he returned many times after that. He always had a stack of cash, twenties usually on my dresser. I doubt that he even knew how much money he had because he was always drunk. I started taking one or two twenties off the stack to buy groceries, I never told him. I felt guilty about it, I shouldn't have, but I did.

Mike and I parted ways when I moved to Kansas City. I left town partly to get away from him. I couldn't say no to him. Even after I moved away, I continued to visit him and his new wife and family. He had a son and a beautiful little red headed daughter. His wife was a gentle and kind spirit. I took my daughters with me when visited. I finally felt comfortable with him as my 'brother' and maintained the relationship in that manner. I still found him wildly attractive but I no longer fantasized about a relationship with him. I had moved on. He and his wife later divorced and he moved on to yet another relationship. It was many years later that my daughter came to me and told me that he had sexually molested her at night, when I was asleep in my bed and I thought he was asleep on my couch. I was so extremely devastated. How could he do that to my child?

When I did finally find out many years had passed since the molestation. I contacted the security department at Yellow Freight to him them track him down. They came to me in 24 hrs with his address, all of his neighbors addresses, more information then I ever dreamed possible. He was living with a woman that had young daughters. I contacted his former wife to ask why they had divorced only to find out that he had sexually molested his precious, tiny daughter since she was a toddler. His daughter was under psychiatric care because of what here dad had done to her. I was sick to my stomach, why hadn't I seen what he was? Why was I so blind, so stupid, so irresponsible?

I had Mike's phone number so I called his new wife/girlfriend and told her what he was. I told she had to protect her daughters before he hurt them. She, like me, didn't believe that he could be like that. She didn't listen, she hung up on me. I waited until later and I called again. Mike answered the phone. I told him who I was, he was thrilled to hear from me. He kept saying, "Oh, Kath, I love you, I miss you so much, I am so glad you called." He had no idea that I knew what he really was. I told him I knew what he had done, I told him I hated him, that I would haunt him forever and that I would tell everyone. He cried and denied everything. Everyone was a liar, not him, he would never hurt anyone. Bullshit! I hung up on him. I did call him and remind him for years...I finally realized it didn't change anything so I quit calling.

There is so much that I have forgotten that first year of my divorce. It was so painful, it was so hard and I had so many regrets. What would happen to me, to my girls....who would take care of me now. Frank was right no one would ever want me.

Starting a new life

I was awarded custody of the girls and Frank was ordered to pay child support of $35 per week per child a total of $70.00. He was fine with the arrangements at first. He loved the girls and missed them desperately. At first he did visit with them at the appointed time per the court. I was happy for him to take the girls anytime he wanted them. I wanted him to be their daddy, to be in their lives. He told me how hard it was to leave them when his visitation was over. I knew it was and I also knew that it would have been impossible for me for not have them in my life everyday. We did both love the girls unconditionally. We even loved each other but not enough to make a life together.

Frank seemed to go on with his life and he seemed be blooming into a new person. After the divorce I had a rough time adjusting to my new life. I was living in a new place and sleeping on a broken couch. My dining room chairs were held together with wire and wiggled when we sat in them. Frank was still living in our house waiting for the sale to go through. He was busy furnishing his mobile home. His new car had arrived and he was living the life of the perfect bachelor. I was lonely and miserable, what had I done to myself and my children?

Finally the sale of the house went through, we were able to get completely out of debt and start fresh. Frank had perfect credit...I had none. Nothing had been in my name, everything was a joint account. It didn't matter that I had paid the bills and maintained the household budget. I had not held a job for almost 7 years...I was nothing in the world of credit. I couldn't even be a member of the Mueller Credit Union anymore! I felt like a third class citizen. I was angry but it didn't matter. I had to rebuild my life, my credit, my banking account. It wasn't right, it was fair...but no one said life is fair.

I was working steady now and taking the girls to a daycare. The lady I had hired was about my age. She and I would visit after work while the kids played. She and I became friends, it was nice to have a girlfriend to talk to. I had missed that for many years. Unfortunately, our friendship didn't last long. I found out that she and her husband had an 'open' marriage and they were swingers. She asked me to sleep with her husband. Being the polite person I was I thanked her for considering me but declined the offer. It was very hard to take the girls to her house after that, but I had no other options. My visits after work stopped and I lost the one friend that I had. I began a search for a new sitter but couldn't find one for a long time.

My sister and her husband owned a small 2 bedroom house not far from my duplex. It was in the same school district that Jennifer attended. The rent was more than what I was currently paying but I could rent out the garage for $40 a month for storage to a friend. I was excited. I would live in a house again. I would be able to hook up my washer and dryer and do laundry at home again. I was thrilled. I moved into my new home and life started to look brighter.

Frank had moved to his new home but our king sized bed wouldn't fit in his bedroom, so he gave it to me. I finally could sleep in a real bed again. I still wasn't able to get the 'click' couch to sit in an upright position so someone gave me one they were going to throw away. It was bright orange, red and yellow striped velour. I was thrilled to have it! My sister, Janet, gave me a green vinyl rocker to complete my new living room set. I had rust color shag carpet that I had laid myself and a real fireplace! Wow, my life was going to be great!

Frank had quit visiting with the girls. I was surprised by that decision. He told me it hurt him to much to not see them all the time. It was easier for him to pretend they didn't exist. I really think he meant what he said. I knew he loved them and I knew he missed them. I didn't think he would actually stop seeing them altogether though. I didn't care that he wasn't going to be a part of our lives anymore...I wanted to move on. He wasn't a part of the equation.

One day I was outside and an older lady came up to me and introduced herself to me. She was a member of St James Catholic Church and had known my mother when I was little. I had went to school with her daughter when we were little. She told me that she did daycare in her home. She asked if she could watch my girls. She lived around the corner from us, within walking distance. She was also $5 per week cheaper. I felt like God had intervened to help me get my girls out of that crazy daycare they were in. I was dancing in the clouds. Finally my kids would be in a good Catholic home, with a large Catholic family. I could feel safe again. She also offered to keep the girls overnight for only $10 additional if I ever wanted a weekend night to myself.

It is funny how trusting we were in those days. I didn't even check out any references for the new sitter. I never toured her house, never asked what they did or what they ate. I relied totally on the fact that they were a good Catholic family, that had known my mother. The father was well known in Decatur and not only had his own business but ran for public office. I was asked not to show up unannounced because they had a bull dog that only liked the children, not the adults. The dog was mean and had to be contained, I believed them...I needed to believe them.

The girls stayed there for 5 years while I continued to work. I began taking advantage of the overnight stays so that I could go out with my friends. There were times when the girls would cry and beg me not to make them spend the night but I ignored them. I thought that they were just trying to get me to stay home. I had no one to help me with the girls, because Frank didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I wanted time to just be me, not mom, just 'me' for a little while. I regret not listening....I regret it...I regret it. It wasn't until many, many years later that I found out that on those nights when I was out having fun, my daughter was being molested by the older boys in the family...the good Catholic family....the family I trusted with my precious children. By the time I found out it was too late to pursue the matter. I had let my children fall in harms way and I didn't even see it.

The Divorce

After we had both agreed to divorce, I suddenly realized in had no plan. I had been a 'stay at home mom' for 5 years and I had no money of my own. I felt extremely guilty about the divorce so I wanted to make it easy on Frank. He never wanted the divorce, he just knew I wasn't going to change my mind. We were still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed but going in different directions. I loved Frank but I wasn't 'in love' with him and I don't know if I ever was. I think I still feel some sort of love for him even after all these years...it baffles me to this day. Maybe because we needed each other so much in the beginning, we made our little family together, many reasons I guess.

I had to look for a job and a place to live. I could have legally stayed in our house until the kids were 18 but we needed to sell the house to pay our bills. I wouldn't have even been responsible for the bills, if my attorney had had his way. I felt like Frank was the one that went to work everyday and earned the living. I stayed home, watched TV, ate, and racked up his credit cards shopping. I felt guilty for doing those things. I was extremely fair in the divorce settlement almost to a fault. I didn't think I could afford $173.00 for the mortgage payment so I agreed to sell the house!!

I found a job right away at Northtown Bank on Pershing Rd in the bookkeeping department. I had previous experience because I had worked for Soy Capital Bank when I was younger (Frank's 2nd wife ended up working for Soy Capital also, small world). I had a hard time committing to a start date because I couldn't believe the wheels I had put in motion were actually turning. After finding work I had to find childcare for the girls too. I was so scared, I really don't know how I did it.

Frank busied himself too with plans. He started brushing his teeth and wearing cologne, he even bought new clothes. I knew something was up then, brushing his teeth was a drastic change for him. His mother had set him up with a nurse that she worked with at St Mary's. He was starting to date and I hadn't even left yet. All of a sudden I didn't want anyone to have him, I didn't want him to be happy. I planned on keying her car and I didn't even know her. I felt betrayed by his mother and by him. I was miserable.

The wheels kept turning and things kept falling into place. My friend's parents had a duplex they were fixing up to rent. It had two bedrooms and was right next door to Roach Elementary School. Jennifer could walk to school everyday. The rent on the duplex was going to be $185.00, more than the house payment was! I decided to take it. I had to wait awhile because it was being painted so I had to stay with Frank. I found a babysitter for the girls. She charged $40.00 per week for both of the kids. It was a lot of money but she seemed nice and the school had given me her name as a reference.

I was home one day and the phone rang so I answered it. It was the bank letting me know I had been approved for my loan. "Loan, I said, what loan are talking about?" She said, "the loan for your mobile home." "Really, I said, I didn't know I had applied for one." A very flustered young lady on the phone said, "Oh, I am so sorry this loan is in your husband's name not yours. I shouldn't have called you!" So I was moving into a rented old duplex and he was buying a mobile home. He also ordered a brand new 1978, Z28, Camaro, in black to be delivered in the spring! I guess he must have decided the divorce was a good idea after all!

I borrowed money from Household Finance and had my sister, Janet, co-sign for me so I could pay my attorney. He made easy money off me, I wanted nothing, I just wanted out. I gave Frank all of the furniture except for the washer & dryer, the girl's beds and dressers and old broken furniture in the basement. He got the refrigerator, stove, console TV, stereo, our bedroom furniture, living room furniture, the best dishes, towels and everything else. I took very little. I didn't even have a bed, I slept on our old "click" couch that no longer worked. It stayed in a flat position all the time, so when you sat on it for a couch you couldn't lean back without falling.

I had my friend Steve and Frank's brother, Gary, help me move into my duplex. It caused quite a riff between Gary and his family because he had helped me. I couldn't have done it without him and I will always be grateful that he stepped up to help me. I was very close friends with his wife Connie, who is now deceased. Frank's family on the whole continued to be nice and loving to me and the girls up until this very day. On moving day, we moved most of the stuff while Frank was at work. When he came home, he was hot! He locked us all out of the house and wouldn't let us get the last load. He calmed down later and brought over to my new home a few days later.

We were lucky and sold our house quickly. We made enough money to pay off all of our debts and have a little left over. I ended up with the car and he got his truck and motorcycle and some cash from me because the car was worth more. It was a very favorable divorce for Frank. I actually moved out of the house in November but the divorce wasn't final until March the following year.

At first when I moved out, Frank still had all of the bills to pay at our house. He was making the car payments too. His buddies told him how stupid he was for paying for my car while I was driving it...so he took it from me! Just like that, he came over took the car and hid from me. I didn't have a way to work. That is what he wanted, he wanted me to come home. He wanted to have control over me again. I was determined not to let that happen. I made a few calls. My brother-in-law, Bob, called a friend of his and his buddy let me borrow his car.

Now I have to tell you I wasn't in a position to be picky. I had to take what I was given. That was a 1960 something Ford Fairlane. It ran well but the drivers door was broken. I had to drive with the window partially down in the winter so I could tie it closed with a rope! I did it! I drove that car until Frank relented and brought mine back. He no longer could control me. I was proud of myself.

I do have regrets about divorcing Frank. I regret not standing up to him. I regret not talking to him and telling him what was wrong, what I needed from him. I never gave him a chance to make things right because, I didn't think he would do it for me. I didn't think I was worth saving. I didn't think he loved me enough to make the changes I needed. The only attempt he made at getting back together was to tell me that his lawyer told him that we should reconcile. I think that was his way of telling me he wanted to make it work. Instead it pissed me off that he was speaking the words of his attorney, not himself.

I cried that day in the courtroom. Frank didn't even show up for the divorce. It was March 15th, the Ides of March. I was free at last. I was scared. I was alone. I cried that day, I had destroyed my family....

Making a decision

Sometimes I think being married into Frank's family was like being part of the Mafia. They were a family that lived by their own rules, the rules the rest of us lived by didn't apply to them. They were not close, but they were tight. They didn't speak to each other often but if one was in trouble you could be assured that the whole family would be at your doorstep. They all had secrets...lots of secrets. Almost everyone in the family knew the secrets, but we weren't to tell anyone that we knew. It was a crazy system. I hate liars, I am a very open and honest person, almost to a fault. My policy is, if you don't want to know what I am thinking then don't ask me! I was afraid what would happen if Frank and I divorced. The brothers were known to move furniture out of the house and hide it at another family members house if divorce was on the horizon. They would 'sell' to each other for a $1 and then buy it back after the divorce.

We spent a lot of time with Frank's family because he didn't like me spending time with my family. I just went along, to get along. Every, 4th of July, went to Argenta, Il, to spend the day with his sister and her family. It was a fun day for the most part. I can remember, July 1977, I was sitting by myself in a lawn chair looking at everyone. I was thinking to myself that I would never be a part of this again. This was my last year, of spending, 4th of July, with his family. I was sad and excited. I loved his family, they were always good to me. I think they felt sorry for me sometimes. They knew in the back of their minds what life was like for me. Frank was lazy and didn't know how to do anything. He always had to call his brothers to help with household fixes. I would miss his family in my own way.

In my mind, I started back that summer to make plans to leave Frank. I was still hoping that when August rolled around that the 2 weeks at summer camp would be enough to get me through. That wasn't going to happen, as it turned out. I must have started acting differently because Frank knew something was wrong. I remember standing in the living room looking out the window, feeling so alone. Frank said to me out of the blue, "I'm thinking about enlisting in the Army." I turned around and looked at him and said, "What are you talking about?" It opened the flood gate that needed to be opened. I said, "You know I am unhappy, don't you?" I don't know if he really did or not but he agreed. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I think he was deeply shocked and surprised, but he never let it show. He did what he always did when he was mad, he left on his motorcycle.

I sat on the couch for along time after he left. I was in shock, I had said it out loud. I wanted a DIVORCE! There it was out, I couldn't unring the bell once it had been rung. I was living alone anyway or at least it felt that way. I don't think I have ever been as frighten as I was that day. I was worried what Frank might do too, but I really didn't care anymore either. I felt a sense of freedom but not much had changed...I just opened my mouth and the words tumbled out.

I sat alone in my dazed world for awhile when I heard Frank's motorcycle pull into the driveway. I could feel my stomach knot up into it's familiar ball of nerves. Would he be angry...would he hit me...what would happen now? No one divorced from the family and got away scott free.

The man that walked in the door looked like a broken shell of the person I had seen only hours earlier. He sat next to me on the couch and cried. He told me that he had tried to kill himself on his motorcycle but he didn't have the nerve to do it. He wanted me and the girls to have his life insurance and he would be out of our lives for good. I couldn't believe what I was hearing....this man wanted to kill himself for me?

But my heart had harden over time and I wasn't going to stop what I had already started. I was going to be on my own and I was going to raise my children without him. I wasn't going to fall for the tears I wasn't going to listen to false promises...I was done. The tears were much too late...the words meant nothing, I had made a decision and I wasn't backing down now.

Difficult times...

Steffie, me (in my blue night gown) and Jenny

After Stephanie was born, I think that was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was never diagnosed with post partum depression but I think I most definitely had it. I could feel that Frank and I were growing further and further apart. My babies were my life my redeeming grace. Frank left us alone a lot to ride around in his truck or to ride his motorcycle. He spent a lot of time at his friends house, the same ones that stood up with us at our wedding. They were and unusual couple and I really didn't feel part of them. They had an 'open' marriage and often hosted drinking parties at their house. There were underage girls there quite often. (The husband, Jeff, the best man was later arrested for sexually molesting his 5 y/o daughter. He died in prison.)

Frank's name was hooked to a 15 y/o girl name Gloria, (which he would marry later in life.) She was a wild child and had been around the block a time or two. She was pregnant at fifteen and it was rumored that Frank was the father. He had also been linked to her best friend Marlena. I didn't believe the rumors, after all he didn't want sex with me so why would he want it with them? I was very naive'. He was the one that came home and told me the rumors, we just laughed at them. Gloria, was the babysitter for his friends, so she was at the house most of the time he was there. There were other girls that wanted Frank too. No one could understand what he would see in a 200lb+ woman like me. I couldn't understand it either. But believe it or not we loved each other.

My eating was out of control again. I lived in a blue nightgown. I didn't wash my hair, take a bath, or brush my teeth for days on end. I could barely function. I did try to get dressed right before Frank came home from work. I would have supper ready and the house straighten but that was all done at the last minute. During the day I sat and watched soap opera's because their lives seemed so glamorous. Jennifer helped me to take care of Stephanie. I was in such a fog, I don't remember many details of that time. I am sure I wasn't a very good mother.

Stephanie's eyes were noticeably crossed but I ignored it. At one of her checkups the doctor said it out loud, so I had to acknowledge it. I had to do something about it. He told me it was a birth defect. For the rest of my life I carried guilt for having caused the birth defect...surely it was the nose spray I had used. She was late in walking and I think it was because she couldn't focus. Her line of vision was very fuzzy. I did not push her because I didn't want to her to grow up. I wanted her to be my baby forever.

I was not the only one that was not very hygienic. Frank hadn't brushed his teeth in over a year! He had poor dental care growing up, probably never seeing a dentist as a young boy. By the time he got to see a dentist they had to pull all of his upper teeth. He had to get an upper plate. Between both of us not taking care of ourselves, I think we both knew that life wasn't good. But we didn't know how to communicate it to each other. I said nothing, he said nothing.

Frank and I never had an argument because I was afraid to dispute anything he said. I was afraid he would leave me. I regret doing that now because my anger turned inward and I destroyed myself in the process of holding it all inside. I began to detach myself from Frank, months before I ever left him. It was easier for me because I was ready, he wasn't.

Frank and I had started bowling on a couples league with our friends, Steve & Cathy. Frank was a really good bowler and was on two men's leagues already. We pretty much raised Jennifer in the bowling alley. I used to love to watch him bowl but I was always on guard. Frank would grill me on bowling etiquette what to do and not to do. I was not to talk to the other bowlers unless they addressed me first. I did enjoy visiting with the other wives though. I learned how to crochet from one of the wife's. I took bowling lessons in the mornings to learn to bowl. I loved to bowl but I am not good at it. Frank would get really angry at me when we bowled on the couples league. He criticized every ball I threw. I was a nervous wreck. Once when it was hot in the bowling alley, I stood by the fan on the ball return and let the air blow up my blouse. Frank was furious! I had embarrassed him. Steve and Cathy laughed about it, but Frank packed up his ball right then and there and left. We were in the middle of league bowling against another team. I was mortified, but finally others could see how he treated me.

After Frank left me stranded at the bowling alley. I stayed and had a Coke with Steve and Cathy. For the first time I talked about our marriage to someone. I told them everything from the very beginning. I think they were totally shocked. I felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from me. Finally someone knew what my life was like. I told them we hadn't had sex in 18 months. We were like friends living together raising children. I think that happens more than anyone wants to admit. I didn't want to live that way at 24 y/o.

That was the last night we bowled together. Frank quit the couples league and we never spoke about it again. National Guard summer camp was coming up with in a month or so. Frank would be gone for 2 weeks. I was hanging on until then. I knew I could make it another year if I was able to have those 2 weeks to regroup in my head. I wanted to be married til death due us part...(thank goodness I didn't wait for that to happen!) Things changed between us after that night. I changed. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Someone knew my secret. Steve had always been a close friend to us. He and I became closer after that. He would stop by when Frank was at work and just sit and talk to me. He made me feel good about myself. I started taking care of myself again. I started losing weight. I looked forward to his visits.

I don't really remember how it started but things eventually became physical between Steve and I. He was attracted to me, but he was also known as a player. He cheated on his wife, Cathy, and she returned the favor. She even had a brief encounter with Frank. It was a mixed up time of secrets between all of us. Steve and I never actually had sex while I was married, but there was a lot of kissing and flirting going on. He gave me the courage to become myself again. I no longer even slightly resembled the girl Frank had married or been attracted to just 6 years ago.

I was so depressed I didn't want to live any longer. The only reason I didn't commit suicide is because of my girls. I didn't want anyone else to raise them. They needed me and I certainly needed them. I did go see a counselor once at the Macon County Mental Health Clinic. I cried the entire session, I don't even know if I spoke to him. I never went back, but I did start on antidepressants.

In my head I started to make plans to leave Frank. I was better off alone. I wouldn't have to answer to him anymore, I wouldn't have to be perfect. I felt like a single parent anyway. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was going to change my life. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that summer camp was just around the corner for the National Guard. I just needed to hang on a little longer.

Time for a change

Jenny & Steffie

Life for us had become very routine. I was still a lonely, fat housewife and Frank was still the hard worker. Jennifer on the other had was a delight. She was so fun and loving. She was outgoing and very popular in the neighborhood. She would ride her Big Wheel up and down the sidewalk making friends with all the neighbors sitting on their front porches. She loved people. She always had friends but wasn't one to entertain herself. She adored having an audience to watch her silly antics. She was my sole reason for living. I adored her, Frank adored her. We made a lot of mistakes in life but she wasn't one of them. Some might said that she was an 'accident' because we weren't married at the time, but I assure you she was always planned in my heart.

She was becoming very independent also. My life was so revolved around her that I had lost myself. I can remember one day she went in the bathroom and ran her own bath water. It was at that time I knew she no longer needed me. I was so sad. She was growing up and she was only 4 years old. I had always thought that I could only love one child. I didn't want to take any of my love for her and share it with another child. Now watching my baby turn into a little girl I suddenly wanted to do it all over again.

Frank and I didn't have sex very often so I had to approach him with my new desire to have another baby. He had lost all attraction to me and my new 200lb body. He agreed to try to have another baby. It didn't take long at all and I was once again pregnant. I was thrilled but scared too because I was so overweight.

The doctor that had seen me with my first pregnancy was no longer delivering babies. I had to go to a group of 4 doctors and I found that to be unnerving. I was never at ease because I saw a different doctor every time. It was very common to wait for hours to see the doctor. Most women actually packed their lunch in anticipation of the long wait. I felt that whole office was rude to me. I felt very inferior because of my weight. I remember sitting in the exam room once and the nurse had left my chart on the table. I peeked inside and across the entire front page was the word OBESE written in bright red letters. I was mortified. I never asked questions I just wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible.

During my pregnancy this time, I didn't have the usual morning sickness and the things that go hand in hand with expecting. Instead I was in a car wreck, got poison oak twice, and stung by 3 bees that summer. It was really strange. I had pulled weeds on the side of our house because we were going to paint it. The weeds turned out to be poison oak! I wasn't able to take anything for it because I was pregnant. It was miserable. I was also out there with Frank painting the house. Something that is a big no no now for pregnant moms. I had terrible allergies and used nose spray everyday just to breath. I did a lot of things that they have found to be very bad now!

My baby was due on December 17th, and my sister Linda, who was also pregnant, was due the first part of December. We we sharing our pregnancies together it was great fun. Linda delivered her daughter on December 1, 1972. Linda & Bob were living in Kansas City when Michelle was born. I was so disappointed when she had her baby first, I wanted to be first! My baby would follow 2 weeks later on December 15, 1976.

Frank and I still could not decide a name for a son. We actually stopped at a book store on the way to hospital to buy a book of baby names! I knew if I had a girl I would name here Stephanie. I had always wanted to name her Stacie until I was at the bowling alley one day and I heard a mother call to her little girl. "Steffie, come here". I changed my mind right then and there, it would also honor our friend Steve. Ann would be the middle name the same as mine.

I just never had a desire for a son. I think maybe that comes from being around only girls all my life. I didn't know how to play with little boys. I wasn't good at sports or things that interest little boys. Even when I was on the delivery table before the baby was actually born, they said it was a boy for sure by the heart rate. I think I must have willed her to be a girl!

With Stephanie I had really bad back labor pains. The pain with Jennifer had been all in the front. As painful as that was, it was nothing compared to the pain I had in my back. I begged Frank to rub my back while I was in the labor room. He said he would, as soon as he finished the sports section of the newspaper. That time never came, but at least this time we didn't have a telephone in the room! I had a wonderful nurse that had six children of her own. She taught me 'Lamaze for Dummies' in a matter of minutes.

My doctor was in the delivery room but I had never meant him before. He didn't even speak to me. I think I repulsed him. He check me once and they thought maybe he had broke my water by doing so. But in a disgusted tone I heard some say, "it's just urine!" I was embarrassed feeling like I had wet myself. The doctor at one point even reached over and slapped one of the delivery nurse's on the butt, leaving a bloody hand print. They all laughed, I was horrified. I just wanted to get the baby out so they would go away. I breathed with the pain, I huffed and puffed and finally delivered my baby girl. I was only in labor for
2 1/2 hrs! I still at that time, did not know the sex of the baby. I just knew it was a huge baby! I didn't even ask the sex after delivery. All I said was, "How much does that baby weigh"? They cleaned her up and weighed her, she weighed a whopping 9lb 5oz!

Once again I was in a great deal of pain from the delivery. When I was her precious little face it was worth all of the pain. She looked nothing like Jennifer did at birth. I was shocked. I just knew they would look exactly the same. Stephanie had a fair complexion and light blond hair. Now when Frank & I stood looking in the nursery window with the other parents we heard..."Look how big that baby is!" I was embarrassed that I had had such a large baby. I had only gained 14lbs with her unlike the 42lbs I had gained with Jennifer. Most people just thought I was fat and didn't even know I was pregnant. When the other parents realized I was the mother they gave each other a 'knowing' nod. It just killed me.

While I was in the hospital I lost 17lbs in the first 2 days. It was wonderful. I felt like I was on the road to losing my weight. I had lots of stitches so we used heat lamps between our legs when in bed. We also had sitz baths to help heal the stitches. A sitz bath resembled a metal lawn chair without the seat. In place of the seat was a tub that was filled with warm water. You would sit in the chair and your bottom would sink into the water. It was very soothing. The nurse came to get me and my roommate to take our sitz bath. The room had 5 sitz bath chairs in it, 3 mothers were already seated in there. My roommate was a woman of average size, not overweight like me. The nurse had filled one of the chairs full of water for my roommate and mine was only half full because of my weight. When the nurse told us where to sit my roommate was not listening. She sat in my chair. What was I to do? I didn't want to make a scene so I sat in her chair. When I did that the water overflowed and ran all over the floor. It soaked through all of our slippers and onto our robes. All five of us sat in the room acting like it wasn't happening. It was humiliating. All of a sudden the 'Enema Nurse' came around the corner and saw the mess on the floor. She yelled at me that I had sat in the wrong chair. She ushered all of the other women out while silently waited in my overflowing chair. I felt like dying.

I went to my room and got dressed. I called Frank and told him to come pick us up. I had had enough of the hospital and I wanted go home. I called the nurse and told her I was going home to get the papers ready and bring me my baby. I think that was the first time I had been that assertive in a long, long time. As I was dressing Stephanie I noticed that she too had a birthmark on her upper back just like Jennifer. It was different because it was not brown in color and was sort of indented. It was until over 30 years later that I learned she was born with spina bifida not a birthmark! I am so glad that I was not tested or told she would have spina bifida before she was born. I probably would have considered an abortion. What a lost that would have been for all of us!

Frank did not take me straight home after leaving the hospital. We went to his brother's house to pick up big sister Jennifer. Jennifer was head over heels for her new baby sister. She adopted her that very day. Jennifer thought I had brought her a live doll to play with. I can't even tell you how helpful she was with Stephanie. She was forever running to get diapers, toys, bottles, anything she thought her sister needed. She used to push her around the house in her Tuff Stuff doll stroller!

When I walked in our front door of our home for the first time with Stephanie, I was overwhelmed with fear. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with her. I didn't know when to feed her or what to feed her. I couldn't remember anything. I took her into my bedroom and shot the door. I didn't want anyone to come in to the room. I stayed in there for hours. I think I must have had post-partum depression but I didn't know what was wrong with me. I think the depression lasted for a long time but I wasn't aware of it. I thought Stephanie wasn't as pretty as Jennifer was as a newborn. I thought people would laugh at her because she was so big. I didn't want anyone around us. I wanted to protect her from the world.

It was a very difficult time for me. Frank still did not help with diapers but he helped with the feedings. My sister wasn't around to help me with this baby. Jennifer stepped up to become her mother when I couldn't. She continued to mother her all of her life. She was my little angel.

Still waters run deep....

Jennifer & Daddy

The thing about Frank is that on outside he appeared to be the quiet guy. When I told people he frighten me, they would say Little Frankie?? Are you kidding me, he wouldn't hurt a fly. He was not physically abusive to me but he controlled me in other ways. The silent treatment would bring to my knees. I had no friends to talk with, so when he came home from work I was hungry for adult conversation. I had spent the day with Jennifer and all of the characters on Sesame Street. Frank would say he didn't want to talk, he had talked all day at work. I felt so alone.

Not all things were bad between Frank and I though. We were creating our own little family. We were often like two children together. Neither of us had had a very happy childhood so now we were able to experience some of those things. We often played games at night time drawing things on each others back with our fingers. The other one would try to guess what the object was. We would laugh and just have fun. We were not really sexual people so that didn't play a very big part in our life's. Sex between us was always one sided and it was more of a duty then the pleasure sex was meant to be. I being the good wife just kind of went along with that part of life.

I was continuing to gain weight from my secret eating habits. I had gotten into the habit of finishing Jennifer's food too. My clothes were tight and made of polyester so they could expand with me. I had two outfits that fit so I wore them over and over. I had one outfit that I would wear to the laundromat so I could wash the other two. I always had to take Jennifer to the laundromat with me because Frank wouldn't watch her when I wasn't there. She would tool around in her walker and make friends with everyone there. I think the best day of my life was when we went to Sears and bought a washer and dryer. We had to open a charge account and the payment was $20.00 per month. It was the same amount I had been spending at the laundromat. It was great to have my very own set. It was a Mother's Day present from Frank.

Frank and I were on our own in this big world. Sometimes we felt like it was 'us' against the world. We were very naive about a lot of things. My best example was when we bought our first home. At that time the interest rate was around 8%, so with taxes and insurance you could expect your house payment to be right at 10%. We bought our first house for $18,000, which is less than the car I own today! Our house payment was $173.00 per month and we were afraid we wouldn't be able to make it! I have to tell you we were the best buyers an agent could ever hope to meet. We did not want to bother people by going into their home to look at it. We actually bought the first and only home we ever saw! I didn't even realize that when the house had a sign in front of it that it was for sale. I thought it was where their business office was and there just lots of them around town! I cringe at the thought of that now!

I have to take a minute and describe our house. It was a Cape Cod, 2 bedroom, 1 bath, with a dormer upstairs that also had 2 more bedrooms. It had a fenced in back yard with a 2 car garage. The house was light turquoise trimmed in a dark blue turquoise. The living room was dark avocado, walls and carpeting, the kitchen chartreuse green walls, dark green trim and a brown tiled floor. The master bedroom had three white walls and one deep rose colored wall. The bathroom had lavender tiled walls with pink shag carpet but at least it had white fixtures. Jennifer's room was bright lavender and the playroom upstairs was bright blue. To complete this decorating experience the basement floor was painted pink! This was our new home and we were happy to have it.

I took to decorating right away. I found white satin curtains with flocked avocado green flowers for the living room. We had harvest gold appliances in the chartreuse kitchen to bring it right into the 70's. Jennifer's room had a white canopy bed with a pink and white polka dotted bedspread. The playroom now had the red braided rug from our old house. Our room was brought together by a flowered bedspread with roses. The other downstairs bedroom was going to be a baby's room if we had another child. It was the only 'normal' room in the whole house!

We didn't have central air conditioning back then, that was just for the rich people. We had a window unit in the living room that cooled most of the house. Jennifer slept downstairs in the 'baby's' room when we first moved there because it was too hot upstairs. My sister-in-law and I would take our kid's to Kmart and spend the day. They had air conditioning so we would stay there for hours. We would eat lunch at the cafeteria and attend all of the blue light specials. Sally would get in close to the blue light special when it started. I would stand back out of the way with the kids. When it started she would throw the items over to me while the others would dive bomb for them. It was a lot of fun. We used to refold the clothes on the end tables while we stood and talked. The kids would lay on blankets in the carts and take naps while we walked around.

Another one of my comfort zones was spending money. I wasn't able to control my life so I racked up all of our credit cards. I handled all of the bill paying so Frank never knew what was going on. I always knew when the credit card bills were coming so I would hide them before he could see them. I think he thought I was saving money all along but there was never anything left at the end of the week. I used to get sick to my stomach knowing that the bill was coming. I was afraid Frank might intercept it one day. He never knew what I was doing. I was still on my eating frenzy too.

I didn't know at the time that Frank was so controlling because of his fear of losing me. I didn't think he wanted to be with me anyway. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me. He told me no one would want me and I believed him. He had very low self esteem also. He felt had to control me to keep me.

The Vietnam War was in full swing in those years. They had reactivated the draft. You had to register when you were 18 if you were a male. They had a lottery to decide who was going to be drafted. They had 365 balls with dates on them. It was held just like the Powerball lottery. They pulled a ball with a date on it and the people born on that date were called first. Frank's birth date was number 68 out 365, so it was very likely that he would have to go to war. I didn't want him to go to war so I talked him into joining the National Guard. If you were in the Guard you usually were not deployed to Nam.

Frank joined and a lot of people thought you were chicken if you did that. It was one step above going to Canada to evade the draft. Frank had to go to boot camp and training for 4 months, which was a short time away from home compared to 2-3 yrs service in the army. If he had joined a different branch he would have been in the infantry and on the front line of battle. He didn't have a High School diploma so he had no training to fall back on. He was able to get his GED while in training. As part of the Guard you were required to spend 1 weekend a month on duty and 2 weeks of summer camp for training. It seemed like the best fit for us.

Frank left for 4 months of basis and AIT. I wrote him almost everyday. I missed him but I also liked the freedom of not having him there too. Jennifer and I reconnected with my family and friends. It helped to pass the time. Mueller's held his job for him until he got back. We had to learn to live on a serviceman's paycheck. I ate a lot of TV dinner's back than. He always sent money home and kept very little for himself.

Frank went out on a double date with another private and some girls while he was away. They all went to see the movie Jerimah Johnson. I have always hated that movie since then. I couldn't believe he thought it was alright to go on a date. I think there was some hanky panky but I don't think they had sex. I was so hurt but I never yelled or got mad. I never forgot it either. Not only had he went on a date but he went in a movie theater and I doubt they sat in the back row!

When Frank came home he was different, distance. I think he must have had time to wonder if he had made a mistake marrying me. After time, we settled back into our routine of life. I looked forward to the weekends he was on active duty. I remember one time he was allowed to bring home on of the Jeeps. Jennifer was thrilled. All the neighbor kids came over to meet her daddy and see his Jeep. The 2 weeks at summer camp probably helped save our marriage for many years. I knew that if I could have just 2 weeks without him I could endure the 50 weeks in between.

Our little family

When Jennifer was first born we still lived in the one bedroom apartment that Linda and I had shared before we were married. I put Jennifer in a little bassinet next my side of the bed. My mother-in-law would call me every night to see how I had her laying in her bed. If she was on her stomach, she would smother to death but if I had her on her back she could choke to death if she vomited. I couldn't win. My sister, Linda was a great help. She was always over at our apartment helping me take care of the new baby and cleaning my house.

I would dress Jennifer at least six times a day. I tried on every outfit she had and then I would take her picture in it. She was like my very own living doll. She slept through the night by the time she was 2 weeks old. Back when she was little we fed our babies rice cereal at night so they would sleep. I fed her with an Infant Feeder which was frowned upon. Everyone told me she would never be able to eat from a spoon! She survived many things that are now considered toxic to babies.

Frank had been working as an oil change man for about six months. One day he had to change oil for the owner of Mueller Company in Decatur. He had to drive him back to his home while his car was being serviced. The owner talked to Frank and asked about his family. In the long run, he offered Frank a job working at the foundry. We felt like we had hit the lotto. His paycheck would end up being twice what we were used to making. It was a really dirty and hot job, but Frank never missed a day.

We found a two bedroom house to rent not far from his work. We took out a loan from the bank for $150.00 to buy a used color TV. We even had to have a cosigner! We bought a black vinyl couch that 'clicked' into a bed. We also found a black vinyl rocker that was torn in the back, but it was a great price. I made a black and red afghan to cover the torn spot. I bought bright red satin curtains with white sheers behind them to put in the windows. We even had a red and black braided oval rug to cover the wooden floors. We would have loved to have wall to wall carpeting but it was too expensive. I can remember thinking about how lucky we were to have such a great house.

We didn't do much for entertainment because Frank was really funny about being in public. He refused to eat inside of a restaurant because he didn't want people to watch him eat. So we would call our order in to the local Bonanza and eat it in Styrofoam containers in the parking lot in our car. He didn't go to indoor movies because he didn't want anyone to look at the back of his neck. He did finally after a few years, start going to movies but we always had to sit in the back row! Our entertainment consisted of riding up and down Eldorado Street cruising in our '68 Chevy Impala with Jennifer laying between us on the seat.

One thing that we did almost every weekend was to go to his brother's home and play cards. They had a little girl too. We would play Rummy for hours but it was never husband & wife against husband & wife, it was always women vs men. My sister-in-law and I would always win. We would laugh and tease the guys afterward. Frank hated that. One time when we got home, he yelled at me and picked up one of his racing trophy's and threw against the wall. It broke. I was scared to death. He left in a rage and drove around for hours. I laid in the bed and cried. I was afraid he was going to leave me. I didn't want to be alone. When he did finally come home he refused to talk to me. Not just that night but for days. I would beg him to talk to me, but he refused. I did everything I thought a good wife should do but nothing worked. Usually around Thursday he would start talking to me again, I was thrilled. I never argued with him, never yelled at him and certainly never talked back to him in the six years that we were married. I didn't want to be divorced, I wanted to be married. When Saturday came around we would once again go back to his brother's house to play Rummy. The girls would win and the same pattern would happen when we got home. He wouldn't talk to me from Sunday until Thursday almost every week. I would beg to not go to their house but it didn't matter we went anyway. It was a really hard time in my life.

When Jennifer was born, I weighed over 200lbs. The only weight I lost was the 7lbs 8ozs that she weighed. When Frank was at work I continued to eat secretly. I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I looked like a freak. I no longer resembled the girl in high school, the girl he fell in love with. I wasn't fun anymore, I lost myself. I lived and breathed for Jennifer, she was my ray of sunshine. She was growing so fast. She was a very independent little girl and loved to talk. She was the sweetest little thing on earth. She and Frank were best buddies. She loved when he came through the door after work. He loved playing with her. If he went somewhere she would be right behind him.

The only friends I had were his family and the wife's of people at Mueller's. Every night I had to take Frank his dinner at 7:30 to the parking lot at work. He didn't like to eat out and he didn't like sandwiches. I had to make him a hot meal every night. I would load the food and Jennifer into the car and off we'd go. I remember the TV show, The Walton's, came on during that time. I asked Frank if I could skip that one day a week so I could watch the program. He absolutely would not hear of it! I continued to meet him every night, until my second child was born.

Frank did not like socializing with anyone, but especially not with my family. One time he did agree to go to a cookout at my sister's house. I made potato salad and was bringing fresh tomatoes for everyone. Frank did not believe in helping me do anything. That included carrying groceries, laundry, baby items or baby...I did it all. He would sit in his chair and watch sports until I got the car loaded, then he would come out to drive the car. On this particular day, we were on our way to the cook out. I had loaded everything in the car and we driving down the street. I noticed that people outside were staring at us and pointing. I thought what on earth is wrong with them? I even mentioned to Frank that people were looking at us. He hated anyone to look at him. Pretty soon it was like they started throwing tomatoes at our car, I couldn't believe it! It wasn't until the bowl of potato salad fell on the hood of the car did I know what had happened. I had left the food on top of the car! Frank was furious. He turned the car around and went right back home. I was stunned. I cried as I once again unloaded the car and took Jennifer back inside. There would be no cookout for us. I never said a word, a good wife would just try to apologize to her husband. Once again he would not talk to me. I was so lonely, so very lonely.

The Baby

Me and Jenny Rebecca

I was looking forward to having my very own baby and my time was growing near. Back in the 70's we didn't have sonograms done very often, if at all. We were not sure of the sex of the baby until it had arrived. Of course, we did silly little tests like hanging a pen from a string over your belly. If it swayed one way it was a girl and the other it was a boy. I had done all of those things but it was exciting to not know until delivery.



Frank and I couldn't decide on a boy's name. I loved the name Michael but the baby would be Mike Fyke and he hated that name. I also liked the name Rusty or Andrew but Frank didn't like either one of those. We absolutely did not have a name picked for a boy. If it was a girl I always knew I would name her, Jenny Rebbeca. There was a Gerber baby food commercial that aired at that time and the baby's name was Jenny Rebecca. They also had the boy's name as Christopher Michael. I fell in love with the girl's name.



My due date was, Feb. 3rd, and that was the day she was born. I was laying in bed early that morning and I thought I had wet the bed. I sat upright, horrified. I called my sister Janet, who was a nurse and told her what had happened. She said, "My little sister is going to have a baby today"! All of a sudden it was real! I was going to have a baby. I had started attending birthing classes 3 weeks earlier. The class that night was going to be the one where we actually saw the labor and delivery rooms. I really was looking forward to that one. The funny thing is that when the class came to visit the delivery room, I was the mother waiting in the hall to delivery my baby! I had never even talked to another woman about what happens in delivery. I had only seen movies of women screaming in agony. I was scared.



I called my doctor's office and told them that my water had broken. I wasn't having any labor pains yet. They told me to come into the hospital. I decided I had better get something to eat because it might be along time before I would get to eat again. All we had to eat was a can of pork and beans, so I ate it, boy did I regret that. I also took a shower and shaved my legs. Not long after that, Kathryn, called and a told me I needed to go to the hospital right away. She told me the cord could get wrapped around the baby's neck and die! Yikes, what a thing to tell a scared young girl.



I checked into the hospital around noon. I was assigned to a labor room, that had a telephone, most of them don't. I got into bed and Frank got on the phone. He called everyone he knew and told them I was in labor. The pains started to get pretty intense and I started to scream and cry. Frank of course was on the phone the entire time. He was not next to me holding my hand or rubbing my back. Of course, I didn't want to bother him because a 'good wife' took care of themselves. We didn't have much for pain back then at all. I didn't know about Lamaze breathing or anything else. I spent the entire time holding on to the rails of the bed screaming. I know the people on the phone could hear me in the background. I hated that damned phone.



The doctors came in and checked me to see how dilated I was in the evening. He said it would be after midnight before I delivered. Frank asked me if it was okay if he went bowling since it was his league night. "Are you kidding me"?? is what my brain was shouting but my mouth said, "No, go ahead and go bowling". They checked me one more time before he was going to leave. They told me not to push but I did anyway. I didn't want him to go bowling but I didn't have the courage to tell him...so I pushed. When I pushed she came down the birth canal too fast and fractured my tailbone. They rushed me to the delivery room right away. They gave me gas to knock me out. I delivered my baby at 7:48 pm right when Frank's bowling was supposed to start! I had also torn my insides pretty badly and had to have lots and lots of stitches. It was very painful



Jennifer Rebecca, weighed 7lbs 8ozs and was the most beautiful baby I could ever imagine. She had lots of hair and was perfect in every way. I was so in love with her I just couldn't believe it. I didn't know that with each child God gives you a gift of love just for that one little being. Frank was crazy about her too. Back then they didn't let the fathers in the delivery room so he had to sit in a waiting room. He got to see her first because I was in so much pain. He wasn't allowed to hold her in the hospital back then. We were so very, very happy. She completed our little family. We were going to be good parents and we were going to have a happy life.



I was in the hospital with her for 7 days. I had done so much damage to my body that I couldn't walk or sit. My tailbone had to heal itself and it hurt for many years afterward. I couldn't walk to the nursery window to see her because I couldn't stand up very long. Frank spent all of his time in front of that nursery room window. I was able to hold her during feeding time. It wasn't 'cool' back than to breast feed so she was given formula (Similac) right away. I was given a pill to dry up my breast milk while I was still in the hospital.



We weren't allowed to unwrap our babies back then either. I would try to peek under the blankets when the nurses weren't looking. She had fur on her little ears and down the back of her neck. She looked like a little Indian papoose with her hair and her dark complexion. She looked just like Frank and nothing like me. I pulled her blanket back from her neck and and I noticed she had a black mole on her upper back. I called it a beauty mark but unfortunately it wasn't one. It had to be removed when she got older.



On my last day at the hospital I finally was able to go down to the nursery in a wheelchair. I had to balance myself on my arms because my bottom was so swollen. I know Jennifer was the prettiest baby in the nursery because I heard other people talking about her. They would say, look at that pretty baby over there and point right at her. I was so proud.



Frank picked us up at the front door of St Mary's Hospital to take us home. It was really cold and icy. I held Jennifer tight in my arms in the front seat...no baby carriers or car seats back then. We drove about half of a block from the hospital when Frank pulled over. I asked him what was wrong and he reached over to take Jennifer. That was the first time he ever held her. He looked into her little eyes and told her he loved her.



Frank was really smitten with Jennifer. He wanted to hold her all the time. He liked to feed her when it was time for her bottle. He never changed one single diaper the whole time we were married. He too finally had someone to love him, no matter what happened in life. She belonged to us. We were happy.

Getting to know you...

Frank & me having fun

Life as a bride and wife was certainly different than what I had thought it would be. Frank came back around the next day and acted like nothing had happened. I wanted to talk about it and find out what I had done wrong so I wouldn't repeat my actions, but Frank was not a talker.

I would make dinner for him after I got home from work. He was now working as an oil change serviceman at the local Pontiac dealership. My cousin worked there so he gave him the job to help us out. I was still working at the bank trying to act as if my life was a happy one. I continued to grow larger and larger with my baby. I could no longer wear my precious wedding band because my hands were too swollen. If fact, I never wore it again and in the later years I sold it to buy a winter coat!

As I have said before Frank, was a very picky eater. I wasn't a good cook but I knew how to cook. Our apartment was small but the kitchen had two doors, one on each end of the room. I was standing at the stove stirring gravy in the skillet. I put salt and pepper in the mix and after stirring once again I tasted it. I put the spoon back in the gravy after I tasted it. Frank had been standing at the other door and I didn't see him. I heard him holler my name and I looked up, like I had been caught breaking in to the bank vault. He did not want to eat anything that had touched my lips! He knew I had the spoon in my mouth so I had to throw the whole thing away. He left in a huff as usual. It was his habit to leave me alone and drive for hours around town. Sometimes stopping to visit his friends. He wanted me to severe all ties with my family and friends, so I did. I had friends that lived in the same apartment building with us but he didn't want me to see them either. Sometimes when he went to work I would sneak upstairs to visit my girlfriends anyway. He didn't want me to talk to anyone on the phone either. If I was home he would call on his break to make sure the phone line wasn't busy.

The first 6 months of our marriage, I spent alone at night. He would go to his mothers apartment after work to shower and change his clothes. He would then come over for dinner and to watch TV with me. Around 10:00 pm he would go for a ride and then back to his mother's apartment to sleep. He would be back in the mornings for breakfast and to pick up the lunch that I had fixed. I did all of his laundry accept for his underwear, his mother still did those. It was really strange and I knew it. I felt it must be my fault that he didn't want to stay with me. I was embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on in my life. I knew it was wrong but I thought that that was all I deserved in life.

My baby continued to grown in my belly and I was thrilled. Frank loved to feel her moving around. It was exciting and scary all at the same time. He never went to any of my doctor's appointments with me. I gained 42 lbs with this baby. When we married I weighed around 165 lbs now I was over 200 lbs! The dresses I had worn in the beginning of my pregnancy were now worn as blouses. I never took any prenatal classes and I knew nothing about giving birth. No one had ever told me anything at all. Lamaze classes were really popular at that time but I didn't get to take any of them.

I was always responsible for all of the chores in the house. Frank sat in his chair while I waited on him hand and foot. To be fair, I will say that I started that pattern of life. I thought that is what a 'good' wife was supposed to do. There was no 50/50 plan in our house. I brought Frank his food on a TV tray. I even cut his meat for him, making sure not an ounce of fat was on it. I made sure the food wasn't touching and I definitely did not 'taste' the food before serving it. I had without knowing become a shell of the girl I had once been. I was no longer fun and outgoing. I was quiet and withdrawn. I comforted myself with my best friend, food.

I was doing the weekly shopping at Kmart, it was New Years Day 1972. I had gone to the store all by myself as usual. I was 8 months pregnant and shopping was hard. I had to pick up cases of pop to buy for Frank. I will tell you now, I put myself in this position, I asked nothing of him and he gave me nothing in return. We had been married for six months at this time. Frank walked up behind me in the grocery aisle. I was shocked! I didn't ever expect to see in there. He took my hand and told me from that day on things were going to be different. He was going to start living with me and being my husband. I was in disbelief but I was thrilled.

I came home that night and he was there. When it came to the bewitching hour of 10 pm he didn't leave. Instead he headed for the shower and came out a few minutes later. He was wrapped in a towel. He dropped the towel and stood before me naked. I just looked at him. He said, "this is the way I look", I still just sat there. I said okay. It was the first time I had ever seen him completely naked. I don't know what he thought I was going to do but I just sat there. He later told me if I had laughed he would have left me. It turns out he too was embarrassed by his body. I didn't know that men thought like that too! I think I fell in love with him that night. He too, like me, was vulnerable.

Our life really did change after that. We were a family. We were living like normal married people and I was truly happy.

Friday the 13th 'The Wedding'

In the 70's we were all about free love, burning bras, flags and incense. We wore tye dye shirts and macrame' belts. We wore flowers in our hair and even put flowers on our cars. I was what was known as a 'hippie wannabe'. I dressed the part but I didn't really walk the walk. I had tried smoking marijuana a couple of times. I am not a smoker so I coughed up more than I ever inhaled. I never took to drugs which is surprising knowing the addictive behavior I have as a whole. I didn't like being out of control. I felt like my whole life had been that way and I didn't like knowing that a substance had the power to take over my thoughts and actions. I never got into drugs, thankfully. I did try to take speed aka 'white cross' to help me lose weight. I think it made me eat faster! I only tried that once. Even though, Frank never indulged in any of these things he was attracted to me because I was daring and outgoing. I think I did the things he didn't have the courage to do.

I had to plan for a wedding in less than 2 weeks. Frank told me that he would marry me in front of the justice of the peace and not in a chapel or church setting. That was okay with me. I had quit going to church many years before. I just wanted to be his wife. I was going to invite my family and friends to the wedding. I told Frank so he could invite his family and friends too. His face froze when I told him of my plans. He told me in no uncertain terms that no one could come to the wedding. He didn't want anyone to even know when or where it was going to be. I was shocked. I thought he was kidding. No, I could tell by the look on his face that he was dead serious. I did not see the huge red flag that was waving in my face.

I had told my sisters that I was getting married. Now I had to tell them that they couldn't come. I was heartbroken but I continued to make plans. I called my dad and left a message with Kathryn that I was getting married and that I was pregnant and then I hung up. I didn't give her a chance to respond. I wanted to hurt my dad. I knew he would be disappointed in me. I wanted to disappoint him like he always had done to me.

I borrowed a white cotton dress from one of my girlfriends. It was a maternity dress, it had a red, white and blue striped belt that went just above my stomach. I had to work the day of my wedding so we decided to get married on my lunch hour. I wore a uniform at the bank where I worked so I had to bring my dress to work with me. I hung my dress in the backseat of my car the night before so I could change before we went to the courthouse. I had bought myself a gold wedding band with little intertwined rings etched all the way around it. I was ready for my big day. One of the ladies at work had went into the ladies room where my dress was hanging. It had axle grease all down the front of it from the back of my car. I hadn't even noticed it. She had left work and taken it to the 1 hour cleaners for me. She also bought me a red rose in a handheld glass carrier so I would have flowers. It was so nice of her. I still did not see the red flag.

Frank came to pick me up to take me to courthouse. My boss had given me an extended lunch so we could grab some lunch too. When I got in the car there was a white corsage box sitting in the seat next to him. Wow! I opened it and inside was a pink carnation corsage with a little rhinestone heart. I loved it and I told him I did. He grumbled that my sister, Linda, had given to him to give me. He didn't want me to take or wear any flowers inside the courthouse. He didn't want me to call any attention to us when we went see the judge. My heart ached but I knew he wouldn't marry me if I didn't do as he said. I didn't see the red flag.

He had a couple of his friends, Marty & Jeff, stand up with us as our witness's. I had wanted my sisters to be with me on my wedding day. Later I learned that my sister, Linda and my step-mother, Kathryn were in the back of the courtroom that day and saw the entire wedding. I never even knew they were there. I felt so alone that afternoon. I had never met Frank's friends until that day. The judge asked me three times if I really wanted to get married that day because it was Friday the 13th. I said yes three times...I think a cock crowed in the background. In a matter of minutes we were husband and wife, I felt complete. I was someones wife therefore; I must be lovable.

We had a 'Full Meal Deal' at Burger King for lunch to celebrate. Frank did not eat inside restaurants so we went through the drive through and took back to my apartment. I was the only one working at the time so I had to go back to work until 6:00 pm that night. Not quite like the wedding I had dreamed about as a little girl.

Frank picked me up after work and took me to his friend's house for dinner. Frank was a very picky eater so he dictated the menu. I don't remember everything but I know we had a frozen turkey roll as the main course. Marty had bake a two layer cake with white icing. She had put a bride and groom on the top. I loved it! They even had presents for us. It almost seemed like a real wedding day. Their little girl was sitting at the table while we were eating. The cake was just too much for her so reached over during the meal and took a big hunk out of the side of the cake. The bride and groom fell to the floor. I didn't see the red flag.

After dinner we left and went a gas station where Frank's brother was working on a car for the demolition derby. We pulled up out front, I was looking forward to meeting his family. I started to open my car door when he told me to just wait in the car. I sat in the car holding the little bride and groom from atop the cake in my hands. I sat there for a really long time. I didn't dare get out of the car because he had told me to wait. After what seemed to be hours his sister-in-law looked out the door and saw me sitting there by myself. She came out to the car and asked me who I was. I held up the bride and groom and said I am Frank's wife, we got married today. She about flipped out. She went inside to tell everyone. The next thing I knew Frank came flying out and jumped in the car. He started it up and gunned the engine. The gravel flew and we peeled out of the gas station. I was shocked. I asked him what I had done, what had happened. He refused to look at me or to answer me. For the first time I was scared...what had I done? Frank pulled up to my apartment and told me to get out. I got out and stood on the sidewalk with my bride and groom. I had tears streaming down my face it was my wedding day and I was alone. I didn't see the red flags.....