Losing myself

I don't remember how things changed on a day to day basis but I changed after Frank married Gloria. I felt vindictive to everyone especially men. I felt no shame. I felt that it was time for me to do all the things I had never done. I wanted to go drinking and dancing and screwing anyone and everyone. I started to take better care of myself, to lose weight to throw out my homemade polyester pantsuits. It took time but I had time, lots of time.

I have many, many regrets that would encompass the next 20 years. I wasn't the kind of mother I was proud of anymore. I felt like the girls were too much sometimes. I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I shipped the kids off to the babysitter overnight for $10.00 whenever I had the extra money. I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be. I didn't go to PTA meetings at school. I didn't take off work to attend school functions, I treated my daughters the way my dad and treated me. I turned out okay surely they would too.

I started to hang out with friends and go to the bars. I started drinking heavily so that I could get drunk. If I was drunk I could use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do without guilt. I started sleeping with strangers that I met in my drunken stupor. I thought that if someone was willing to have sex with me then I must be pretty, I must be desireable. It wasn't until the next day that reality would hit me square in the face....I wasn't pretty, I was a slut. It didn't stop me though, I continued with a vengance. I wanted to keep a scorecard to prove to myself that I was wanted. I wanted Frank to know, but he never did. He had moved on, he was happy, I was wallowing in self pity.

I wish I didn't remember the bad things, the scarey things that I did. Some things, most things are still playing in the recesses of my mind. I am ashamed of those things but I wasn't then. I was trying to be someone different. It was like the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I was one person during the day and another on the weekends. I lived a double life. It didn't matter to me who I hurt along the way. I didn't care if the guy was married or not. I didn't want to take him away from his family I just wanted him for the night, or so I told myself. I wasn't married why should I feel bad? The guy would have cheated anyway, why not with me?

My conquests were many and each had a story. Some were funny, once in awhile some were even a bit scary. I put myself in dangerous situations and sometimes my own children could have been in harms way but I was putting my needs and desires first. So much regret, so many mistakes. So many times I wished I could go back and change the past.