The Affair

I don't think I even realized I was having an affair at first. I thought it was playful, sexual flirtation. Innocent in a sense. Crazy thinking but I know longer let my good sense guide me. I walked carefree through this part of my life not feeling the need to answer to anyone or anything. I was angry at the world. I was struggling to pay my bills to raise my children alone. I felt like it was me against the world. My sisters were distant, one lived in Kansas City and the other lived in Mt Zion but had little contact with me. I had no weekends off...no grandparents for my children...no one.

Mike was my escape. He made me feel wanted and pretty. He had so much to lose by seeing me but he did it anyway. I didn't think I had any feelings for him emotionally only physically. Now when I look back on that time I think I needed him too. He wasn't an ideal mate or father figure for my children so I didn't give it much thought past the physical aspect of things. I don't think I could deal with my true feelings.

I continued to be friends with Janet during the day. I would ask her what she and Mike had done the night before knowing all along he had been with me. She would tell me he had been out listening to his brother's band playing at different bars around town. I knew he wasn't there the whole time because after the kids went to sleep he would come over to my house. It was wrong, so very, very wrong, so shameful. I would ask Janet why she would put up with that crap. She never had an answer. (I think to her it was probably a relief because she had time for her affair too.)

I have heard many couples break up after the loss of a child and I think that was the driving force behind their breakup. I don't think Mike would have cheated with anyone had there been any hope of a good relationship with her. He was a decent, hard working man but he didn't want to be in a loveless marriage. I think he starting caring deeply for me. He didn't intend for that to happen either. Loving words were never exchanged between us but it was there, unspoken, but there despite the silence.

I became conflicted inside, after time. How could I do this to my friend? How could anyone? I started going to church again. The Catholic church, because it was the only religion I knew. I would get the girls up early in the morning and we would go to church before school each day. It was a very small group of church goers so we were allowed to go up to the altar and stand with the priest. It was an honor as most Catholic's have never stepped foot at the altar. Eventhough I was struggling inside I continued to see Mike. He was my drug...

It was now 1982, and I had been divorced for 4 years. I was still bitter, still struggling to make ends meet. It was summer and the girls and I went to Kansas City to spend vacation with my sister. We always had a great time in Kansas City. Linda always found inexpensive ways to entertain us. We would pack picnic lunches and take the kids to the mall or to the park. We would go to Worlds of Fun or the water park at least once. I loved Kansas City.

My sister and her husband sat me down while I was visiting and talked to me about moving to Kansas City. They felt that there were far more oppurtunities for work out there. I had always been afraid to leave to Decatur because it was my home, all I had ever known. Kansas City was like going to the jungle to me. There were highways everywhere, it took forever to get anywhere. I didn't think I could do it. Linda and Bob made it easy. They offered to let us stay with them until I found a job and a place to live. For the first time in my life I really considered actually doing it.

By the time I went home I had made up my mind to move. I could not stop seeing Mike. I had to quit seeing him before I hurt Janet. I loved her and I did not ever want to hurt her. I needed to make a clean break, no tapering off, done, over with, finito!!

It seemed like the best solution for all of us. Stephanie was getting ready to start kindergarten at Washington School, she would be a minority. I was really worried about that. I felt like there were so many negatives things in Decatur, so much pain. I was mustered up lots and lots of courage and I decided, YES, it was time to move, time to change. I had to go full steam ahead, no looking back only moving forward. I was so scared but it didn't matter I had to do something to change my life, to end this affair.

On Monday I went into work and gave my 2 weeks notice...there it was done. No going back now I was committed, determined, and frighten.

The Betrayal

When Janet finally came back to work, she was different. She was no longer full of joy and laughter. There was a sadness about her that everyone saw but no one talked about. After time, Janet began confiding in me that their marriage wasn't what it seemed. She didn't like having sex with Mike anymore and it was becoming a problem. I look back at this part of my life and the shame consumes me. I don't know how my mind started playing tricks on me but I started thinking strange things while I listened to her. Here she was not interested in having sex with her husband and that was the one thing that I was good at in life. In my mind it all made sense...

I found myself drawn to Mike. We had gotten to know each other better during and after the loss of the baby. It was like a sign suddenly appeared over his head stating that he was available. We started mutually flirting with each other. I think he appreciated the attention from me as much as I did him. What could it hurt? I didn't want to take him away from her...I just wanted to have sex with him. Who could possibly get hurt? She would never have to know. It seemed perfect...in my mind.

I don't remember how it started, I don't remember our first kiss, our first touch. It just seemed to happen. It was so secret, so daring, so wrong, so wonderful. At first it was just stolen kisses and private glances. We even kissed in front of Janet and she just laughed it off. I needed her to grab me by my hair and snatch me off his lap. She needed to tell to back off her husband, but she didn't. I didn't know why back then, later I found out she was having an affair with someone in her acting troupe! It still didn't make it right.

Mike started walking me out to my car from the Limelight bar. It was dark and he didn't want me walking out there alone. Or at least that is what we told everyone. We shared many stolen kisses out there in the dark. It was hard to leave each other. I don't think either of us wanted to cross the line to having sex. Janet had to have known what was going on but she never came outside to check on us. In a way I think she probably wanted out of the marriage and had stopped caring. It still didn't make it right.

The night finally came when we crossed the line. It was exciting, more exciting than anything I had ever experienced. We became addicted to each other. We took chances all the time to be together even when she was in the next room. It was a wild time in my life. I continued to see other men that always turned out to be one night stands. I didn't care, I wasn't married, I wasn't doing wrong. I continued to tell myself those lies so I could look in the mirror.

Best Friends

Janet and I worked together at Northtown Bank. We became friends right away. We took breaks together and had lunch together almost everyday for many years. We shared everything. She told me all about her life and her with her husband, Mike.

I thought Janet & Mike had a great relationship. They were one of the couples that I partied with on the weekends. We were wild and crazy. Mike and Janet both lead seperate lives but seemed meet in the middle. I liked that. She was always free to do girl things with me or to spend time with me and my girls. She even baked a birthday cake for them on their birthdays. She was wonderful, everyone liked her. I thought she was so funny. I didn't really like Mike much at all. I couldn't see what she saw in him but they seemed to be happy.

Mike was a really big guy, tall, around 6'6" to be exact. He wore really strange clothes and colored Converse high top tennis shoes. His hair was long and wild. He had a big, bushy beard and he was scary looking. My girls were afraid of him at first. He used to use a fork to comb his mustache, not appealing at all. We spent a lot of time at their house. We had cookouts on the weekends and their friends became my friends. Hardly a weekend went by that we weren't all together.

One day while at morning break with Janet and friends, she annouced that she was pregnant. I was hurt because she hadn't told me first. I remember feeling upset but I don't know why it bothered me. I was kind of angry in a way because I thought she and Mike weren't getting along. I wondered if this might bring them closer together. I couldn't imagine Mike as a father.

I went through the pregnacy with her, sharing clothes and throwing a baby shower for her. I was excited as her baby grew inside her. Toward the end of the pregancy when she was 8 1/2 monthes I noticed she looked very pale. She told me she didn't feel very good and was going to the doctor that afternoon. Later that day I got a call telling me that the baby was to be still born. I left work immediately and went to the hospital to be with her. We cried together and tried to comfort each other but there are no words of comfort for that type of situtation. Janet was induced and had to go through labor and then deliver the baby. Mike and I took turns staying with her while she prepared to deliver her dead child. It was gut wrenching.

When the baby was delivered she was named Margaret Kathleen. Margaret for Janet's grandmother and Kathleen for me. I was deeply touched. I heartbroken, my friend had lost her child. On the day of the funeral, Mike carried Margaret in a little white coffin no bigger than an ice chest. He walked bravely to her gravesite to lay her to rest. I cried harder than anyone, Janet was in shock. It took her years to recover if she ever really did.

Losing myself

I don't remember how things changed on a day to day basis but I changed after Frank married Gloria. I felt vindictive to everyone especially men. I felt no shame. I felt that it was time for me to do all the things I had never done. I wanted to go drinking and dancing and screwing anyone and everyone. I started to take better care of myself, to lose weight to throw out my homemade polyester pantsuits. It took time but I had time, lots of time.

I have many, many regrets that would encompass the next 20 years. I wasn't the kind of mother I was proud of anymore. I felt like the girls were too much sometimes. I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I shipped the kids off to the babysitter overnight for $10.00 whenever I had the extra money. I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be. I didn't go to PTA meetings at school. I didn't take off work to attend school functions, I treated my daughters the way my dad and treated me. I turned out okay surely they would too.

I started to hang out with friends and go to the bars. I started drinking heavily so that I could get drunk. If I was drunk I could use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do without guilt. I started sleeping with strangers that I met in my drunken stupor. I thought that if someone was willing to have sex with me then I must be pretty, I must be desireable. It wasn't until the next day that reality would hit me square in the face....I wasn't pretty, I was a slut. It didn't stop me though, I continued with a vengance. I wanted to keep a scorecard to prove to myself that I was wanted. I wanted Frank to know, but he never did. He had moved on, he was happy, I was wallowing in self pity.

I wish I didn't remember the bad things, the scarey things that I did. Some things, most things are still playing in the recesses of my mind. I am ashamed of those things but I wasn't then. I was trying to be someone different. It was like the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I was one person during the day and another on the weekends. I lived a double life. It didn't matter to me who I hurt along the way. I didn't care if the guy was married or not. I didn't want to take him away from his family I just wanted him for the night, or so I told myself. I wasn't married why should I feel bad? The guy would have cheated anyway, why not with me?

My conquests were many and each had a story. Some were funny, once in awhile some were even a bit scary. I put myself in dangerous situations and sometimes my own children could have been in harms way but I was putting my needs and desires first. So much regret, so many mistakes. So many times I wished I could go back and change the past.