The Affair

I don't think I even realized I was having an affair at first. I thought it was playful, sexual flirtation. Innocent in a sense. Crazy thinking but I know longer let my good sense guide me. I walked carefree through this part of my life not feeling the need to answer to anyone or anything. I was angry at the world. I was struggling to pay my bills to raise my children alone. I felt like it was me against the world. My sisters were distant, one lived in Kansas City and the other lived in Mt Zion but had little contact with me. I had no weekends off...no grandparents for my children...no one.

Mike was my escape. He made me feel wanted and pretty. He had so much to lose by seeing me but he did it anyway. I didn't think I had any feelings for him emotionally only physically. Now when I look back on that time I think I needed him too. He wasn't an ideal mate or father figure for my children so I didn't give it much thought past the physical aspect of things. I don't think I could deal with my true feelings.

I continued to be friends with Janet during the day. I would ask her what she and Mike had done the night before knowing all along he had been with me. She would tell me he had been out listening to his brother's band playing at different bars around town. I knew he wasn't there the whole time because after the kids went to sleep he would come over to my house. It was wrong, so very, very wrong, so shameful. I would ask Janet why she would put up with that crap. She never had an answer. (I think to her it was probably a relief because she had time for her affair too.)

I have heard many couples break up after the loss of a child and I think that was the driving force behind their breakup. I don't think Mike would have cheated with anyone had there been any hope of a good relationship with her. He was a decent, hard working man but he didn't want to be in a loveless marriage. I think he starting caring deeply for me. He didn't intend for that to happen either. Loving words were never exchanged between us but it was there, unspoken, but there despite the silence.

I became conflicted inside, after time. How could I do this to my friend? How could anyone? I started going to church again. The Catholic church, because it was the only religion I knew. I would get the girls up early in the morning and we would go to church before school each day. It was a very small group of church goers so we were allowed to go up to the altar and stand with the priest. It was an honor as most Catholic's have never stepped foot at the altar. Eventhough I was struggling inside I continued to see Mike. He was my drug...

It was now 1982, and I had been divorced for 4 years. I was still bitter, still struggling to make ends meet. It was summer and the girls and I went to Kansas City to spend vacation with my sister. We always had a great time in Kansas City. Linda always found inexpensive ways to entertain us. We would pack picnic lunches and take the kids to the mall or to the park. We would go to Worlds of Fun or the water park at least once. I loved Kansas City.

My sister and her husband sat me down while I was visiting and talked to me about moving to Kansas City. They felt that there were far more oppurtunities for work out there. I had always been afraid to leave to Decatur because it was my home, all I had ever known. Kansas City was like going to the jungle to me. There were highways everywhere, it took forever to get anywhere. I didn't think I could do it. Linda and Bob made it easy. They offered to let us stay with them until I found a job and a place to live. For the first time in my life I really considered actually doing it.

By the time I went home I had made up my mind to move. I could not stop seeing Mike. I had to quit seeing him before I hurt Janet. I loved her and I did not ever want to hurt her. I needed to make a clean break, no tapering off, done, over with, finito!!

It seemed like the best solution for all of us. Stephanie was getting ready to start kindergarten at Washington School, she would be a minority. I was really worried about that. I felt like there were so many negatives things in Decatur, so much pain. I was mustered up lots and lots of courage and I decided, YES, it was time to move, time to change. I had to go full steam ahead, no looking back only moving forward. I was so scared but it didn't matter I had to do something to change my life, to end this affair.

On Monday I went into work and gave my 2 weeks notice...there it was done. No going back now I was committed, determined, and frighten.