Making a decision

Sometimes I think being married into Frank's family was like being part of the Mafia. They were a family that lived by their own rules, the rules the rest of us lived by didn't apply to them. They were not close, but they were tight. They didn't speak to each other often but if one was in trouble you could be assured that the whole family would be at your doorstep. They all had secrets...lots of secrets. Almost everyone in the family knew the secrets, but we weren't to tell anyone that we knew. It was a crazy system. I hate liars, I am a very open and honest person, almost to a fault. My policy is, if you don't want to know what I am thinking then don't ask me! I was afraid what would happen if Frank and I divorced. The brothers were known to move furniture out of the house and hide it at another family members house if divorce was on the horizon. They would 'sell' to each other for a $1 and then buy it back after the divorce.

We spent a lot of time with Frank's family because he didn't like me spending time with my family. I just went along, to get along. Every, 4th of July, went to Argenta, Il, to spend the day with his sister and her family. It was a fun day for the most part. I can remember, July 1977, I was sitting by myself in a lawn chair looking at everyone. I was thinking to myself that I would never be a part of this again. This was my last year, of spending, 4th of July, with his family. I was sad and excited. I loved his family, they were always good to me. I think they felt sorry for me sometimes. They knew in the back of their minds what life was like for me. Frank was lazy and didn't know how to do anything. He always had to call his brothers to help with household fixes. I would miss his family in my own way.

In my mind, I started back that summer to make plans to leave Frank. I was still hoping that when August rolled around that the 2 weeks at summer camp would be enough to get me through. That wasn't going to happen, as it turned out. I must have started acting differently because Frank knew something was wrong. I remember standing in the living room looking out the window, feeling so alone. Frank said to me out of the blue, "I'm thinking about enlisting in the Army." I turned around and looked at him and said, "What are you talking about?" It opened the flood gate that needed to be opened. I said, "You know I am unhappy, don't you?" I don't know if he really did or not but he agreed. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I think he was deeply shocked and surprised, but he never let it show. He did what he always did when he was mad, he left on his motorcycle.

I sat on the couch for along time after he left. I was in shock, I had said it out loud. I wanted a DIVORCE! There it was out, I couldn't unring the bell once it had been rung. I was living alone anyway or at least it felt that way. I don't think I have ever been as frighten as I was that day. I was worried what Frank might do too, but I really didn't care anymore either. I felt a sense of freedom but not much had changed...I just opened my mouth and the words tumbled out.

I sat alone in my dazed world for awhile when I heard Frank's motorcycle pull into the driveway. I could feel my stomach knot up into it's familiar ball of nerves. Would he be angry...would he hit me...what would happen now? No one divorced from the family and got away scott free.

The man that walked in the door looked like a broken shell of the person I had seen only hours earlier. He sat next to me on the couch and cried. He told me that he had tried to kill himself on his motorcycle but he didn't have the nerve to do it. He wanted me and the girls to have his life insurance and he would be out of our lives for good. I couldn't believe what I was hearing....this man wanted to kill himself for me?

But my heart had harden over time and I wasn't going to stop what I had already started. I was going to be on my own and I was going to raise my children without him. I wasn't going to fall for the tears I wasn't going to listen to false promises...I was done. The tears were much too late...the words meant nothing, I had made a decision and I wasn't backing down now.