Steffie, me (in my blue night gown) and JennyAfter Stephanie was born, I think that was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was never diagnosed with post partum depression but I think I most definitely had it. I could feel that Frank and I were growing further and further apart. My babies were my life my redeeming grace. Frank left us alone a lot to ride around in his truck or to ride his motorcycle. He spent a lot of time at his friends house, the same ones that stood up with us at our wedding. They were and unusual couple and I really didn't feel part of them. They had an 'open' marriage and often hosted drinking parties at their house. There were underage girls there quite often. (The husband, Jeff, the best man was later arrested for sexually molesting his 5 y/o daughter. He died in prison.)
Frank's name was hooked to a 15 y/o girl name Gloria, (which he would marry later in life.) She was a wild child and had been around the block a time or two. She was pregnant at fifteen and it was rumored that Frank was the father. He had also been linked to her best friend Marlena. I didn't believe the rumors, after all he didn't want sex with me so why would he want it with them? I was very naive'. He was the one that came home and told me the rumors, we just laughed at them. Gloria, was the babysitter for his friends, so she was at the house most of the time he was there. There were other girls that wanted Frank too. No one could understand what he would see in a 200lb+ woman like me. I couldn't understand it either. But believe it or not we loved each other.
My eating was out of control again. I lived in a blue nightgown. I didn't wash my hair, take a bath, or brush my teeth for days on end. I could barely function. I did try to get dressed right before Frank came home from work. I would have supper ready and the house straighten but that was all done at the last minute. During the day I sat and watched soap opera's because their lives seemed so glamorous. Jennifer helped me to take care of Stephanie. I was in such a fog, I don't remember many details of that time. I am sure I wasn't a very good mother.
Stephanie's eyes were noticeably crossed but I ignored it. At one of her checkups the doctor said it out loud, so I had to acknowledge it. I had to do something about it. He told me it was a birth defect. For the rest of my life I carried guilt for having caused the birth defect...surely it was the nose spray I had used. She was late in walking and I think it was because she couldn't focus. Her line of vision was very fuzzy. I did not push her because I didn't want to her to grow up. I wanted her to be my baby forever.
I was not the only one that was not very hygienic. Frank hadn't brushed his teeth in over a year! He had poor dental care growing up, probably never seeing a dentist as a young boy. By the time he got to see a dentist they had to pull all of his upper teeth. He had to get an upper plate. Between both of us not taking care of ourselves, I think we both knew that life wasn't good. But we didn't know how to communicate it to each other. I said nothing, he said nothing.
Frank and I never had an argument because I was afraid to dispute anything he said. I was afraid he would leave me. I regret doing that now because my anger turned inward and I destroyed myself in the process of holding it all inside. I began to detach myself from Frank, months before I ever left him. It was easier for me because I was ready, he wasn't.
Frank and I had started bowling on a couples league with our friends, Steve & Cathy. Frank was a really good bowler and was on two men's leagues already. We pretty much raised Jennifer in the bowling alley. I used to love to watch him bowl but I was always on guard. Frank would grill me on bowling etiquette what to do and not to do. I was not to talk to the other bowlers unless they addressed me first. I did enjoy visiting with the other wives though. I learned how to crochet from one of the wife's. I took bowling lessons in the mornings to learn to bowl. I loved to bowl but I am not good at it. Frank would get really angry at me when we bowled on the couples league. He criticized every ball I threw. I was a nervous wreck. Once when it was hot in the bowling alley, I stood by the fan on the ball return and let the air blow up my blouse. Frank was furious! I had embarrassed him. Steve and Cathy laughed about it, but Frank packed up his ball right then and there and left. We were in the middle of league bowling against another team. I was mortified, but finally others could see how he treated me.
After Frank left me stranded at the bowling alley. I stayed and had a Coke with Steve and Cathy. For the first time I talked about our marriage to someone. I told them everything from the very beginning. I think they were totally shocked. I felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from me. Finally someone knew what my life was like. I told them we hadn't had sex in 18 months. We were like friends living together raising children. I think that happens more than anyone wants to admit. I didn't want to live that way at 24 y/o.
That was the last night we bowled together. Frank quit the couples league and we never spoke about it again. National Guard summer camp was coming up with in a month or so. Frank would be gone for 2 weeks. I was hanging on until then. I knew I could make it another year if I was able to have those 2 weeks to regroup in my head. I wanted to be married til death due us part...(thank goodness I didn't wait for that to happen!) Things changed between us after that night. I changed. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Someone knew my secret. Steve had always been a close friend to us. He and I became closer after that. He would stop by when Frank was at work and just sit and talk to me. He made me feel good about myself. I started taking care of myself again. I started losing weight. I looked forward to his visits.
I don't really remember how it started but things eventually became physical between Steve and I. He was attracted to me, but he was also known as a player. He cheated on his wife, Cathy, and she returned the favor. She even had a brief encounter with Frank. It was a mixed up time of secrets between all of us. Steve and I never actually had sex while I was married, but there was a lot of kissing and flirting going on. He gave me the courage to become myself again. I no longer even slightly resembled the girl Frank had married or been attracted to just 6 years ago.
I was so depressed I didn't want to live any longer. The only reason I didn't commit suicide is because of my girls. I didn't want anyone else to raise them. They needed me and I certainly needed them. I did go see a counselor once at the Macon County Mental Health Clinic. I cried the entire session, I don't even know if I spoke to him. I never went back, but I did start on antidepressants.
In my head I started to make plans to leave Frank. I was better off alone. I wouldn't have to answer to him anymore, I wouldn't have to be perfect. I felt like a single parent anyway. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was going to change my life. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that summer camp was just around the corner for the National Guard. I just needed to hang on a little longer.
Frank's name was hooked to a 15 y/o girl name Gloria, (which he would marry later in life.) She was a wild child and had been around the block a time or two. She was pregnant at fifteen and it was rumored that Frank was the father. He had also been linked to her best friend Marlena. I didn't believe the rumors, after all he didn't want sex with me so why would he want it with them? I was very naive'. He was the one that came home and told me the rumors, we just laughed at them. Gloria, was the babysitter for his friends, so she was at the house most of the time he was there. There were other girls that wanted Frank too. No one could understand what he would see in a 200lb+ woman like me. I couldn't understand it either. But believe it or not we loved each other.
My eating was out of control again. I lived in a blue nightgown. I didn't wash my hair, take a bath, or brush my teeth for days on end. I could barely function. I did try to get dressed right before Frank came home from work. I would have supper ready and the house straighten but that was all done at the last minute. During the day I sat and watched soap opera's because their lives seemed so glamorous. Jennifer helped me to take care of Stephanie. I was in such a fog, I don't remember many details of that time. I am sure I wasn't a very good mother.
Stephanie's eyes were noticeably crossed but I ignored it. At one of her checkups the doctor said it out loud, so I had to acknowledge it. I had to do something about it. He told me it was a birth defect. For the rest of my life I carried guilt for having caused the birth defect...surely it was the nose spray I had used. She was late in walking and I think it was because she couldn't focus. Her line of vision was very fuzzy. I did not push her because I didn't want to her to grow up. I wanted her to be my baby forever.
I was not the only one that was not very hygienic. Frank hadn't brushed his teeth in over a year! He had poor dental care growing up, probably never seeing a dentist as a young boy. By the time he got to see a dentist they had to pull all of his upper teeth. He had to get an upper plate. Between both of us not taking care of ourselves, I think we both knew that life wasn't good. But we didn't know how to communicate it to each other. I said nothing, he said nothing.
Frank and I never had an argument because I was afraid to dispute anything he said. I was afraid he would leave me. I regret doing that now because my anger turned inward and I destroyed myself in the process of holding it all inside. I began to detach myself from Frank, months before I ever left him. It was easier for me because I was ready, he wasn't.
Frank and I had started bowling on a couples league with our friends, Steve & Cathy. Frank was a really good bowler and was on two men's leagues already. We pretty much raised Jennifer in the bowling alley. I used to love to watch him bowl but I was always on guard. Frank would grill me on bowling etiquette what to do and not to do. I was not to talk to the other bowlers unless they addressed me first. I did enjoy visiting with the other wives though. I learned how to crochet from one of the wife's. I took bowling lessons in the mornings to learn to bowl. I loved to bowl but I am not good at it. Frank would get really angry at me when we bowled on the couples league. He criticized every ball I threw. I was a nervous wreck. Once when it was hot in the bowling alley, I stood by the fan on the ball return and let the air blow up my blouse. Frank was furious! I had embarrassed him. Steve and Cathy laughed about it, but Frank packed up his ball right then and there and left. We were in the middle of league bowling against another team. I was mortified, but finally others could see how he treated me.
After Frank left me stranded at the bowling alley. I stayed and had a Coke with Steve and Cathy. For the first time I talked about our marriage to someone. I told them everything from the very beginning. I think they were totally shocked. I felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from me. Finally someone knew what my life was like. I told them we hadn't had sex in 18 months. We were like friends living together raising children. I think that happens more than anyone wants to admit. I didn't want to live that way at 24 y/o.
That was the last night we bowled together. Frank quit the couples league and we never spoke about it again. National Guard summer camp was coming up with in a month or so. Frank would be gone for 2 weeks. I was hanging on until then. I knew I could make it another year if I was able to have those 2 weeks to regroup in my head. I wanted to be married til death due us part...(thank goodness I didn't wait for that to happen!) Things changed between us after that night. I changed. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Someone knew my secret. Steve had always been a close friend to us. He and I became closer after that. He would stop by when Frank was at work and just sit and talk to me. He made me feel good about myself. I started taking care of myself again. I started losing weight. I looked forward to his visits.
I don't really remember how it started but things eventually became physical between Steve and I. He was attracted to me, but he was also known as a player. He cheated on his wife, Cathy, and she returned the favor. She even had a brief encounter with Frank. It was a mixed up time of secrets between all of us. Steve and I never actually had sex while I was married, but there was a lot of kissing and flirting going on. He gave me the courage to become myself again. I no longer even slightly resembled the girl Frank had married or been attracted to just 6 years ago.
I was so depressed I didn't want to live any longer. The only reason I didn't commit suicide is because of my girls. I didn't want anyone else to raise them. They needed me and I certainly needed them. I did go see a counselor once at the Macon County Mental Health Clinic. I cried the entire session, I don't even know if I spoke to him. I never went back, but I did start on antidepressants.
In my head I started to make plans to leave Frank. I was better off alone. I wouldn't have to answer to him anymore, I wouldn't have to be perfect. I felt like a single parent anyway. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was going to change my life. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that summer camp was just around the corner for the National Guard. I just needed to hang on a little longer.
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