Still waters run deep....

Jennifer & Daddy

The thing about Frank is that on outside he appeared to be the quiet guy. When I told people he frighten me, they would say Little Frankie?? Are you kidding me, he wouldn't hurt a fly. He was not physically abusive to me but he controlled me in other ways. The silent treatment would bring to my knees. I had no friends to talk with, so when he came home from work I was hungry for adult conversation. I had spent the day with Jennifer and all of the characters on Sesame Street. Frank would say he didn't want to talk, he had talked all day at work. I felt so alone.

Not all things were bad between Frank and I though. We were creating our own little family. We were often like two children together. Neither of us had had a very happy childhood so now we were able to experience some of those things. We often played games at night time drawing things on each others back with our fingers. The other one would try to guess what the object was. We would laugh and just have fun. We were not really sexual people so that didn't play a very big part in our life's. Sex between us was always one sided and it was more of a duty then the pleasure sex was meant to be. I being the good wife just kind of went along with that part of life.

I was continuing to gain weight from my secret eating habits. I had gotten into the habit of finishing Jennifer's food too. My clothes were tight and made of polyester so they could expand with me. I had two outfits that fit so I wore them over and over. I had one outfit that I would wear to the laundromat so I could wash the other two. I always had to take Jennifer to the laundromat with me because Frank wouldn't watch her when I wasn't there. She would tool around in her walker and make friends with everyone there. I think the best day of my life was when we went to Sears and bought a washer and dryer. We had to open a charge account and the payment was $20.00 per month. It was the same amount I had been spending at the laundromat. It was great to have my very own set. It was a Mother's Day present from Frank.

Frank and I were on our own in this big world. Sometimes we felt like it was 'us' against the world. We were very naive about a lot of things. My best example was when we bought our first home. At that time the interest rate was around 8%, so with taxes and insurance you could expect your house payment to be right at 10%. We bought our first house for $18,000, which is less than the car I own today! Our house payment was $173.00 per month and we were afraid we wouldn't be able to make it! I have to tell you we were the best buyers an agent could ever hope to meet. We did not want to bother people by going into their home to look at it. We actually bought the first and only home we ever saw! I didn't even realize that when the house had a sign in front of it that it was for sale. I thought it was where their business office was and there just lots of them around town! I cringe at the thought of that now!

I have to take a minute and describe our house. It was a Cape Cod, 2 bedroom, 1 bath, with a dormer upstairs that also had 2 more bedrooms. It had a fenced in back yard with a 2 car garage. The house was light turquoise trimmed in a dark blue turquoise. The living room was dark avocado, walls and carpeting, the kitchen chartreuse green walls, dark green trim and a brown tiled floor. The master bedroom had three white walls and one deep rose colored wall. The bathroom had lavender tiled walls with pink shag carpet but at least it had white fixtures. Jennifer's room was bright lavender and the playroom upstairs was bright blue. To complete this decorating experience the basement floor was painted pink! This was our new home and we were happy to have it.

I took to decorating right away. I found white satin curtains with flocked avocado green flowers for the living room. We had harvest gold appliances in the chartreuse kitchen to bring it right into the 70's. Jennifer's room had a white canopy bed with a pink and white polka dotted bedspread. The playroom now had the red braided rug from our old house. Our room was brought together by a flowered bedspread with roses. The other downstairs bedroom was going to be a baby's room if we had another child. It was the only 'normal' room in the whole house!

We didn't have central air conditioning back then, that was just for the rich people. We had a window unit in the living room that cooled most of the house. Jennifer slept downstairs in the 'baby's' room when we first moved there because it was too hot upstairs. My sister-in-law and I would take our kid's to Kmart and spend the day. They had air conditioning so we would stay there for hours. We would eat lunch at the cafeteria and attend all of the blue light specials. Sally would get in close to the blue light special when it started. I would stand back out of the way with the kids. When it started she would throw the items over to me while the others would dive bomb for them. It was a lot of fun. We used to refold the clothes on the end tables while we stood and talked. The kids would lay on blankets in the carts and take naps while we walked around.

Another one of my comfort zones was spending money. I wasn't able to control my life so I racked up all of our credit cards. I handled all of the bill paying so Frank never knew what was going on. I always knew when the credit card bills were coming so I would hide them before he could see them. I think he thought I was saving money all along but there was never anything left at the end of the week. I used to get sick to my stomach knowing that the bill was coming. I was afraid Frank might intercept it one day. He never knew what I was doing. I was still on my eating frenzy too.

I didn't know at the time that Frank was so controlling because of his fear of losing me. I didn't think he wanted to be with me anyway. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me. He told me no one would want me and I believed him. He had very low self esteem also. He felt had to control me to keep me.

The Vietnam War was in full swing in those years. They had reactivated the draft. You had to register when you were 18 if you were a male. They had a lottery to decide who was going to be drafted. They had 365 balls with dates on them. It was held just like the Powerball lottery. They pulled a ball with a date on it and the people born on that date were called first. Frank's birth date was number 68 out 365, so it was very likely that he would have to go to war. I didn't want him to go to war so I talked him into joining the National Guard. If you were in the Guard you usually were not deployed to Nam.

Frank joined and a lot of people thought you were chicken if you did that. It was one step above going to Canada to evade the draft. Frank had to go to boot camp and training for 4 months, which was a short time away from home compared to 2-3 yrs service in the army. If he had joined a different branch he would have been in the infantry and on the front line of battle. He didn't have a High School diploma so he had no training to fall back on. He was able to get his GED while in training. As part of the Guard you were required to spend 1 weekend a month on duty and 2 weeks of summer camp for training. It seemed like the best fit for us.

Frank left for 4 months of basis and AIT. I wrote him almost everyday. I missed him but I also liked the freedom of not having him there too. Jennifer and I reconnected with my family and friends. It helped to pass the time. Mueller's held his job for him until he got back. We had to learn to live on a serviceman's paycheck. I ate a lot of TV dinner's back than. He always sent money home and kept very little for himself.

Frank went out on a double date with another private and some girls while he was away. They all went to see the movie Jerimah Johnson. I have always hated that movie since then. I couldn't believe he thought it was alright to go on a date. I think there was some hanky panky but I don't think they had sex. I was so hurt but I never yelled or got mad. I never forgot it either. Not only had he went on a date but he went in a movie theater and I doubt they sat in the back row!

When Frank came home he was different, distance. I think he must have had time to wonder if he had made a mistake marrying me. After time, we settled back into our routine of life. I looked forward to the weekends he was on active duty. I remember one time he was allowed to bring home on of the Jeeps. Jennifer was thrilled. All the neighbor kids came over to meet her daddy and see his Jeep. The 2 weeks at summer camp probably helped save our marriage for many years. I knew that if I could have just 2 weeks without him I could endure the 50 weeks in between.

Our little family

When Jennifer was first born we still lived in the one bedroom apartment that Linda and I had shared before we were married. I put Jennifer in a little bassinet next my side of the bed. My mother-in-law would call me every night to see how I had her laying in her bed. If she was on her stomach, she would smother to death but if I had her on her back she could choke to death if she vomited. I couldn't win. My sister, Linda was a great help. She was always over at our apartment helping me take care of the new baby and cleaning my house.

I would dress Jennifer at least six times a day. I tried on every outfit she had and then I would take her picture in it. She was like my very own living doll. She slept through the night by the time she was 2 weeks old. Back when she was little we fed our babies rice cereal at night so they would sleep. I fed her with an Infant Feeder which was frowned upon. Everyone told me she would never be able to eat from a spoon! She survived many things that are now considered toxic to babies.

Frank had been working as an oil change man for about six months. One day he had to change oil for the owner of Mueller Company in Decatur. He had to drive him back to his home while his car was being serviced. The owner talked to Frank and asked about his family. In the long run, he offered Frank a job working at the foundry. We felt like we had hit the lotto. His paycheck would end up being twice what we were used to making. It was a really dirty and hot job, but Frank never missed a day.

We found a two bedroom house to rent not far from his work. We took out a loan from the bank for $150.00 to buy a used color TV. We even had to have a cosigner! We bought a black vinyl couch that 'clicked' into a bed. We also found a black vinyl rocker that was torn in the back, but it was a great price. I made a black and red afghan to cover the torn spot. I bought bright red satin curtains with white sheers behind them to put in the windows. We even had a red and black braided oval rug to cover the wooden floors. We would have loved to have wall to wall carpeting but it was too expensive. I can remember thinking about how lucky we were to have such a great house.

We didn't do much for entertainment because Frank was really funny about being in public. He refused to eat inside of a restaurant because he didn't want people to watch him eat. So we would call our order in to the local Bonanza and eat it in Styrofoam containers in the parking lot in our car. He didn't go to indoor movies because he didn't want anyone to look at the back of his neck. He did finally after a few years, start going to movies but we always had to sit in the back row! Our entertainment consisted of riding up and down Eldorado Street cruising in our '68 Chevy Impala with Jennifer laying between us on the seat.

One thing that we did almost every weekend was to go to his brother's home and play cards. They had a little girl too. We would play Rummy for hours but it was never husband & wife against husband & wife, it was always women vs men. My sister-in-law and I would always win. We would laugh and tease the guys afterward. Frank hated that. One time when we got home, he yelled at me and picked up one of his racing trophy's and threw against the wall. It broke. I was scared to death. He left in a rage and drove around for hours. I laid in the bed and cried. I was afraid he was going to leave me. I didn't want to be alone. When he did finally come home he refused to talk to me. Not just that night but for days. I would beg him to talk to me, but he refused. I did everything I thought a good wife should do but nothing worked. Usually around Thursday he would start talking to me again, I was thrilled. I never argued with him, never yelled at him and certainly never talked back to him in the six years that we were married. I didn't want to be divorced, I wanted to be married. When Saturday came around we would once again go back to his brother's house to play Rummy. The girls would win and the same pattern would happen when we got home. He wouldn't talk to me from Sunday until Thursday almost every week. I would beg to not go to their house but it didn't matter we went anyway. It was a really hard time in my life.

When Jennifer was born, I weighed over 200lbs. The only weight I lost was the 7lbs 8ozs that she weighed. When Frank was at work I continued to eat secretly. I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I looked like a freak. I no longer resembled the girl in high school, the girl he fell in love with. I wasn't fun anymore, I lost myself. I lived and breathed for Jennifer, she was my ray of sunshine. She was growing so fast. She was a very independent little girl and loved to talk. She was the sweetest little thing on earth. She and Frank were best buddies. She loved when he came through the door after work. He loved playing with her. If he went somewhere she would be right behind him.

The only friends I had were his family and the wife's of people at Mueller's. Every night I had to take Frank his dinner at 7:30 to the parking lot at work. He didn't like to eat out and he didn't like sandwiches. I had to make him a hot meal every night. I would load the food and Jennifer into the car and off we'd go. I remember the TV show, The Walton's, came on during that time. I asked Frank if I could skip that one day a week so I could watch the program. He absolutely would not hear of it! I continued to meet him every night, until my second child was born.

Frank did not like socializing with anyone, but especially not with my family. One time he did agree to go to a cookout at my sister's house. I made potato salad and was bringing fresh tomatoes for everyone. Frank did not believe in helping me do anything. That included carrying groceries, laundry, baby items or baby...I did it all. He would sit in his chair and watch sports until I got the car loaded, then he would come out to drive the car. On this particular day, we were on our way to the cook out. I had loaded everything in the car and we driving down the street. I noticed that people outside were staring at us and pointing. I thought what on earth is wrong with them? I even mentioned to Frank that people were looking at us. He hated anyone to look at him. Pretty soon it was like they started throwing tomatoes at our car, I couldn't believe it! It wasn't until the bowl of potato salad fell on the hood of the car did I know what had happened. I had left the food on top of the car! Frank was furious. He turned the car around and went right back home. I was stunned. I cried as I once again unloaded the car and took Jennifer back inside. There would be no cookout for us. I never said a word, a good wife would just try to apologize to her husband. Once again he would not talk to me. I was so lonely, so very lonely.

The Baby

Me and Jenny Rebecca

I was looking forward to having my very own baby and my time was growing near. Back in the 70's we didn't have sonograms done very often, if at all. We were not sure of the sex of the baby until it had arrived. Of course, we did silly little tests like hanging a pen from a string over your belly. If it swayed one way it was a girl and the other it was a boy. I had done all of those things but it was exciting to not know until delivery.



Frank and I couldn't decide on a boy's name. I loved the name Michael but the baby would be Mike Fyke and he hated that name. I also liked the name Rusty or Andrew but Frank didn't like either one of those. We absolutely did not have a name picked for a boy. If it was a girl I always knew I would name her, Jenny Rebbeca. There was a Gerber baby food commercial that aired at that time and the baby's name was Jenny Rebecca. They also had the boy's name as Christopher Michael. I fell in love with the girl's name.



My due date was, Feb. 3rd, and that was the day she was born. I was laying in bed early that morning and I thought I had wet the bed. I sat upright, horrified. I called my sister Janet, who was a nurse and told her what had happened. She said, "My little sister is going to have a baby today"! All of a sudden it was real! I was going to have a baby. I had started attending birthing classes 3 weeks earlier. The class that night was going to be the one where we actually saw the labor and delivery rooms. I really was looking forward to that one. The funny thing is that when the class came to visit the delivery room, I was the mother waiting in the hall to delivery my baby! I had never even talked to another woman about what happens in delivery. I had only seen movies of women screaming in agony. I was scared.



I called my doctor's office and told them that my water had broken. I wasn't having any labor pains yet. They told me to come into the hospital. I decided I had better get something to eat because it might be along time before I would get to eat again. All we had to eat was a can of pork and beans, so I ate it, boy did I regret that. I also took a shower and shaved my legs. Not long after that, Kathryn, called and a told me I needed to go to the hospital right away. She told me the cord could get wrapped around the baby's neck and die! Yikes, what a thing to tell a scared young girl.



I checked into the hospital around noon. I was assigned to a labor room, that had a telephone, most of them don't. I got into bed and Frank got on the phone. He called everyone he knew and told them I was in labor. The pains started to get pretty intense and I started to scream and cry. Frank of course was on the phone the entire time. He was not next to me holding my hand or rubbing my back. Of course, I didn't want to bother him because a 'good wife' took care of themselves. We didn't have much for pain back then at all. I didn't know about Lamaze breathing or anything else. I spent the entire time holding on to the rails of the bed screaming. I know the people on the phone could hear me in the background. I hated that damned phone.



The doctors came in and checked me to see how dilated I was in the evening. He said it would be after midnight before I delivered. Frank asked me if it was okay if he went bowling since it was his league night. "Are you kidding me"?? is what my brain was shouting but my mouth said, "No, go ahead and go bowling". They checked me one more time before he was going to leave. They told me not to push but I did anyway. I didn't want him to go bowling but I didn't have the courage to tell him...so I pushed. When I pushed she came down the birth canal too fast and fractured my tailbone. They rushed me to the delivery room right away. They gave me gas to knock me out. I delivered my baby at 7:48 pm right when Frank's bowling was supposed to start! I had also torn my insides pretty badly and had to have lots and lots of stitches. It was very painful



Jennifer Rebecca, weighed 7lbs 8ozs and was the most beautiful baby I could ever imagine. She had lots of hair and was perfect in every way. I was so in love with her I just couldn't believe it. I didn't know that with each child God gives you a gift of love just for that one little being. Frank was crazy about her too. Back then they didn't let the fathers in the delivery room so he had to sit in a waiting room. He got to see her first because I was in so much pain. He wasn't allowed to hold her in the hospital back then. We were so very, very happy. She completed our little family. We were going to be good parents and we were going to have a happy life.



I was in the hospital with her for 7 days. I had done so much damage to my body that I couldn't walk or sit. My tailbone had to heal itself and it hurt for many years afterward. I couldn't walk to the nursery window to see her because I couldn't stand up very long. Frank spent all of his time in front of that nursery room window. I was able to hold her during feeding time. It wasn't 'cool' back than to breast feed so she was given formula (Similac) right away. I was given a pill to dry up my breast milk while I was still in the hospital.



We weren't allowed to unwrap our babies back then either. I would try to peek under the blankets when the nurses weren't looking. She had fur on her little ears and down the back of her neck. She looked like a little Indian papoose with her hair and her dark complexion. She looked just like Frank and nothing like me. I pulled her blanket back from her neck and and I noticed she had a black mole on her upper back. I called it a beauty mark but unfortunately it wasn't one. It had to be removed when she got older.



On my last day at the hospital I finally was able to go down to the nursery in a wheelchair. I had to balance myself on my arms because my bottom was so swollen. I know Jennifer was the prettiest baby in the nursery because I heard other people talking about her. They would say, look at that pretty baby over there and point right at her. I was so proud.



Frank picked us up at the front door of St Mary's Hospital to take us home. It was really cold and icy. I held Jennifer tight in my arms in the front seat...no baby carriers or car seats back then. We drove about half of a block from the hospital when Frank pulled over. I asked him what was wrong and he reached over to take Jennifer. That was the first time he ever held her. He looked into her little eyes and told her he loved her.



Frank was really smitten with Jennifer. He wanted to hold her all the time. He liked to feed her when it was time for her bottle. He never changed one single diaper the whole time we were married. He too finally had someone to love him, no matter what happened in life. She belonged to us. We were happy.

Getting to know you...

Frank & me having fun

Life as a bride and wife was certainly different than what I had thought it would be. Frank came back around the next day and acted like nothing had happened. I wanted to talk about it and find out what I had done wrong so I wouldn't repeat my actions, but Frank was not a talker.

I would make dinner for him after I got home from work. He was now working as an oil change serviceman at the local Pontiac dealership. My cousin worked there so he gave him the job to help us out. I was still working at the bank trying to act as if my life was a happy one. I continued to grow larger and larger with my baby. I could no longer wear my precious wedding band because my hands were too swollen. If fact, I never wore it again and in the later years I sold it to buy a winter coat!

As I have said before Frank, was a very picky eater. I wasn't a good cook but I knew how to cook. Our apartment was small but the kitchen had two doors, one on each end of the room. I was standing at the stove stirring gravy in the skillet. I put salt and pepper in the mix and after stirring once again I tasted it. I put the spoon back in the gravy after I tasted it. Frank had been standing at the other door and I didn't see him. I heard him holler my name and I looked up, like I had been caught breaking in to the bank vault. He did not want to eat anything that had touched my lips! He knew I had the spoon in my mouth so I had to throw the whole thing away. He left in a huff as usual. It was his habit to leave me alone and drive for hours around town. Sometimes stopping to visit his friends. He wanted me to severe all ties with my family and friends, so I did. I had friends that lived in the same apartment building with us but he didn't want me to see them either. Sometimes when he went to work I would sneak upstairs to visit my girlfriends anyway. He didn't want me to talk to anyone on the phone either. If I was home he would call on his break to make sure the phone line wasn't busy.

The first 6 months of our marriage, I spent alone at night. He would go to his mothers apartment after work to shower and change his clothes. He would then come over for dinner and to watch TV with me. Around 10:00 pm he would go for a ride and then back to his mother's apartment to sleep. He would be back in the mornings for breakfast and to pick up the lunch that I had fixed. I did all of his laundry accept for his underwear, his mother still did those. It was really strange and I knew it. I felt it must be my fault that he didn't want to stay with me. I was embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on in my life. I knew it was wrong but I thought that that was all I deserved in life.

My baby continued to grown in my belly and I was thrilled. Frank loved to feel her moving around. It was exciting and scary all at the same time. He never went to any of my doctor's appointments with me. I gained 42 lbs with this baby. When we married I weighed around 165 lbs now I was over 200 lbs! The dresses I had worn in the beginning of my pregnancy were now worn as blouses. I never took any prenatal classes and I knew nothing about giving birth. No one had ever told me anything at all. Lamaze classes were really popular at that time but I didn't get to take any of them.

I was always responsible for all of the chores in the house. Frank sat in his chair while I waited on him hand and foot. To be fair, I will say that I started that pattern of life. I thought that is what a 'good' wife was supposed to do. There was no 50/50 plan in our house. I brought Frank his food on a TV tray. I even cut his meat for him, making sure not an ounce of fat was on it. I made sure the food wasn't touching and I definitely did not 'taste' the food before serving it. I had without knowing become a shell of the girl I had once been. I was no longer fun and outgoing. I was quiet and withdrawn. I comforted myself with my best friend, food.

I was doing the weekly shopping at Kmart, it was New Years Day 1972. I had gone to the store all by myself as usual. I was 8 months pregnant and shopping was hard. I had to pick up cases of pop to buy for Frank. I will tell you now, I put myself in this position, I asked nothing of him and he gave me nothing in return. We had been married for six months at this time. Frank walked up behind me in the grocery aisle. I was shocked! I didn't ever expect to see in there. He took my hand and told me from that day on things were going to be different. He was going to start living with me and being my husband. I was in disbelief but I was thrilled.

I came home that night and he was there. When it came to the bewitching hour of 10 pm he didn't leave. Instead he headed for the shower and came out a few minutes later. He was wrapped in a towel. He dropped the towel and stood before me naked. I just looked at him. He said, "this is the way I look", I still just sat there. I said okay. It was the first time I had ever seen him completely naked. I don't know what he thought I was going to do but I just sat there. He later told me if I had laughed he would have left me. It turns out he too was embarrassed by his body. I didn't know that men thought like that too! I think I fell in love with him that night. He too, like me, was vulnerable.

Our life really did change after that. We were a family. We were living like normal married people and I was truly happy.

Friday the 13th 'The Wedding'

In the 70's we were all about free love, burning bras, flags and incense. We wore tye dye shirts and macrame' belts. We wore flowers in our hair and even put flowers on our cars. I was what was known as a 'hippie wannabe'. I dressed the part but I didn't really walk the walk. I had tried smoking marijuana a couple of times. I am not a smoker so I coughed up more than I ever inhaled. I never took to drugs which is surprising knowing the addictive behavior I have as a whole. I didn't like being out of control. I felt like my whole life had been that way and I didn't like knowing that a substance had the power to take over my thoughts and actions. I never got into drugs, thankfully. I did try to take speed aka 'white cross' to help me lose weight. I think it made me eat faster! I only tried that once. Even though, Frank never indulged in any of these things he was attracted to me because I was daring and outgoing. I think I did the things he didn't have the courage to do.

I had to plan for a wedding in less than 2 weeks. Frank told me that he would marry me in front of the justice of the peace and not in a chapel or church setting. That was okay with me. I had quit going to church many years before. I just wanted to be his wife. I was going to invite my family and friends to the wedding. I told Frank so he could invite his family and friends too. His face froze when I told him of my plans. He told me in no uncertain terms that no one could come to the wedding. He didn't want anyone to even know when or where it was going to be. I was shocked. I thought he was kidding. No, I could tell by the look on his face that he was dead serious. I did not see the huge red flag that was waving in my face.

I had told my sisters that I was getting married. Now I had to tell them that they couldn't come. I was heartbroken but I continued to make plans. I called my dad and left a message with Kathryn that I was getting married and that I was pregnant and then I hung up. I didn't give her a chance to respond. I wanted to hurt my dad. I knew he would be disappointed in me. I wanted to disappoint him like he always had done to me.

I borrowed a white cotton dress from one of my girlfriends. It was a maternity dress, it had a red, white and blue striped belt that went just above my stomach. I had to work the day of my wedding so we decided to get married on my lunch hour. I wore a uniform at the bank where I worked so I had to bring my dress to work with me. I hung my dress in the backseat of my car the night before so I could change before we went to the courthouse. I had bought myself a gold wedding band with little intertwined rings etched all the way around it. I was ready for my big day. One of the ladies at work had went into the ladies room where my dress was hanging. It had axle grease all down the front of it from the back of my car. I hadn't even noticed it. She had left work and taken it to the 1 hour cleaners for me. She also bought me a red rose in a handheld glass carrier so I would have flowers. It was so nice of her. I still did not see the red flag.

Frank came to pick me up to take me to courthouse. My boss had given me an extended lunch so we could grab some lunch too. When I got in the car there was a white corsage box sitting in the seat next to him. Wow! I opened it and inside was a pink carnation corsage with a little rhinestone heart. I loved it and I told him I did. He grumbled that my sister, Linda, had given to him to give me. He didn't want me to take or wear any flowers inside the courthouse. He didn't want me to call any attention to us when we went see the judge. My heart ached but I knew he wouldn't marry me if I didn't do as he said. I didn't see the red flag.

He had a couple of his friends, Marty & Jeff, stand up with us as our witness's. I had wanted my sisters to be with me on my wedding day. Later I learned that my sister, Linda and my step-mother, Kathryn were in the back of the courtroom that day and saw the entire wedding. I never even knew they were there. I felt so alone that afternoon. I had never met Frank's friends until that day. The judge asked me three times if I really wanted to get married that day because it was Friday the 13th. I said yes three times...I think a cock crowed in the background. In a matter of minutes we were husband and wife, I felt complete. I was someones wife therefore; I must be lovable.

We had a 'Full Meal Deal' at Burger King for lunch to celebrate. Frank did not eat inside restaurants so we went through the drive through and took back to my apartment. I was the only one working at the time so I had to go back to work until 6:00 pm that night. Not quite like the wedding I had dreamed about as a little girl.

Frank picked me up after work and took me to his friend's house for dinner. Frank was a very picky eater so he dictated the menu. I don't remember everything but I know we had a frozen turkey roll as the main course. Marty had bake a two layer cake with white icing. She had put a bride and groom on the top. I loved it! They even had presents for us. It almost seemed like a real wedding day. Their little girl was sitting at the table while we were eating. The cake was just too much for her so reached over during the meal and took a big hunk out of the side of the cake. The bride and groom fell to the floor. I didn't see the red flag.

After dinner we left and went a gas station where Frank's brother was working on a car for the demolition derby. We pulled up out front, I was looking forward to meeting his family. I started to open my car door when he told me to just wait in the car. I sat in the car holding the little bride and groom from atop the cake in my hands. I sat there for a really long time. I didn't dare get out of the car because he had told me to wait. After what seemed to be hours his sister-in-law looked out the door and saw me sitting there by myself. She came out to the car and asked me who I was. I held up the bride and groom and said I am Frank's wife, we got married today. She about flipped out. She went inside to tell everyone. The next thing I knew Frank came flying out and jumped in the car. He started it up and gunned the engine. The gravel flew and we peeled out of the gas station. I was shocked. I asked him what I had done, what had happened. He refused to look at me or to answer me. For the first time I was scared...what had I done? Frank pulled up to my apartment and told me to get out. I got out and stood on the sidewalk with my bride and groom. I had tears streaming down my face it was my wedding day and I was alone. I didn't see the red flags.....

Frank...

Frank

When Steve introduced me to Frank, I thought he was cute. He had a baby face and was chubby like me. He was very shy. I was very outgoing and could talk to anyone. I had many friends and strangers became my friends the minute I smiled at them. Frank had a beautiful car that I fell in love with immediately, more the car then him, unfortunately. It was a 1962, Chevy Impala, dark pine green with chrome wheels. The funny thing was that it really only had 3 chrome wheels because one had cracked so he had to take it off. But if you were only looking at it from the side it looked good. It was loud because of the the exhaust system he had on it. Now that I think back, I wish I would have just bought the car!

He was nice but really, really, shy. I knew he liked me but he just didn't seem to have the courage to ask me out. He finally did though or maybe I asked him, I don't remember for sure. He was going to take me to the drive-in movies. He wasn't working and didn't have much money. He had dropped out of high school and was living with his mother. She gave him money everyday to buy bread and bologna for his lunch.

I was so excited for our first date. Not only was it 'our' first date but it was my first date period! Friday night came and I waited for him to pick me up to go to the drive-in. He lived around the corner from me at the time. He didn't have a horn so he would rev up his engine when he drove by my house. That would be my signal to come out when he got there. I was so excited, someone actually wanted to spend time with me! It was time for him to pick me up and I was ready. It got later and later...no Frank. I stood at the front window to make sure I didn't miss him. No Frank. It was dark by now and the movies had started, I was still waiting by the window. It finally dawned on me, I had been stood up! I was crushed. How could I have been so stupid to think someone would want to go out with me?

Later that night I heard the familiar sound of the revving of his engine as he went around the corner. My heart skipped a beat, he was there, he still liked me. He drove around the corner a few more times before he finally parked and came inside. I was so glad he stopped that I swallowed my pride and said nothing about being stood up. I welcomed him with open arms. My self esteem was so low back at that time of my life, I am still ashamed of my behavior. I don't even know if he offered an explanation for not showing up. It didn't matter to me, I just wanted someone to like me.

We had sex early in our relationship. I thought that was the way to keep him. He was extremely shy about sex, I am not sure if I was his first or not. He wouldn't even take his clothes off for sex. He just pulled his jeans down and did the deed. It wasn't fun, it didn't feel good, it was just part of life.

The next weekend we made plans to go to the drive-in again. Once again I was ready and excited to actually have a date. Maybe one of my girlfriends would see me out with a boy. That would be so cool, the fat girl finally gets a boyfriend. But it was like reliving the weekend before...time to be picked up..no Frank. Once again I was in the window waiting...no Frank. It got dark and I realized he wasn't coming.
Just like the weekend before I heard him drive by my house, many times. He finally parked the car and came to the door. I answered acting as if nothing had happened. I felt like he was probably ashamed to be seen with me. I said nothing and neither did he. I sometimes wonder if he didn't have the money to take me out but didn't want to tell me. I really liked being with him. Once again the night would end in rushed sex in the dark. This scenario happened at least a dozen times before we actually went to the drive-in. I remember when we finally did go, sitting in the car telling him I couldn't believe we were actually there! I was happy.

As luck would have it, during one of our times of rushed sex in the dark, I got pregnant. I knew after I missed my first period but I didn't go to the doctor for along time. I was so excited. I was finally going to have a baby, my baby. Someone to love me, someone that belonged to me. I wasn't sure how Frank would take the news but I didn't care. I didn't really care if he was a part of my life or not. I went to the doctor and he confirmed that I was indeed pregnant about 3 months to be exact. On the way home, I stopped and bought 2 maternity outfits. I met Frank at the door that night wearing one of them. I told him and he was excited too! He wanted to have a family too. We were so happy!

Frank was the youngest of six kids. His father had been a police officer in town. He left Frank's mother for another woman. He had another four sons with his girlfriend. Frank's mother was left to raise her six children all alone, no child support. Frank's life was very unstable. They lived in rental houses until they were evicted when the landlord had had enough of nonpayment of rent. Frank's older brothers had left the home and married or made lives for themselves. His sister had also gotten married. His mother spent most of her time at her boyfriend's house so she wasn't ever home with him. Although he lived in his mother's apartment it seemed like it was his own place. He never had a good family life and his goal was to make his own family. He wanted to be good husband and father.

After telling Frank that I was indeed pregnant I didn't want him to feel like he was stuck with me. I asked him if he wanted me to go to a home for unwed mothers or if he wanted to get married. He said, "Well, I guess we should get married." There it was...my dream come true proposal!! I was going to be a bride, a wife, I couldn't believe my good luck! I got out the calendar and asked him which day was best for him. We picked a Friday 2 weeks away, August 13, 1971, Friday the 13th, how appropriate! I thought it was funny.

Frank was underage so his mother had to sign for him to marry me. I was 18 and he was 19, in the state of Illinois the boys had to be 21 to marry without consent. I had never met his mother and he didn't seem to want me to meet her. She did take him to J C Penney's to buy a pair of brown pants and a gold shirt to wear to our wedding. I always had the feeling that he was ashamed of his family. I was still living with Linda and she was planning on getting married 2 weeks after me on Aug 28th. Frank and I would live in the apartment Linda and I shared after she married Bob.

I was happy. I was going to have the family I always wanted. Frank and I had grown to love and care about each other. I knew I would be married to him for life and I would live happily ever after.

Coming of age...

(Me, Dad, Janet, Kathryn and Linda)

After my dad remarried, I went through yet another change. While he was gone on his honeymoon I decided it would be a good time to experiment with sex. I had never had sex or anything really very intimate before. I thought sex was interesting because it was forbidden and secretive. I thought maybe if I had sex I would feel pretty. Maybe boys would finally like me and want to go out on a date with me.

I had a friend also named Kathy, she had a brother named Mike. Kathy and I hung out a lot of the time. I spent lots of time at her mom's apartment. Her mom was sleeping with the landlord downstairs so we were alone most of the time in the apartment. Her brother had been flirting with me so I decided he was the one I would have sex with for the first time. It is so embarrassing to remember that first time. I used to make a lot of my own clothes so I made a pair of turquoise flannel jumpsuit pajamas with a zipper. Oh yes, for the glamour effect I added lace around the neck and sleeves. Oh did I mention, I also had my hair in sponge rollers, bright pink sponge rollers?

The apartment was very small just a kitchen and living room with a shared bathroom. Mike and I were sleeping together in the hallway on a pallet. My girlfriend was 'sleeping' on the sleeper sofa in the living room. She heard everything!! You can only imagine the conversation that went on with the first time having sex. The only thing I remember is that was a huge let down. It hurt and it was over in a flash. I was embarrassed to be naked with this guy and I didn't even want to look him in the face anymore. Eeeeeeeeeewwwww what was all the mystery about sex? He didn't treat me any better than before sex, that is until he wanted it again. I felt like I had to the next time...like I owed him or something. He would be my first, I would always remember the date and that I was sixteen. I think he ended up in prison later in life...seems like a pattern for me.

Once I broke the 'cherry' of not being a virgin anymore I continued to pursue finding out the mystery of it all. That same week I had sex with his best friend, same result. I never felt any better about myself and no one asked me out for a date. I felt bad about what I was doing but I hated myself anyway, so I continued to search for love in all the wrong places as they say. I never used any type of protection. I didn't care if I got pregnant because I wanted a baby. I thought if I had a baby I would finally have someone who loved me. I was lucky, no diseases, no babies.

Dad and Kathryn returned from their honeymoon and my dad's drinking started up again. Most of the time she would go with him to the bars. They seemed to be have a good time together. It also gave me time to run with my friends without being watched. I rode up and down Eldorado St with my friends in my dad's 1963 Rambler. It was two toned gold with reclining bucket seats and four doors. It was awful but I had wheels. We spent lots of time driving back and forth flirting with the boys but no one ever liked me. My dad's drinking started to get out of control again. More and more times he didn't come home after work and Kathryn would go out and look for him. My new life was starting to crumble once again. I was a senior in high school and by now I was sick of living with an alcoholic.

One night I had my dad's car and I was cruising Eldo with my girlfriend, when he and Kathryn flagged me down. They had had and argument and my dad wanted his car back. Kathryn took my friend home and I rode back to our house with her. I was embarrassed by my dad's drunken display. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't going to live with the drinking yet again. My sister, Linda, was staying with us at the time. We talked about what had happened and she told me I could get an apartment with her.

I told my dad the next day, that I was moving out. I didn't want to live with his drinking anymore. He knew I was dead serious and agreed even though I was underage. Linda and I found an apartment in an old house on N Main St. It only had one bedroom but she worked nights at the post office and I went to school during the day. The rent was $72.00 per month and we split that. It was hard to come up with my half. I was going to school in the mornings and working at Soy Capital Bank in the afternoons and on Saturday. It wasn't even money so I also took a job working nights at the Colonial Pancake house. I would work until closing which was 2 a.m. and going to school in the morning. I wasn't a good waitress so I only lasted a few weeks.

Linda and I got along for the most part. She was dating, Bob at the time. I was still a strong willed child and not always easy to reckon with, I'm sure. We had fun being on our own. Our first Christmas we had a tree limb for our Christmas tree. It was like a Charlie Brown Christmas but I have never forgotten that silly ole tree, it was the best!

I was still experimenting with sex during that time. I was picking up strangers at the bus stop or at the pancake house. I still was struggling with trying to fit in. I wanted a boyfriend and I thought that was the way to do it. I never got a boyfriend that way only a string of one night stands. I am lucky no one ever hurt me during those times. I shudder to think of the danger I put myself in at such a vulnerable time.

I had continued my friendship with Kathy. Now she lived down the street from me. We had lots of fun. Linda and I had bought a car together so once again I had wheels. It was a 1960, Covair, blue exterior with a red steering wheel. If you drove faster than 30 mph the steering wheel would shake until you slowed down. It didn't matter to me because I had wheels! Kathy and I started to hang out with some of my friends from school. Jim and Steve were best buddies so we all drove around together. I had a crush on Steve and so did she. She cute and had a great build so it only stood to reason that Steve would like her. Once again, always the bridesmaid never the bride. Steve told me about a friend of his that he thought I would like, his name was Frank Fyke. I had no idea what was ahead of me!!

Teenage years...

Life in the home just became normal to me after awhile. Janet was only there for 1-2 years before she graduated from high school. She was able to go to nursing school and later become a register nurse. I was always so proud to have a sister that was a nurse. When we still lived at home during her freshman year, she attended school at a convent. She wanted to be a hospital nun. I think she just did it to get out of our house. Dad used to take us to visit her once a month in Riverton, IL at St Francis. I really was proud to have someone so 'holy' in our family. In my family on my mother's side, were many nuns and priests. Later in their lives they also quit the order. Everyone married and had children, it was quite an honor in a Catholic family to have someone in the religious order. The convent that Janet attended closed down after her freshman year. She came back home to live until we went to the home. I missed seeing her everyday but it made me even more independent in the long run. Linda went to a airline school located in Kansas City after graduation. Her dream was to become a ticketing agent not necessarily a flight attendant. She decided not to pursue that line of work after completing the school and moved to Florida instead. I was so proud of her because I thought she was so brave to move away from Decatur. She would move to many locations in her lifetime and loved to travel too. With my sister's both out of the home, I felt truly alone. I was still the fat girl with no dates. My friends were finding boyfriends but I never did. I remember the embarrassment I felt in gym class on the days that the middle divider was opened in the gym. We would have to share the gym with the boys. We wore navy gym suits that snapped up the front and had elastic around the legs. The elastic made a bubble look to the top of your legs. I thought that everyone was looking at my fat thighs. I felt like I was enormous. I covered my shame with laughter. I poked fat jokes at myself so I could laugh at myself first. I have kept that up my entire life...always the funny one. I was terrible at gym. I didn't know how to play the simplest of games. We didn't play baseball, soccer, hockey or any other sport. I was never around boys so I only knew girly things. I hated the day we had to do the 600 run on the track. It was like the worst day possible. I was always last.

Mrs Pratt had retired the last year I lived in the home. I was glad to see her go. She was still wearing her squeaky shoes the day she left. We got new houseparents after she left. Mr and Mrs Shales, they had a house built in the back yard of Webster Hall. They had two children of their own so they didn't want to live in the actual building that we lived in. I thought things would be better when they took over and to a point it was better. I was still my bossy self and my attitude had gotten much worst. I didn't want to live in the home anymore and 2 more years seemed like a lifetime. I think we all felt pretty jealous because the Shales had a home and a real life and we didn't. Mrs. Shales seemed to be the one in charge for the most part but I think Mr Shales really did the dictating and she followed his command. Mr Shales had a heart attack and had to be in the hospital for awhile. Even after getting out of the hospital he had to stay home and take it easy.

I was in charge of the dish washing room for the month. It was my job to be sure all the dishes were clean and put away. It was run like a military operation. One to scrap, one to rinse, one to run the dishwasher, two to put away dishes. It usually worked well. That is accept for this one day...Melinda, was on ketchup and mustard detail. That involved taking small dishes of mustard & ketchup and scrapping the remains back into the large jars. After emptying the small containers she was to bring them to the dish washing room so we could wash them. This day as most days she was very slow. She always marched to her own drummer anyway. I kept telling her to hurry up and get them in there so I could shut down the room. She didn't listen to me after many attempts to get her to hurry. I told her that she would have to wash them by hand because I was shutting it down. I did what I said. We all finished up and went back to floors for the rest of the evening. That night, Mr Shales, decided to come over to the main house and do a surprise inspection. He was still very fragile from his recent surgery. I had heard he was down in the kitchen...I knew it was a matter of time for I got called down there. Sure enough I heard my last name being called over the loud speaker..."Layton get down here!" I didn't hurry, in fact I think I said, 'I'm not going down there'...I knew he couldn't walk the stairs. I waited for quite awhile and then I finally went down to the kitchen. He was waiting for me and he was very angry. He grabbed me by the arm and started to yell at me. I snapped. I grabbed him and threw him against the wall and told him to keep his hands off of me. Now honestly, no one was more surprised than me. I didn't let my fear show though. I stood tough and defended my ground. I did wash the dishes but I wasn't happy about it. He left and went home. I went back upstairs to watch TV. What I didn't know is that they had to call the ambulance to his house because he almost had another heart attack. Later that night, Mrs Shales, called me out of the TV room. She was crying and she got in my face. She shouted, "I hope you know my husband almost died tonight." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I wish he had died." It just kills me to know I could be so hateful to someone in such pain.

I don't know what happened exactly after that. I was called to the front office the next day. I was told that I was going home to live with my dad & Juanita in their apartment on a trial basis. If it didn't work out I was going have to go live in a convent until I was 18. I secretly began thinking of all the things I could do to the nuns. I didn't care what happened to me anymore.

I packed one suitcase and my dad picked me up. Now I was back with the same family that didn't want me. We lived in a two bedroom apartment on Wood St. We actually lived in that apartment house 3 different times in my life. I am not clear on what happened but Juanita didn't stay with dad long after I moved in. This time there was an actual divorce. I know that dad was still drinking and I am sure that played a very big role in that final breakup. Also it had been the first time they had ever lived alone, now she had me again. Only the girl that came back to live this time was not the chubby little girl that had once lived with her. Now I had a big dose of attitude. It must have been hard on her.

After she moved out, I became the 'wife'. I made the grocery list, cooked the food, cleaned the house and I liked it. I felt so grown up. I could watch TV whenever I wanted. I was still in the same high school with my same friends. It was a fun time in my life because my dad was so busy drinking in the bars he left me alone a lot. He would call me and tell me what to fix for dinner. That was my time to learn to cook, by trial and error. I didn't have anyone to teach me so we had some pretty nasty meals. I would take the bus after school and then go to a friends house or go downtown and hangout. I would take the bus home making sure that I got home right before dad did. He never knew what I was doing. It was frustrating at times because I would fix dinner and then he wouldn't come home to eat. I was to put his dinner in a pie tin, covered with aluminum foil, in the oven on 'warm'. He would come home drunk and eat his dinner after I had gone to bed. I hated it, I felt like a wife waiting for her husband to come home. Once I decided, hell with it, and I threw his dinner away. When he came home that night he woke me up and made me cook him a whole new dinner. I never threw his supper away again.

He used to sit at the kitchen table and drink Mogan David wine out of a big jug. He would have me sit at the table with him while he talked and talked. He would smack his lips together while talking....I hated it. I hated the way he smelled of booze. He bounced into the walls and walked around in his underwear. It was very uncomfortable for me. But it was better than being in the home. I can't be sure because my memories refuse to let me know but I think he molested me during that time. I remember him whistling at me in my shorty pajamas at night. It made my skin crawl. I remember being in bed one night and he came into my room. He sat on my bed and kissed me. I don't know what happened next but I remember sitting at the top of my bed with my arms folded and my knees drawn up to my chest. I was rocking back and forth. Maybe I was just scared or maybe something happened. I try not to dwell on it. I do think he left a terrible imprint on my life though.

During this time I also remember the best years of my life. My girlfriends and I had great slumber parties on the weekends. We took turns staying at each others house. It was great. We learned all kinds of things. We did fun things like doing each others hair and nails. We ate like pigs talked about boys and could split one small bottle of Sloe Gin between 12 girls. We learned how to kiss from one of the girls' older brother's. We put each other into to trances. Such wonderful friends, such great friends and most of us are still friends even to this day. These are the things I choose to remember about my teenage years.

Of course, all good things come to an end. Dad had found a new step-mother for me. Her name was Kathryn and he thought she had money because she had a nice home. Kathryn thought he had money because he had a good job...a marriage based on deceit. We moved out of our apartment and moved into her house. I was to now become the daughter again and she would be the wife. That was a very hard transition for me. I had lost my freedom once again. I did have one week to myself while they went on their honeymoon though...that wasn't good.

I was sixteen, I was angry and I had lost my place in life. Kathryn was very nice to me but she was a stranger. I no longer needed nor wanted a mother in my life. I introduced her as my father's wife, never my step-mother. She was very particular about her home. She was a very neat and orderly person. I also gained another step-brother Gary and a step-sister Carol. They were much older. Carol was married and had three children. Gary was divorced and a misfit in life per his mother. I didn't know Gary well at all. I was told while they were on their honeymoon I was not to let Gary in the house because he wanted his gun. I was not to give him his gun under any circumstances. Guess who came over to visit when he knew Kathryn was out of town? Gary! Guess who got his gun back? Gary! I wasn't going to stand up to someone I didn't know and I sure wasn't going to fight someone over a gun!

Webster Hall...

I'm not sure how I got the status of Bully or Ringleader but that was my title. I was in trouble all the time but I didn't care. I liked be feared but the other girls. I remember even intimidating one of the housemother's, her name was Mrs Wampler. She didn't want us to play cards, dance or listen to music. She was tall and skinny with red hair, almost like the lady in Annie the play. One night when she went to bed, I crawled out onto the fire escape and scratched her screen window and made scary sounds. She came running out of her room and we were all doubled over in laughter. I think the thing that sent her over the top was the night she locked herself in her room. I threw jelly beans at her door, it sounded like bullets because it was a wooden door. She quit soon after that! I was always doing silly things that got me into trouble.

Since there were so many of us on the floor, 14 I think, we had to do things in order. We had to sign up for a time to shower or take a bath. We had to sign up to do our ironing or use the sewing machine. Everyone usually waited for me to choose than they would sign up for their times. It is almost embarrassing to remember these things but unfortunately they were true.
We were allotted 3 bras a year. They came from J C Penney's, they were stitched in circles on the cups. You had to iron your bra before you could wear them. If you didn't it looked like you had something scrunched up under your shirt. We didn't have many clothing choices back then. We had a clothing allowance of $7.00 a month. You could save your clothing allowance until you had enough to buy something you wanted. It didn't happen often. We could go to certain stores downtown and put our clothing on a type of "layaway" for Webster Hall. It was very embarrassing to have to do that because the salesgirl usually didn't know about the special plan. She would have to get the manager and the manager would whisper in her ear that we were from the home and it was okay. One time I saved my own money so I could buy a pair of hose. They hadn't invented pantyhose yet so we bought stockings. One of my friends had given me her old garter belt because she had gotten a new one. I went to Woolworths and purchased my nylons. I could hardly wait to go to church the next day because I could finally wear nylons instead of socks. Imagine my disappointment when I realized they had seams up the back. No one wore seams anymore...once again I wore socks to church.

There was a man named, Frank Tenney, who wanted to help all of us out. He must have been a wealthy man but I don't know what he did for a living. Twice a year he would buy everyone of us a pair of shoes. Once a year he would bring each one of us a gigantic Sugar Daddy candy in a big box. He was so cool. One time he had all of us out to his home/farm for a cookout. That was something really rare for us. He had sons that took turns taking us on dirt bikes, hay rides, etc. I remember it was so much fun. I always wanted to be like him, to help make a memory for someone.

Christmastime was always strange for us too. It was the one time a year we were allowed to go into the formal living room. It was a large room, green I think, with an upright piano that no one used. We would have made a list of what we wanted for Christmas and one of the upstanding 'ladies clubs' would adopt us for the day. They would all come at once so they could watch us open our gifts. I guess they got some kind of gratification out of seeing our faces. What they didn't know is that we practiced acting surprised and grateful before they got there. It was such a farce. Christmas had always been such a fun time when we were little but not anymore. None of us ever got toys, it was always clothing. I don't even remember having toys in the home. We did finally get a donated bike once. It had to make do for 40 girls so I didn't get to ride it very often. I have always tried to have the perfect Christmas since then but I can never get it right, it still leaves me feeling empty when it is over.

We didn't even enjoy the simple things in life when I lived there. We didn't have toothpaste instead we used a mixture of salt and baking soda on our teeth. We never had dental visits unless there was a problem. One night, it was Friday the 13th, I was watching scary movies with one other girl. It was time for me to go to bed, when I got up to leave she tripped me. I felt face first on the tiled floor. Unfortunately, my front teeth went directly into the tile. I chipped both of my front teeth. I looked like a vampire for years after that. I was taken to the dentist the next day but I didn't get them fixed because it was too expensive. They filed the points down so I wouldn't cut my lip. I would be in my 30's before they were capped and made to look normal. We didn't have real shampoo either, it was a mixture of a concentrate of some kind mixed with water. It was so watery it wouldn't even make a lather. I saved my money to buy mine own when I got older. Being a young girl, for years I had to make do with what was available.

I was overweight even as a young girl. I weighed 9lb 5oz when I was born and continued to blossom from there. I have pictures of myself at the age of 5 and I was a chunk then too. I was not an attractive girl and I knew it. I had fanged teeth and fat thighs. I thought I was the biggest person alive. I think I was a size 14-16 in high school, I wish I was that size now! To a young girl it was hard to look like me. No one ever asked me out on a date. I didn't go to prom or any of the dances. I just hung out with my girlfriends. I was great to hang out with because next to me everyone looked skinny and pretty. My low self esteem probably started in junior high.

I went to Catholic school from 1st to 7th grade. I was well behaved for the most part because the nuns wouldn't let you get away with much. I was also the girl that hung out under the fire escape teaching the other kids dirty limericks. When I was in 6th grade I was given the honor of being a playground supervisor. I loved being in charge. There was one 1st grader that cried all of the time. I decided to teach her a lesson. I put her in the center of a circle of other children and had them make fun of her. I thought she just needed to toughen up a little. That just happened to be the day her mother came to visit the school. She was able to witness the whole show. I was in BIG trouble. She grabbed my arm an threaten to tell my mother what I had done. I pulled the 'go ahead my mother is dead card'!! It worked, she shut up but I lost my job on the playground. Now how embarrassing is that??

Going to Catholic school was an adventure all in itself. I remember in 3rd grade my step-mother made me wear a sleeveless dress to school. We weren't allowed to wear sleeves in case a boy might look in our arm holes and see our flat chest. My step-mother was adamant that I wear that dress because she had bought it for school. I was scared to go into the classroom. Sister Walegudaus saw me as soon as I entered the room. I could feel her eyes looking at my naked arms, I felt the hair on my arms stand up straight. She got out of her chair and grabbed my arm. She took me into the cloakroom and shut the door. It was hot outside so there were no sweaters or coats in there for me to cover my arms. She looked up at the window and grabbed the drape. She took the drape and wrapped it around my shoulders and made me wear it all day like a shawl. I was so embarrassed. Juanita was really mad about it but I never had to wear that dress to school again.

Going to Catholic school for so many years really did not prepare you for the real world. The home had been lenient with me for my 6th and 7th grades at St James. We were the only Catholics in the home. Everyone went to Four Square Church on Sundays except for us. We walked to church every Sunday. I am not sure why I was allowed to go to school there but I was. I have a feeling someone in the church must have paid my way. I don't know why I wasn't able to go my 8th grade year but I didn't attend St James that year. I finished my last year of junior high at John's Hill Jr High. I had never went to school with black people before. I was scared of them. I had heard horrid things about them and no one in the home was black. When we walked home from school we always walked in a group. We were afraid that they would bother us if we were alone. One time I got detention for something or another; but when it came time to stay after school I cried the whole time. The teacher felt sorry for me and let me out of detention. I ran all the way until I caught up with our group of girls. I was afraid they would beat me up if I was alone. I never got detention again my whole life.

Missing Mom...

(Dad, Linda, Janet, Me, and Mom)

The strangest thing I remember about Juanita is that she never touched us in a loving way. Never and hug, never a kiss, no praise, only spankings. I remember once I was very sick with a fever, I was sitting next to her on the couch, I leaned over and put my head on her lap and she stroked my hair. That was the only warmth I ever felt from her. How sad to treat a child like that, I can't even imagine not hugging a child. I think of how I would have felt toward three little girls that had lost their mother to cancer, how could you not love them?

Dad and Juanita were married about 6 years to best of my memory. I also remember that they separated every year of their marriage. She would move out with her children and all of their belongings. We would stay at the house and make do with whatever was left in the house. Those were the happiest times of our childhood. We laughed an played all the time. My dad would come home from work with a lunch bucket full of Staley balls for the neighbor kids. We loved to play jacks with those balls. The neighbor kids love it and so did we.

It seemed that every time Dad & Juanita broke up it was in the month of June. Linda's birthday was June 12th, so she never got to celebrate a happy birthday. Juanita would buy her a present (we had snooped around in the closet and found it) but she would return it. That was even worst then not getting anything. It was like having a carrot in front of you and then have it snatched away. I always felt sorry for her. Dad was fun back then, he would come outside at night and play hide and go seek with all the neighbor kids. It was great. He was still drinking but that was just part of life for us. He used to be a happy drunk. I can remember dancing with my feet on top of his in the kitchen sometimes.

Those happy times never lasted long, Dad & Juanita, always made up and everyone moved back in together. We were once again the red headed step-children. This happened every summer when they were married.

By the time I turned 11, things were getting worse at home. There was more and more arguing going on and the oldest kids had moved out. Sharon was still living with us. She was a trouble maker. She was always sneaking boys into her bedroom and smoking behind her mother's back. I'm sure her mother wouldn't have believed us if we had told on her. She dated an older man for a time, she was a teenager and he was around 50+ at the time. It was a big scandal. She finally moved out also. Later in life she ended up living in Detroit MI in a drug house. She had two mixed race children that I know about. I never saw her again after she moved away.

Juanita moved out for what I thought would be the last time. We were once again losing our home to the bank. We had to get out but we had no where to go. Dad couldn't stop drinking, but we always knew he loved us. The booze was stronger than him and he couldn't say no to it. I know he had tried AA meetings in his life but I am not sure at what point that was. I do know that it didn't work for him. My mother's family had heard of our situation and stepped in to see what could be done. The state was called in and dad lost custody of us, we were made Wards of the State. We had to go to court. They took Janet into a separate room and asked her some questions about our home life. I don't know what she said, but they took us out of Dad's house right then and there.

In July 1964, we moved into Webster Hall Girls Home. I would live there until I was 16 y/o. I remember how scared I was going through those big double doors. We were met by the supervisor, Mrs Mildred Pratt. She had a pasty complexion, stiff hair done in the shape of a bell with a hairnet covering it, just in case a stray hair were to escape. She wore orthopedic shoes that had textured soles that squeaked as her walked down the green tiled floors. It almost sounded like a flock of Canadian geese flying overhead when she was hurrying down the hall. I never saw her smile the whole time I lived there.

Janet was placed on the 4th floor, with the older girls. The girls each had a room with one roommate. The bathroom had stalls, but none of the stalls had doors on them. The door to that floor was locked so the younger girls couldn't go up there. Linda was put on the 3rd floor with the girls in junior high and high school. She slept in a dormitory of 12 girls. There was a couple of rooms that had 2 girls in them but you had to wait for a rotation to get one of those rooms. There was a housemother assigned to each floor. I was placed on the 2nd floor which was called the little kids floor. The age ranged from 5 to 12, they had a dormitory also. Unfortunately, when I arrived there wasn't enough beds for me. I had to make a pallet on the floor in the hallway to sleep at night for the first two weeks.

This was the first time in years I didn't fall asleep with my sisters in my room. I had never been away from them. We were not allowed to see each other except in the dining room. I cried all the time. Once again I was afraid. I think most of my childhood can be summed up as one full of fear. They felt sorry for me and gave me special permission to sit on the steps behind the locked door to the forbidden 4th floor and talk to Janet. She was like a mother to me. She would try to calm me down but I just couldn't stop crying. It was a hard time for all of us.

Life at the Girl's Home changed me forever. I finally realized that all the crying in the world wasn't going to make a difference so I stopped. I learned to adapt, to be strong, to stop feeling, to stop caring. Dad was one of the only parents that came to visit on Visiting Sundays. These were every other Sunday from 2-4 if you stayed on the grounds, or 1-5 if you had permission to go off the grounds. We usually got to go off grounds with dad. He always took us somewhere to eat lunch. I think the other girls were a little jealous that we still had a family that loved us. One thing we did all the time was to go to the mobile home sales lot. We would tour the homes and pick out which one we wanted to buy. We would go through catalogs and pick out all the things that we needed to furnish our 'new' home. Dad would fill out the order form and apply for credit to buy all of the things we needed. He of course, would be turned down because his credit was so bad. He was living in a rooming house, renting just a bedroom. He had lost a lot too, his home, his daughters and everything he loved. He fell back into the bottle and couldn't get out. Meanwhile, our lives continued living with 40 girls in a welfare home. Dad wanted so badly to put our lives back the way they were, he just couldn't do it. We knew he loved us.

Life in the home, was a lot like living in a military school. We had chores, schedules and lots of rules. There wasn't time for playing and no toys to play with. I did get to take one toy with me when I left home, it was my Barbie doll. I put her case with all her clothes in a special drawer that I shared with 2 other girls. I went to get her one day and she was gone. The case was there and all of her clothes but no doll. I never saw her again. I never tried to have anything for myself again. We had study hall Monday thru Thursday nights for 2 hours in the dining room. They hired two teachers to be there to help us with our homework and to tutor us. I did well in school at that time. It was embarrassing to go to school when you were from the home. We always had to pile out of a station wagon in front of the other kids. I didn't want anyone to know that I lived there. We got free lunches and books, but the whole class knew it. It was horrible. We weren't allowed to watch television accept for a few hours on the weekend. We had to all agree on the show we watched too, no fighting or no tv. I usually got my way because I was such a bully. We had many chores to do too. One of those was on Friday night everyone on the 3rd and 4th floors had to wax the dining room tables. One person would apply the yellow paste wax to the table and then the rest of us would follow with dry rags.. We would stand across from another girl with rags in our hands, we would push against each other wiping the wax away until the tables were shiny. We did this every Friday the entire time I lived there. Kitchen duty consisted of having a large tin can of hot water, scrub brush, Comet and a lot of elbow grease. We would go in shifts, first rinse, then scrub, then rinse again, the floors were always clean. We would make toast for everyone in the morning by lining up as many pieces of bread that would fit on the oven rack. We would then place it under the broiler and turn them one by one until toasted, then we would put melted butter on with a paintbrush. In the years that I lived there I never remember having eggs or bacon.

I really evolved into a different person during those years. I learned not to show my fear, to be a leader, not a follower. I learned that troublemakers got all the attention. I was developing into a teenager, one with and attitude. My teen years were sure to be troubled.

Life as a new family...

(The dresses and pinafores that Mom made for Me, Linda and Janet)

Janet and Linda shared a room in the basement. My other step-sister Sharon had a room to herself. She was about 12-13 when we became a blended family. Juanita's husband had also died, so we were house of 'orphaned' children. Janet, Linda and I huddled together often and cried. We missed our mother and our father was committed to his new family.

Dad was somehow able to get our house back on Riverside, but now we were a family of eight and we wouldn't fit into the 2 bedroom house. The house was remodeled and made much larger, another large bedroom was added in the basement. The basement became our new home. My sister's and I shared the room. It had a full size bed in each end of the room. Linda and Janet shared a bed and I had one to myself. Unfortunately, since I had the extra room in my bed my dad had to sleep with me when he was drunk. That happened more than I care to think about. He would fall asleep laying on me or pinning me against the concrete wall of the basement. I was scared, I was just a little girl. He would slobber on me and snore in my ear...those were sleepless nights for me. I would beg Juanita to not have him sleep with me...she would not listen.

Dad had built a bathroom for us in the basement also. It had a shower, toilet and sink, but the shower was never finished so we couldn't use it. I remember one time I sat on the sink and it came away from the wall. Dad was furious he use some kind of strap to tie it back into to place. It stayed that way for years, always a reminded of my mistake. The basement was also famous for big black water bugs. I hated them. There were bug guts all over the floor. The floor was red tile with white swirl marks through out, the walls were a light turquoise blue. We had metal wardrobes because he hadn't built closets in the rooms. We didn't have many clothes so it worked out fine for us.

On Saturdays we would play together exchanging holy cards from church like most people would exchange baseball cards. We played 'bus' on the steps, Janet was always the driver, Linda and I the passengers. We played house with blanket on the floor forming the walls of our home. We always played 'church' wearing blankets on our heads so we could be nuns or saints. We had religious statues on our dressers. Once I had a holy water fountain hanging on my wall by the door. I got holy water from church to fill it. I crossed myself every time I left my room hoping that God would protect me from Juanita. One day I came home from school and the holy water fountain had been taken down and I never saw it again. I knew better that to ask what happened to it. I was now on my own, I didn't think even God would be able to protect me now.

In the summer during the day we would get up early to clean the house. My step-sister's never had to help clean, just us. We cleaned every single day, but we weren't able to run the sweeper until they got up around noon. It was almost like living the life of Cinderella only there were three of us and no prince was looking for us! Once our chores were done and they were up for the day, we were locked outside to play until our parents came home. If we had to go to the bathroom we would ask to use the neighbors bathroom. The highlight our week was walking to the Bookmobile that parked at Eisner's. We loved to read it was our escape. I used to get yelled at for sitting under a shade tree reading my books. Juanita wanted me to be more active and run and play with the other kids. I have always said I was born lazy!

I remember always being hungry when we lived with them. When you have to feed 8 people there are not leftovers. Juanita was a good cook and made the best sweet tea ever. I know she used a cup of sugar per pitcher of tea. She was also diabetic and had only one kidney. She would have to go have dialysis from time to time. It was always scary it me, I thought she would die like my mom did. We had to go to bed very early at night even in the summer months. I had to go to bed at 7:15, Janet & Linda got to stay up a little later. It was always daylight when we went to bed. The neighbor kids would all come to the basement window to talk to us. After things quieted down we would take turns sneaking up to the kitchen to steal bread to eat in bed. It was scary when it was my turn. I feel like it was a scene out of Mission Impossible. We knew what side of the steps creaked so we knew just how to shift our weight to avoid making noise. Once in the kitchen you had to move very slowly breathing as lightly as possible so no one in the living room could hear you. The rooms were attached so it was just a matter of a wall separating us. The bread was in the bottom drawer. You had to inch the drawer open very slowly sneaking your hand in grabbing as much bread as one hand could grasp. We never got caught which is utterly amazing. I wonder what they thought was happening to all the bread. When we made it back down the stairs with our booty...we would all sit together on one bed and divide it amongst ourselves. We tore off the crust eating it first and then rolled the soft into a ball for gourmet dining. This was a very normal thing for us, we did it often. Sometimes after school when we got home before the older kids we would scour the cabinets looking for any food that wouldn't be missed. It was usually butter and syrup on a plate...no bread this time. We ate it by the spoonfuls and cleaned up our mess before we were ever discovered.

Dad had started drinking heavily again. We were alone with the other family most of the time. We were always in trouble. Juanita especially didn't like Janet. Janet was the oldest and she was very protective of us. She was like a mother lioness protecting her cubs. She had a mouth on her that usually got her punished the most. Juanita's favorite weapon was the plastic and wire fly swatter. She slapped us on our legs leaving welts from the metal part. It was so painful. We tried so hard to be good but nothing worked, everything set her off. She must have been overwhelmed herself. She had lost a good of husband of many years to now be married to the town drunk with three little girls. We knew that if it was payday usually Friday's it was going to be a bad night. Dad stopped by the tavern to cash his check and that turned into an all nighter. I remember one night all we had to eat was a can of peas. I choked back the tears trying to eat my peas while she told us what an asshole my dad was...I loved him.

He would come home and sometimes he would come downstairs to see us. It would be just the four of us crying. He would tell us that he loved us and it would be alright. Later he would go upstairs and the fighting would begin. Dad would end up pulling the phone out of the wall so we couldn't call the police. Juanita would make us go to the neighbors house to use the phone. Dad would get in the car and hide in the St Mary's parking lot so the police couldn't find him. This was 'normal' to us. We thought everyone lived like we did.

Life after mom...

(Me on my 5th birthday, right before Mom died)

I was kind of excited to think that I would have a new mother in my life. I knew how much my mother had loved me so I thought Juanita would just continue on in mom's footsteps. I was very wrong. It is hard to look at that period of life as a child only, I can also see it from the perspective of an adult. I think Dad married her to have someone to raise his little girls and I think she married him thinking he would pay her bills. I think they were both surprised at how it turned out.

Dad had lost our little home on Riverside, probably foreclosure due to medical bills. I am not sure of this but this is the adult in me thinking. When they first married we lived in rental homes. The one that I remember the best was on Wood St. It was a big house with a big front porch and a big propane tank in the back yard. We used to play on the tank, pretending it was our horse. I shared a room with my step-sister Brenda. She was very nice to me, although she was 9 yrs older than me. My step-brother Jerry Hildebrand, was 10 yrs older and had his own room. He was very 'hip' to me. He even appeared on a local televised dance show (like American Bandstand) once. He was like a movie star to me. He had a cool car and would take us to school once in awhile. I was so proud to be is little sister. He later in life became a semi professional golfer. Brenda became a nurse. She married Dean Ashby and together they owned a local restaurant named The House of Plenty. We spent many hours there cleaning it before they reopened it. They never had children and divorced later in life. It turns out that Brenda was a lesbian and found a life partner. They opened a furniture store together in a different state. I would imagine Juanita was very disappointed in her decision to live her life with another woman. Juanita also had a brother, my Uncle Hank, that was gay but it was never discussed.

Finally the Book

(Janet, Mom, Me and Linda)

I will just start at the beginning telling what I know, what I think I remember and go from there.

My dad, James Cylouis Layton, was born in Arkansas on December 13, 1914 (12-13-14). He was the oldest of six children. His mother died when he was a child, I am not sure what his age was. He father remarried and he also had step siblings. He told us that he had to quit school in the 6th grade to help take care of the family. I don't know what the circumstances were but I believe they were very poor. He was a handsome man with black curly hair. I think of him as a ladies man and a drinker. He was in WWII in the Army. I don't know how or where he meant my mother but I do know that they married late in their lives. The were married in 1948, he was in his mid 30's and mother was in her early 30's. That must have seemed unusual back in that time.

My mother, Delores Francis Keck, was born in Decatur, IL and was one of seven children. She was born in to a very Catholic family setting. My dad was also Catholic, but they came from the morning hard drinking Catholic side. My mom seemed have lots of friends and I have seen many pictures of her laughing and having a good time. I have been told she was a very artistic person, I don't know what her art was but I am sure she was described as creative. I hear that all the time about myself. I like being compared to her. I think I got my dad's ability to make friends and talk to anyone. I am the party planner in the family and so was he. Unfortunately, I also got his attraction to liquor for a period in my life. It came me the confidence that I lacked in my sober state.

After my parents married, they bought a little home in Decatur on Riverside St. The homes were all cookie cutter house, brick, two bedroom , and one bath bungalows. They were built for the servicemen after the war was over. My dad was employed by A E Staley as a civil engineer. I don't know if he was actually a civil engineer because he had no formal education. My mother was a secretary for a company in Decatur until their first child was born. Janet Kay, was born October 30, 1948, just nine months after their wedding. Mom became a stay at home from that point on in her life. Their second daughter, Linda Ann was born June 12, 1950. In 1953, I was born, yet another daughter, Kathleen Ann, on May 5th. I sometimes wonder if that was a disappointment to Dad. Did he ever want a son? Did he ever want children let alone three? Some questions will always remain unanswered because my parents are both deceased.

Our childhood seemed normal enough but was probably dysfunctional even then. Dad went to work everyday and mom stayed home with us. She made all of our clothes, mostly dresses because that what little girls wore back in the day. I remember trying on flannel pajama's and loving the feel of the material next my skin. Although I was very little I have loving thoughts of my mother. I am not sure exactly when she was diagnosed with breast cancer but she was sick for most of my life. My mother's family didn't like my father very much, I am not sure why but I would assume it had to do with his drinking. I have heard rumors that he was rough with her sometimes but I don't know that for a fact. They believed that he had hit her in her breast causing the lump that turned into cancer. Now as an adult I know that in no way could that cause cancer, but I am sure they had their reasons for these thoughts. If she had been my sister maybe I would have felt the same way.

Mom spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. She eventually was home with me in the daytime while my sisters were at school. I can remember the visiting nurses would come to the house to change her bandages. It was a mystery to me what they would do when they went in the bedroom. I would sit in a big chair in the living room and sing songs to myself so I wasn't afraid. After the nurse would leave I would crawl into to bed with mom and lay with her. I remember the smells of the ointments they use to dress her wounds. It was a comfort to me to lay with her. I still remember her wearing dresses around the house, never pants. She would wear white socks with sandals too. How funny to remember such silly things. The last year of her life she spend in St Mary's hospital. We were too young to visit her in the hospital. The hospital was next door to St James Catholic Church, so on Sundays we would stand outside on the sidewalk so she could see us. When she could she would stand at the window and wave to us. It was like looking at an angel watching over us.

She died when I was 5, Linda was 8, and Janet was 10 years old. I still remember the night she died. Dad came home and took Janet out on the porch to tell her. I stood watching from the living room window, I saw her cry, I knew something was wrong. She came in the living room and she told Linda and me. We all cried and cried. My dad cried too. Her funeral was at J J Moran funeral home. She was on the 2nd floor, I remember someone lifted me up to kiss her goodbye. I screamed, I was afraid, I was a little girl. She was wearing a pink dress with little rhinestones around the neck. I suppose she was beautiful. She was my mom and I didn't understand.

The months that followed were chaotic. Dad had three little girls to raise and it must have been overwhelming to him. It is no wonder why he turned to alcohol to help him cope. He hired many housekeeper/babysitters to watch us while he worked. Many didn't last long because he had a tendency to stop for a drink after work and would forget his responsibilities awaiting him at home. The women had their own families to go home to so we had quite a turnover for awhile. My sisters were in school so they didn't need childcare during the day. I was only 5, so I went to Kindergarten only part of the day. My teacher was Mrs Young, she spent most of her day holding me on her lap while trying to teach the other kids. She always had lipstick on her teeth. It probably was too much for her. Soon I was headed to Centraila IL to live with my Aunt Clara and Uncle Bill. I didn't know them very well and I was scared to stay when my sisters drove off with my dad. I cried all the time, I wanted my mom and I wanted my sisters back. It was too hard for me to go to Kindergarten so I didn't attend school while I lived there. I am not sure what happened but soon I was on my way to live with my Aunt Effie and Uncle Ockie, in
Ste. Genevieve MO. I loved them and I did much better at their home. I attended Catholic School for the rest of my Kindergarten year. I was the May queen that year, Aunt Effie made me a beautiful blue satin dress to wear. I walked down the aisle of the church carrying a crown for the Blessed Virgin Mary. I felt like a bride, it was a wonderful memory for a very sad time in my life. I was a light in their life because they were unable to have children. My happiness was to be short lived though. They wanted to adopt me but my dad wouldn't hear of it.

The summer after mom died Dad remarried. His new wife, my step-mother, was Juanita. She had three children that were teenagers. Dad and Juanita came to Ste. Genevieve to take me back to Decatur to start my new life. I still remember how broken hearted I was to leave my happy home. I watched out the back window as we drove away from their home crying the whole way.