Starting a new life

I was awarded custody of the girls and Frank was ordered to pay child support of $35 per week per child a total of $70.00. He was fine with the arrangements at first. He loved the girls and missed them desperately. At first he did visit with them at the appointed time per the court. I was happy for him to take the girls anytime he wanted them. I wanted him to be their daddy, to be in their lives. He told me how hard it was to leave them when his visitation was over. I knew it was and I also knew that it would have been impossible for me for not have them in my life everyday. We did both love the girls unconditionally. We even loved each other but not enough to make a life together.

Frank seemed to go on with his life and he seemed be blooming into a new person. After the divorce I had a rough time adjusting to my new life. I was living in a new place and sleeping on a broken couch. My dining room chairs were held together with wire and wiggled when we sat in them. Frank was still living in our house waiting for the sale to go through. He was busy furnishing his mobile home. His new car had arrived and he was living the life of the perfect bachelor. I was lonely and miserable, what had I done to myself and my children?

Finally the sale of the house went through, we were able to get completely out of debt and start fresh. Frank had perfect credit...I had none. Nothing had been in my name, everything was a joint account. It didn't matter that I had paid the bills and maintained the household budget. I had not held a job for almost 7 years...I was nothing in the world of credit. I couldn't even be a member of the Mueller Credit Union anymore! I felt like a third class citizen. I was angry but it didn't matter. I had to rebuild my life, my credit, my banking account. It wasn't right, it was fair...but no one said life is fair.

I was working steady now and taking the girls to a daycare. The lady I had hired was about my age. She and I would visit after work while the kids played. She and I became friends, it was nice to have a girlfriend to talk to. I had missed that for many years. Unfortunately, our friendship didn't last long. I found out that she and her husband had an 'open' marriage and they were swingers. She asked me to sleep with her husband. Being the polite person I was I thanked her for considering me but declined the offer. It was very hard to take the girls to her house after that, but I had no other options. My visits after work stopped and I lost the one friend that I had. I began a search for a new sitter but couldn't find one for a long time.

My sister and her husband owned a small 2 bedroom house not far from my duplex. It was in the same school district that Jennifer attended. The rent was more than what I was currently paying but I could rent out the garage for $40 a month for storage to a friend. I was excited. I would live in a house again. I would be able to hook up my washer and dryer and do laundry at home again. I was thrilled. I moved into my new home and life started to look brighter.

Frank had moved to his new home but our king sized bed wouldn't fit in his bedroom, so he gave it to me. I finally could sleep in a real bed again. I still wasn't able to get the 'click' couch to sit in an upright position so someone gave me one they were going to throw away. It was bright orange, red and yellow striped velour. I was thrilled to have it! My sister, Janet, gave me a green vinyl rocker to complete my new living room set. I had rust color shag carpet that I had laid myself and a real fireplace! Wow, my life was going to be great!

Frank had quit visiting with the girls. I was surprised by that decision. He told me it hurt him to much to not see them all the time. It was easier for him to pretend they didn't exist. I really think he meant what he said. I knew he loved them and I knew he missed them. I didn't think he would actually stop seeing them altogether though. I didn't care that he wasn't going to be a part of our lives anymore...I wanted to move on. He wasn't a part of the equation.

One day I was outside and an older lady came up to me and introduced herself to me. She was a member of St James Catholic Church and had known my mother when I was little. I had went to school with her daughter when we were little. She told me that she did daycare in her home. She asked if she could watch my girls. She lived around the corner from us, within walking distance. She was also $5 per week cheaper. I felt like God had intervened to help me get my girls out of that crazy daycare they were in. I was dancing in the clouds. Finally my kids would be in a good Catholic home, with a large Catholic family. I could feel safe again. She also offered to keep the girls overnight for only $10 additional if I ever wanted a weekend night to myself.

It is funny how trusting we were in those days. I didn't even check out any references for the new sitter. I never toured her house, never asked what they did or what they ate. I relied totally on the fact that they were a good Catholic family, that had known my mother. The father was well known in Decatur and not only had his own business but ran for public office. I was asked not to show up unannounced because they had a bull dog that only liked the children, not the adults. The dog was mean and had to be contained, I believed them...I needed to believe them.

The girls stayed there for 5 years while I continued to work. I began taking advantage of the overnight stays so that I could go out with my friends. There were times when the girls would cry and beg me not to make them spend the night but I ignored them. I thought that they were just trying to get me to stay home. I had no one to help me with the girls, because Frank didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I wanted time to just be me, not mom, just 'me' for a little while. I regret not listening....I regret it...I regret it. It wasn't until many, many years later that I found out that on those nights when I was out having fun, my daughter was being molested by the older boys in the family...the good Catholic family....the family I trusted with my precious children. By the time I found out it was too late to pursue the matter. I had let my children fall in harms way and I didn't even see it.