I don't think I even realized I was having an affair at first. I thought it was playful, sexual flirtation. Innocent in a sense. Crazy thinking but I know longer let my good sense guide me. I walked carefree through this part of my life not feeling the need to answer to anyone or anything. I was angry at the world. I was struggling to pay my bills to raise my children alone. I felt like it was me against the world. My sisters were distant, one lived in Kansas City and the other lived in Mt Zion but had little contact with me. I had no weekends off...no grandparents for my children...no one.
Mike was my escape. He made me feel wanted and pretty. He had so much to lose by seeing me but he did it anyway. I didn't think I had any feelings for him emotionally only physically. Now when I look back on that time I think I needed him too. He wasn't an ideal mate or father figure for my children so I didn't give it much thought past the physical aspect of things. I don't think I could deal with my true feelings.
I continued to be friends with Janet during the day. I would ask her what she and Mike had done the night before knowing all along he had been with me. She would tell me he had been out listening to his brother's band playing at different bars around town. I knew he wasn't there the whole time because after the kids went to sleep he would come over to my house. It was wrong, so very, very wrong, so shameful. I would ask Janet why she would put up with that crap. She never had an answer. (I think to her it was probably a relief because she had time for her affair too.)
I have heard many couples break up after the loss of a child and I think that was the driving force behind their breakup. I don't think Mike would have cheated with anyone had there been any hope of a good relationship with her. He was a decent, hard working man but he didn't want to be in a loveless marriage. I think he starting caring deeply for me. He didn't intend for that to happen either. Loving words were never exchanged between us but it was there, unspoken, but there despite the silence.
I became conflicted inside, after time. How could I do this to my friend? How could anyone? I started going to church again. The Catholic church, because it was the only religion I knew. I would get the girls up early in the morning and we would go to church before school each day. It was a very small group of church goers so we were allowed to go up to the altar and stand with the priest. It was an honor as most Catholic's have never stepped foot at the altar. Eventhough I was struggling inside I continued to see Mike. He was my drug...
It was now 1982, and I had been divorced for 4 years. I was still bitter, still struggling to make ends meet. It was summer and the girls and I went to Kansas City to spend vacation with my sister. We always had a great time in Kansas City. Linda always found inexpensive ways to entertain us. We would pack picnic lunches and take the kids to the mall or to the park. We would go to Worlds of Fun or the water park at least once. I loved Kansas City.
My sister and her husband sat me down while I was visiting and talked to me about moving to Kansas City. They felt that there were far more oppurtunities for work out there. I had always been afraid to leave to Decatur because it was my home, all I had ever known. Kansas City was like going to the jungle to me. There were highways everywhere, it took forever to get anywhere. I didn't think I could do it. Linda and Bob made it easy. They offered to let us stay with them until I found a job and a place to live. For the first time in my life I really considered actually doing it.
By the time I went home I had made up my mind to move. I could not stop seeing Mike. I had to quit seeing him before I hurt Janet. I loved her and I did not ever want to hurt her. I needed to make a clean break, no tapering off, done, over with, finito!!
It seemed like the best solution for all of us. Stephanie was getting ready to start kindergarten at Washington School, she would be a minority. I was really worried about that. I felt like there were so many negatives things in Decatur, so much pain. I was mustered up lots and lots of courage and I decided, YES, it was time to move, time to change. I had to go full steam ahead, no looking back only moving forward. I was so scared but it didn't matter I had to do something to change my life, to end this affair.
On Monday I went into work and gave my 2 weeks notice...there it was done. No going back now I was committed, determined, and frighten.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Betrayal
When Janet finally came back to work, she was different. She was no longer full of joy and laughter. There was a sadness about her that everyone saw but no one talked about. After time, Janet began confiding in me that their marriage wasn't what it seemed. She didn't like having sex with Mike anymore and it was becoming a problem. I look back at this part of my life and the shame consumes me. I don't know how my mind started playing tricks on me but I started thinking strange things while I listened to her. Here she was not interested in having sex with her husband and that was the one thing that I was good at in life. In my mind it all made sense...
I found myself drawn to Mike. We had gotten to know each other better during and after the loss of the baby. It was like a sign suddenly appeared over his head stating that he was available. We started mutually flirting with each other. I think he appreciated the attention from me as much as I did him. What could it hurt? I didn't want to take him away from her...I just wanted to have sex with him. Who could possibly get hurt? She would never have to know. It seemed perfect...in my mind.
I don't remember how it started, I don't remember our first kiss, our first touch. It just seemed to happen. It was so secret, so daring, so wrong, so wonderful. At first it was just stolen kisses and private glances. We even kissed in front of Janet and she just laughed it off. I needed her to grab me by my hair and snatch me off his lap. She needed to tell to back off her husband, but she didn't. I didn't know why back then, later I found out she was having an affair with someone in her acting troupe! It still didn't make it right.
Mike started walking me out to my car from the Limelight bar. It was dark and he didn't want me walking out there alone. Or at least that is what we told everyone. We shared many stolen kisses out there in the dark. It was hard to leave each other. I don't think either of us wanted to cross the line to having sex. Janet had to have known what was going on but she never came outside to check on us. In a way I think she probably wanted out of the marriage and had stopped caring. It still didn't make it right.
The night finally came when we crossed the line. It was exciting, more exciting than anything I had ever experienced. We became addicted to each other. We took chances all the time to be together even when she was in the next room. It was a wild time in my life. I continued to see other men that always turned out to be one night stands. I didn't care, I wasn't married, I wasn't doing wrong. I continued to tell myself those lies so I could look in the mirror.
I found myself drawn to Mike. We had gotten to know each other better during and after the loss of the baby. It was like a sign suddenly appeared over his head stating that he was available. We started mutually flirting with each other. I think he appreciated the attention from me as much as I did him. What could it hurt? I didn't want to take him away from her...I just wanted to have sex with him. Who could possibly get hurt? She would never have to know. It seemed perfect...in my mind.
I don't remember how it started, I don't remember our first kiss, our first touch. It just seemed to happen. It was so secret, so daring, so wrong, so wonderful. At first it was just stolen kisses and private glances. We even kissed in front of Janet and she just laughed it off. I needed her to grab me by my hair and snatch me off his lap. She needed to tell to back off her husband, but she didn't. I didn't know why back then, later I found out she was having an affair with someone in her acting troupe! It still didn't make it right.
Mike started walking me out to my car from the Limelight bar. It was dark and he didn't want me walking out there alone. Or at least that is what we told everyone. We shared many stolen kisses out there in the dark. It was hard to leave each other. I don't think either of us wanted to cross the line to having sex. Janet had to have known what was going on but she never came outside to check on us. In a way I think she probably wanted out of the marriage and had stopped caring. It still didn't make it right.
The night finally came when we crossed the line. It was exciting, more exciting than anything I had ever experienced. We became addicted to each other. We took chances all the time to be together even when she was in the next room. It was a wild time in my life. I continued to see other men that always turned out to be one night stands. I didn't care, I wasn't married, I wasn't doing wrong. I continued to tell myself those lies so I could look in the mirror.
Best Friends
Janet and I worked together at Northtown Bank. We became friends right away. We took breaks together and had lunch together almost everyday for many years. We shared everything. She told me all about her life and her with her husband, Mike.
I thought Janet & Mike had a great relationship. They were one of the couples that I partied with on the weekends. We were wild and crazy. Mike and Janet both lead seperate lives but seemed meet in the middle. I liked that. She was always free to do girl things with me or to spend time with me and my girls. She even baked a birthday cake for them on their birthdays. She was wonderful, everyone liked her. I thought she was so funny. I didn't really like Mike much at all. I couldn't see what she saw in him but they seemed to be happy.
Mike was a really big guy, tall, around 6'6" to be exact. He wore really strange clothes and colored Converse high top tennis shoes. His hair was long and wild. He had a big, bushy beard and he was scary looking. My girls were afraid of him at first. He used to use a fork to comb his mustache, not appealing at all. We spent a lot of time at their house. We had cookouts on the weekends and their friends became my friends. Hardly a weekend went by that we weren't all together.
One day while at morning break with Janet and friends, she annouced that she was pregnant. I was hurt because she hadn't told me first. I remember feeling upset but I don't know why it bothered me. I was kind of angry in a way because I thought she and Mike weren't getting along. I wondered if this might bring them closer together. I couldn't imagine Mike as a father.
I went through the pregnacy with her, sharing clothes and throwing a baby shower for her. I was excited as her baby grew inside her. Toward the end of the pregancy when she was 8 1/2 monthes I noticed she looked very pale. She told me she didn't feel very good and was going to the doctor that afternoon. Later that day I got a call telling me that the baby was to be still born. I left work immediately and went to the hospital to be with her. We cried together and tried to comfort each other but there are no words of comfort for that type of situtation. Janet was induced and had to go through labor and then deliver the baby. Mike and I took turns staying with her while she prepared to deliver her dead child. It was gut wrenching.
When the baby was delivered she was named Margaret Kathleen. Margaret for Janet's grandmother and Kathleen for me. I was deeply touched. I heartbroken, my friend had lost her child. On the day of the funeral, Mike carried Margaret in a little white coffin no bigger than an ice chest. He walked bravely to her gravesite to lay her to rest. I cried harder than anyone, Janet was in shock. It took her years to recover if she ever really did.
I thought Janet & Mike had a great relationship. They were one of the couples that I partied with on the weekends. We were wild and crazy. Mike and Janet both lead seperate lives but seemed meet in the middle. I liked that. She was always free to do girl things with me or to spend time with me and my girls. She even baked a birthday cake for them on their birthdays. She was wonderful, everyone liked her. I thought she was so funny. I didn't really like Mike much at all. I couldn't see what she saw in him but they seemed to be happy.
Mike was a really big guy, tall, around 6'6" to be exact. He wore really strange clothes and colored Converse high top tennis shoes. His hair was long and wild. He had a big, bushy beard and he was scary looking. My girls were afraid of him at first. He used to use a fork to comb his mustache, not appealing at all. We spent a lot of time at their house. We had cookouts on the weekends and their friends became my friends. Hardly a weekend went by that we weren't all together.
One day while at morning break with Janet and friends, she annouced that she was pregnant. I was hurt because she hadn't told me first. I remember feeling upset but I don't know why it bothered me. I was kind of angry in a way because I thought she and Mike weren't getting along. I wondered if this might bring them closer together. I couldn't imagine Mike as a father.
I went through the pregnacy with her, sharing clothes and throwing a baby shower for her. I was excited as her baby grew inside her. Toward the end of the pregancy when she was 8 1/2 monthes I noticed she looked very pale. She told me she didn't feel very good and was going to the doctor that afternoon. Later that day I got a call telling me that the baby was to be still born. I left work immediately and went to the hospital to be with her. We cried together and tried to comfort each other but there are no words of comfort for that type of situtation. Janet was induced and had to go through labor and then deliver the baby. Mike and I took turns staying with her while she prepared to deliver her dead child. It was gut wrenching.
When the baby was delivered she was named Margaret Kathleen. Margaret for Janet's grandmother and Kathleen for me. I was deeply touched. I heartbroken, my friend had lost her child. On the day of the funeral, Mike carried Margaret in a little white coffin no bigger than an ice chest. He walked bravely to her gravesite to lay her to rest. I cried harder than anyone, Janet was in shock. It took her years to recover if she ever really did.
Losing myself
I don't remember how things changed on a day to day basis but I changed after Frank married Gloria. I felt vindictive to everyone especially men. I felt no shame. I felt that it was time for me to do all the things I had never done. I wanted to go drinking and dancing and screwing anyone and everyone. I started to take better care of myself, to lose weight to throw out my homemade polyester pantsuits. It took time but I had time, lots of time.
I have many, many regrets that would encompass the next 20 years. I wasn't the kind of mother I was proud of anymore. I felt like the girls were too much sometimes. I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I shipped the kids off to the babysitter overnight for $10.00 whenever I had the extra money. I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be. I didn't go to PTA meetings at school. I didn't take off work to attend school functions, I treated my daughters the way my dad and treated me. I turned out okay surely they would too.
I started to hang out with friends and go to the bars. I started drinking heavily so that I could get drunk. If I was drunk I could use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do without guilt. I started sleeping with strangers that I met in my drunken stupor. I thought that if someone was willing to have sex with me then I must be pretty, I must be desireable. It wasn't until the next day that reality would hit me square in the face....I wasn't pretty, I was a slut. It didn't stop me though, I continued with a vengance. I wanted to keep a scorecard to prove to myself that I was wanted. I wanted Frank to know, but he never did. He had moved on, he was happy, I was wallowing in self pity.
I wish I didn't remember the bad things, the scarey things that I did. Some things, most things are still playing in the recesses of my mind. I am ashamed of those things but I wasn't then. I was trying to be someone different. It was like the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I was one person during the day and another on the weekends. I lived a double life. It didn't matter to me who I hurt along the way. I didn't care if the guy was married or not. I didn't want to take him away from his family I just wanted him for the night, or so I told myself. I wasn't married why should I feel bad? The guy would have cheated anyway, why not with me?
My conquests were many and each had a story. Some were funny, once in awhile some were even a bit scary. I put myself in dangerous situations and sometimes my own children could have been in harms way but I was putting my needs and desires first. So much regret, so many mistakes. So many times I wished I could go back and change the past.
I have many, many regrets that would encompass the next 20 years. I wasn't the kind of mother I was proud of anymore. I felt like the girls were too much sometimes. I wanted to be young and carefree like my friends. I shipped the kids off to the babysitter overnight for $10.00 whenever I had the extra money. I wasn't the kind of mother I wanted to be. I didn't go to PTA meetings at school. I didn't take off work to attend school functions, I treated my daughters the way my dad and treated me. I turned out okay surely they would too.
I started to hang out with friends and go to the bars. I started drinking heavily so that I could get drunk. If I was drunk I could use that as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do without guilt. I started sleeping with strangers that I met in my drunken stupor. I thought that if someone was willing to have sex with me then I must be pretty, I must be desireable. It wasn't until the next day that reality would hit me square in the face....I wasn't pretty, I was a slut. It didn't stop me though, I continued with a vengance. I wanted to keep a scorecard to prove to myself that I was wanted. I wanted Frank to know, but he never did. He had moved on, he was happy, I was wallowing in self pity.
I wish I didn't remember the bad things, the scarey things that I did. Some things, most things are still playing in the recesses of my mind. I am ashamed of those things but I wasn't then. I was trying to be someone different. It was like the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I was one person during the day and another on the weekends. I lived a double life. It didn't matter to me who I hurt along the way. I didn't care if the guy was married or not. I didn't want to take him away from his family I just wanted him for the night, or so I told myself. I wasn't married why should I feel bad? The guy would have cheated anyway, why not with me?
My conquests were many and each had a story. Some were funny, once in awhile some were even a bit scary. I put myself in dangerous situations and sometimes my own children could have been in harms way but I was putting my needs and desires first. So much regret, so many mistakes. So many times I wished I could go back and change the past.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
More pain and disappointment...
I was working at Northtown Bank in the bookkeeping department. I was learning how to be part of the working world and I loved it. I was promoted to Customer Service after a year. I was worried about working with the public because myself confidence was so low. What I found out was that I liked working with the public. I was good with people, really good. I balanced checkbooks for people that were having problems. I loved helping them and finding the mistakes. I learned that the banks rarely, rarely make mistakes. I also learned to hold my tongue when customers yelled at me, saying the bank was stealing their money. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I balanced their checkbook and got the privilege of showing them their mistakes. It became a game to me. I loved working at the bank.
I had lots of friends at work. Frank was wrong people liked me, they even thought I was funny! Wow! How cool was that? People wanted to eat lunch with me and shop with me. We had a group of friends that even went out dancing at night. I spent a lot of weekends dancing. I wasn't a good dancer but I loved dancing. The more I drank, the better I danced! I was the girl that everyone laughed at because I thought I could dance to "Rocky Top." I must have looked like a fool but I didn't care, it was all in fun.
Surprisingly enough, Frank, came back into my life. He had been dating Gloria for a few months but he he realized he wanted to be with us again. He told me she was crazy and he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, they were done. He wanted to do whatever it took to make me happy, to get our lives back on track, to be a family. I missed him too, I was different. I was the person he had married many years before. I was fun and confident. We started seeing each other on the weekends for real dates. He bought me a birthday gift for the first time that didn't have anything to do with cleaning the house! I pair of black high heels for work. We went to many nice places for dinner and had a really good time. I thought we were getting back together. I was happy.
I had a work schedule that was from Tuesday through Saturday. I remember it was on a Monday afternoon. I was at home in my nightgown, cleaning the kitchen. I was doing all the heavy duty stuff like cleaning under the refrigerator when I heard someone knock at the door. I was sweaty, smelly, and covered in dust. I felt the panic of knowing someone was watching me through the glass front door. I looked up between pieces of my fallen hair. It was Frank at the door. I was really surprised because he should have been at work that day. I was happy to see him though. I pushed my hair out of the way and went to the door. I apologized for my appearance but when I looked at him I knew something was wrong. I asked him what he wasn't doing there on a Monday.
He told me he had to talk to me. I thought maybe he was going to ask me to marry him or move in with him or something. I was wrong, very wrong.
He told me that Gloria had spoken with him and told him that she was pregnant from when they had been dating. He told me that he was going to marry her and raise the baby. I hear the words and I could see his mouth moving but I felt removed from the situation. I stood there looking at him not believing what I was hearing. I said, "but you said she was crazy and you didn't want to be with her. You want to be with me." I was almost pleading with him to remember his words. He was doing the stand up thing, the right thing. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. He turned to leave, he didn't look back, he just left. I didn't see him again for a very long time. He did indeed marry Gloria. She forbid him from seeing the girls because that meant that he would see me.
I couldn't believe that I had started to open my heart to Frank and he left me. It was easier when I did it to him, now the shoe was on the other foot for me. It was awful. I don't remember ever feeling that low that hurt. I made up my mind then and there that no one would ever get the chance to hurt me like that again. I would never marry, never love anyone again. My heart harden that day and stayed hard for many years.
I had lots of friends at work. Frank was wrong people liked me, they even thought I was funny! Wow! How cool was that? People wanted to eat lunch with me and shop with me. We had a group of friends that even went out dancing at night. I spent a lot of weekends dancing. I wasn't a good dancer but I loved dancing. The more I drank, the better I danced! I was the girl that everyone laughed at because I thought I could dance to "Rocky Top." I must have looked like a fool but I didn't care, it was all in fun.
Surprisingly enough, Frank, came back into my life. He had been dating Gloria for a few months but he he realized he wanted to be with us again. He told me she was crazy and he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, they were done. He wanted to do whatever it took to make me happy, to get our lives back on track, to be a family. I missed him too, I was different. I was the person he had married many years before. I was fun and confident. We started seeing each other on the weekends for real dates. He bought me a birthday gift for the first time that didn't have anything to do with cleaning the house! I pair of black high heels for work. We went to many nice places for dinner and had a really good time. I thought we were getting back together. I was happy.
I had a work schedule that was from Tuesday through Saturday. I remember it was on a Monday afternoon. I was at home in my nightgown, cleaning the kitchen. I was doing all the heavy duty stuff like cleaning under the refrigerator when I heard someone knock at the door. I was sweaty, smelly, and covered in dust. I felt the panic of knowing someone was watching me through the glass front door. I looked up between pieces of my fallen hair. It was Frank at the door. I was really surprised because he should have been at work that day. I was happy to see him though. I pushed my hair out of the way and went to the door. I apologized for my appearance but when I looked at him I knew something was wrong. I asked him what he wasn't doing there on a Monday.
He told me he had to talk to me. I thought maybe he was going to ask me to marry him or move in with him or something. I was wrong, very wrong.
He told me that Gloria had spoken with him and told him that she was pregnant from when they had been dating. He told me that he was going to marry her and raise the baby. I hear the words and I could see his mouth moving but I felt removed from the situation. I stood there looking at him not believing what I was hearing. I said, "but you said she was crazy and you didn't want to be with her. You want to be with me." I was almost pleading with him to remember his words. He was doing the stand up thing, the right thing. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. He turned to leave, he didn't look back, he just left. I didn't see him again for a very long time. He did indeed marry Gloria. She forbid him from seeing the girls because that meant that he would see me.
I couldn't believe that I had started to open my heart to Frank and he left me. It was easier when I did it to him, now the shoe was on the other foot for me. It was awful. I don't remember ever feeling that low that hurt. I made up my mind then and there that no one would ever get the chance to hurt me like that again. I would never marry, never love anyone again. My heart harden that day and stayed hard for many years.
7 Stages of Divorce
I have read that there are 7 stages in a divorce...Breakdown, Shock, Anger, Pain, Hatred, Grief, and Acceptance. I believe it. A lot of my stages occurred during the latter part of my marriage, long before I actually divorced. I was disassociating with Frank long before I left. My life as a single mom was new everyday. I had no script to follow, I learned to wing it. I missed my old life of comfort, not having to worry where I would get the money for groceries or bills. Frank had always been a good provider. There were many things about him that I loved and missed. I just didn't love him enough or me either for that matter.
I had to learn to grocery shop in a different manner too. I could only afford the generic brand of food. Everything we had in our cupboards was wrapped in a white label with black lettering. The green beans always had part of the stalk in the can, it was gross and I hated it. I wanted to have Del Monte in my cupboard again. I wanted to never again have to buy generic food, but I paid the bills first and what was left went for groceries. Many times we did without and ate off brand cereal for supper. I can remember when my sister, Linda, would come to town to visit, she would go to Aldi's and stock up on food. I would come home from work and my kitchen floor would be covered with grocery sacks full of food. It was like Christmas to me. She will never know how much I appreciated those times and there were many times she helped me. She and Bob were there many times to lend me money when I didn't have any. They were always there for me.
I sunk really low during those times. I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die. I was relieved to not have to listen to Frank's demands anymore. Little by little I found the girl I had lost all those years ago. I learned that I could make decisions on my own. I could laugh again, I could wash the car and not dry it off, I could raise my girls the way I wanted. I liked who I was becoming for the most part, but there was a girl/woman in me that had been suppressed for years by marriage and obedience. I liked staying up late and eating cereal for breakfast. I liked not eating at the table at supper. I liked that it was just me and my girls. I always wanted to be a mom, but not a wife.
My house became the place for everyone to hang out. My friends came over on the weekends and we would play cards. They would smoke like fiends while I tried to breathe. They drank beer and sometimes smoked grass. It was not a healthy environment for my kids in today's standards but back then it was the norm. I usually was the odd person out because I was the responsible one. I had to be a mom and I had to work. I couldn't 'let go' because I had to think of my children. I felt left out at night when they would leave and go to the bars. I had to stay home and be responsible.
Those were good times too though. None of my friends had much money so we pooled our resources and had many meals together. We were a family of friends. We took turns providing the meat for the meals. One time one of the guys actually shot a rabbit and brought it home for dinner that night. That was the night I ate a bologna sandwich. He told stories of how the rabbit screamed as it died, it was horrible! Another time one of the guys brought a live chicken to my house. We named him, Mr Kentucky, and he watched TV with us that night. The next day they took him in my basement and killed him. They fixed him for dinner. I had another bologna sandwich.
I found that being with my friends was what I lived for. I started to feel like I was living the life I had missed out on by marrying so very young. I probably wasn't the best of mother's back then. I regret that too. I was torn between being extremely responsible and being the wild girl that never got to party. Sometimes I made the right decision and sometimes I didn't.
One of the worst decisions that I made at that time was meeting, Mike Carlson. He was from California and was a friend of some of my weekend buddies. He had long hair and looked like, Conan the Barbarian, from the movies. He was rough, tough and ruggedly handsome. He was a charmer...he was trouble. He had no place to live so I let him stay with us. I fell 'in love' with him but it was never reciprocated. He put up with me and my adoring ways just to have a place to live. Sometimes I would sit and watch him drink, hoping that he would get so drunk that he would find me attractive. I think over the years we probably did have sex a couple of times...but even liquor didn't change the way he felt about me. I was like a sister to him...those dreaded words of, 'I love you like a sister' rang true for him.
This unhealthy relationship/friendship would carry on for 4-5 years before I finally had enough. He came in and out of our lives many times over the years. He had crazy girlfriends that would drive by my house at night, beat on my windows, call me names and he would cower inside. He loved my daughters and played with them. I thought it was good for them to have a 'father figure' in their lives. That is another regret I have.
I never knew when Mike, would be at my house. I could come home late at night and he would be asleep on my couch. I would welcome him back with open arms because in the back of my mind I thought one day he would realize I was the girl for him. I supported him financially while he attended welding school to become a union welder. He promised to pay me back, to buy me a new couch, to take care of us when he starting making money...promises that were all left undone. He moved out as soon as he started making money. But he returned many times after that. He always had a stack of cash, twenties usually on my dresser. I doubt that he even knew how much money he had because he was always drunk. I started taking one or two twenties off the stack to buy groceries, I never told him. I felt guilty about it, I shouldn't have, but I did.
Mike and I parted ways when I moved to Kansas City. I left town partly to get away from him. I couldn't say no to him. Even after I moved away, I continued to visit him and his new wife and family. He had a son and a beautiful little red headed daughter. His wife was a gentle and kind spirit. I took my daughters with me when visited. I finally felt comfortable with him as my 'brother' and maintained the relationship in that manner. I still found him wildly attractive but I no longer fantasized about a relationship with him. I had moved on. He and his wife later divorced and he moved on to yet another relationship. It was many years later that my daughter came to me and told me that he had sexually molested her at night, when I was asleep in my bed and I thought he was asleep on my couch. I was so extremely devastated. How could he do that to my child?
When I did finally find out many years had passed since the molestation. I contacted the security department at Yellow Freight to him them track him down. They came to me in 24 hrs with his address, all of his neighbors addresses, more information then I ever dreamed possible. He was living with a woman that had young daughters. I contacted his former wife to ask why they had divorced only to find out that he had sexually molested his precious, tiny daughter since she was a toddler. His daughter was under psychiatric care because of what here dad had done to her. I was sick to my stomach, why hadn't I seen what he was? Why was I so blind, so stupid, so irresponsible?
I had Mike's phone number so I called his new wife/girlfriend and told her what he was. I told she had to protect her daughters before he hurt them. She, like me, didn't believe that he could be like that. She didn't listen, she hung up on me. I waited until later and I called again. Mike answered the phone. I told him who I was, he was thrilled to hear from me. He kept saying, "Oh, Kath, I love you, I miss you so much, I am so glad you called." He had no idea that I knew what he really was. I told him I knew what he had done, I told him I hated him, that I would haunt him forever and that I would tell everyone. He cried and denied everything. Everyone was a liar, not him, he would never hurt anyone. Bullshit! I hung up on him. I did call him and remind him for years...I finally realized it didn't change anything so I quit calling.
There is so much that I have forgotten that first year of my divorce. It was so painful, it was so hard and I had so many regrets. What would happen to me, to my girls....who would take care of me now. Frank was right no one would ever want me.
I had to learn to grocery shop in a different manner too. I could only afford the generic brand of food. Everything we had in our cupboards was wrapped in a white label with black lettering. The green beans always had part of the stalk in the can, it was gross and I hated it. I wanted to have Del Monte in my cupboard again. I wanted to never again have to buy generic food, but I paid the bills first and what was left went for groceries. Many times we did without and ate off brand cereal for supper. I can remember when my sister, Linda, would come to town to visit, she would go to Aldi's and stock up on food. I would come home from work and my kitchen floor would be covered with grocery sacks full of food. It was like Christmas to me. She will never know how much I appreciated those times and there were many times she helped me. She and Bob were there many times to lend me money when I didn't have any. They were always there for me.
I sunk really low during those times. I didn't want to live, I didn't want to die. I was relieved to not have to listen to Frank's demands anymore. Little by little I found the girl I had lost all those years ago. I learned that I could make decisions on my own. I could laugh again, I could wash the car and not dry it off, I could raise my girls the way I wanted. I liked who I was becoming for the most part, but there was a girl/woman in me that had been suppressed for years by marriage and obedience. I liked staying up late and eating cereal for breakfast. I liked not eating at the table at supper. I liked that it was just me and my girls. I always wanted to be a mom, but not a wife.
My house became the place for everyone to hang out. My friends came over on the weekends and we would play cards. They would smoke like fiends while I tried to breathe. They drank beer and sometimes smoked grass. It was not a healthy environment for my kids in today's standards but back then it was the norm. I usually was the odd person out because I was the responsible one. I had to be a mom and I had to work. I couldn't 'let go' because I had to think of my children. I felt left out at night when they would leave and go to the bars. I had to stay home and be responsible.
Those were good times too though. None of my friends had much money so we pooled our resources and had many meals together. We were a family of friends. We took turns providing the meat for the meals. One time one of the guys actually shot a rabbit and brought it home for dinner that night. That was the night I ate a bologna sandwich. He told stories of how the rabbit screamed as it died, it was horrible! Another time one of the guys brought a live chicken to my house. We named him, Mr Kentucky, and he watched TV with us that night. The next day they took him in my basement and killed him. They fixed him for dinner. I had another bologna sandwich.
I found that being with my friends was what I lived for. I started to feel like I was living the life I had missed out on by marrying so very young. I probably wasn't the best of mother's back then. I regret that too. I was torn between being extremely responsible and being the wild girl that never got to party. Sometimes I made the right decision and sometimes I didn't.
One of the worst decisions that I made at that time was meeting, Mike Carlson. He was from California and was a friend of some of my weekend buddies. He had long hair and looked like, Conan the Barbarian, from the movies. He was rough, tough and ruggedly handsome. He was a charmer...he was trouble. He had no place to live so I let him stay with us. I fell 'in love' with him but it was never reciprocated. He put up with me and my adoring ways just to have a place to live. Sometimes I would sit and watch him drink, hoping that he would get so drunk that he would find me attractive. I think over the years we probably did have sex a couple of times...but even liquor didn't change the way he felt about me. I was like a sister to him...those dreaded words of, 'I love you like a sister' rang true for him.
This unhealthy relationship/friendship would carry on for 4-5 years before I finally had enough. He came in and out of our lives many times over the years. He had crazy girlfriends that would drive by my house at night, beat on my windows, call me names and he would cower inside. He loved my daughters and played with them. I thought it was good for them to have a 'father figure' in their lives. That is another regret I have.
I never knew when Mike, would be at my house. I could come home late at night and he would be asleep on my couch. I would welcome him back with open arms because in the back of my mind I thought one day he would realize I was the girl for him. I supported him financially while he attended welding school to become a union welder. He promised to pay me back, to buy me a new couch, to take care of us when he starting making money...promises that were all left undone. He moved out as soon as he started making money. But he returned many times after that. He always had a stack of cash, twenties usually on my dresser. I doubt that he even knew how much money he had because he was always drunk. I started taking one or two twenties off the stack to buy groceries, I never told him. I felt guilty about it, I shouldn't have, but I did.
Mike and I parted ways when I moved to Kansas City. I left town partly to get away from him. I couldn't say no to him. Even after I moved away, I continued to visit him and his new wife and family. He had a son and a beautiful little red headed daughter. His wife was a gentle and kind spirit. I took my daughters with me when visited. I finally felt comfortable with him as my 'brother' and maintained the relationship in that manner. I still found him wildly attractive but I no longer fantasized about a relationship with him. I had moved on. He and his wife later divorced and he moved on to yet another relationship. It was many years later that my daughter came to me and told me that he had sexually molested her at night, when I was asleep in my bed and I thought he was asleep on my couch. I was so extremely devastated. How could he do that to my child?
When I did finally find out many years had passed since the molestation. I contacted the security department at Yellow Freight to him them track him down. They came to me in 24 hrs with his address, all of his neighbors addresses, more information then I ever dreamed possible. He was living with a woman that had young daughters. I contacted his former wife to ask why they had divorced only to find out that he had sexually molested his precious, tiny daughter since she was a toddler. His daughter was under psychiatric care because of what here dad had done to her. I was sick to my stomach, why hadn't I seen what he was? Why was I so blind, so stupid, so irresponsible?
I had Mike's phone number so I called his new wife/girlfriend and told her what he was. I told she had to protect her daughters before he hurt them. She, like me, didn't believe that he could be like that. She didn't listen, she hung up on me. I waited until later and I called again. Mike answered the phone. I told him who I was, he was thrilled to hear from me. He kept saying, "Oh, Kath, I love you, I miss you so much, I am so glad you called." He had no idea that I knew what he really was. I told him I knew what he had done, I told him I hated him, that I would haunt him forever and that I would tell everyone. He cried and denied everything. Everyone was a liar, not him, he would never hurt anyone. Bullshit! I hung up on him. I did call him and remind him for years...I finally realized it didn't change anything so I quit calling.
There is so much that I have forgotten that first year of my divorce. It was so painful, it was so hard and I had so many regrets. What would happen to me, to my girls....who would take care of me now. Frank was right no one would ever want me.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Starting a new life
I was awarded custody of the girls and Frank was ordered to pay child support of $35 per week per child a total of $70.00. He was fine with the arrangements at first. He loved the girls and missed them desperately. At first he did visit with them at the appointed time per the court. I was happy for him to take the girls anytime he wanted them. I wanted him to be their daddy, to be in their lives. He told me how hard it was to leave them when his visitation was over. I knew it was and I also knew that it would have been impossible for me for not have them in my life everyday. We did both love the girls unconditionally. We even loved each other but not enough to make a life together.
Frank seemed to go on with his life and he seemed be blooming into a new person. After the divorce I had a rough time adjusting to my new life. I was living in a new place and sleeping on a broken couch. My dining room chairs were held together with wire and wiggled when we sat in them. Frank was still living in our house waiting for the sale to go through. He was busy furnishing his mobile home. His new car had arrived and he was living the life of the perfect bachelor. I was lonely and miserable, what had I done to myself and my children?
Finally the sale of the house went through, we were able to get completely out of debt and start fresh. Frank had perfect credit...I had none. Nothing had been in my name, everything was a joint account. It didn't matter that I had paid the bills and maintained the household budget. I had not held a job for almost 7 years...I was nothing in the world of credit. I couldn't even be a member of the Mueller Credit Union anymore! I felt like a third class citizen. I was angry but it didn't matter. I had to rebuild my life, my credit, my banking account. It wasn't right, it was fair...but no one said life is fair.
I was working steady now and taking the girls to a daycare. The lady I had hired was about my age. She and I would visit after work while the kids played. She and I became friends, it was nice to have a girlfriend to talk to. I had missed that for many years. Unfortunately, our friendship didn't last long. I found out that she and her husband had an 'open' marriage and they were swingers. She asked me to sleep with her husband. Being the polite person I was I thanked her for considering me but declined the offer. It was very hard to take the girls to her house after that, but I had no other options. My visits after work stopped and I lost the one friend that I had. I began a search for a new sitter but couldn't find one for a long time.
My sister and her husband owned a small 2 bedroom house not far from my duplex. It was in the same school district that Jennifer attended. The rent was more than what I was currently paying but I could rent out the garage for $40 a month for storage to a friend. I was excited. I would live in a house again. I would be able to hook up my washer and dryer and do laundry at home again. I was thrilled. I moved into my new home and life started to look brighter.
Frank had moved to his new home but our king sized bed wouldn't fit in his bedroom, so he gave it to me. I finally could sleep in a real bed again. I still wasn't able to get the 'click' couch to sit in an upright position so someone gave me one they were going to throw away. It was bright orange, red and yellow striped velour. I was thrilled to have it! My sister, Janet, gave me a green vinyl rocker to complete my new living room set. I had rust color shag carpet that I had laid myself and a real fireplace! Wow, my life was going to be great!
Frank had quit visiting with the girls. I was surprised by that decision. He told me it hurt him to much to not see them all the time. It was easier for him to pretend they didn't exist. I really think he meant what he said. I knew he loved them and I knew he missed them. I didn't think he would actually stop seeing them altogether though. I didn't care that he wasn't going to be a part of our lives anymore...I wanted to move on. He wasn't a part of the equation.
One day I was outside and an older lady came up to me and introduced herself to me. She was a member of St James Catholic Church and had known my mother when I was little. I had went to school with her daughter when we were little. She told me that she did daycare in her home. She asked if she could watch my girls. She lived around the corner from us, within walking distance. She was also $5 per week cheaper. I felt like God had intervened to help me get my girls out of that crazy daycare they were in. I was dancing in the clouds. Finally my kids would be in a good Catholic home, with a large Catholic family. I could feel safe again. She also offered to keep the girls overnight for only $10 additional if I ever wanted a weekend night to myself.
It is funny how trusting we were in those days. I didn't even check out any references for the new sitter. I never toured her house, never asked what they did or what they ate. I relied totally on the fact that they were a good Catholic family, that had known my mother. The father was well known in Decatur and not only had his own business but ran for public office. I was asked not to show up unannounced because they had a bull dog that only liked the children, not the adults. The dog was mean and had to be contained, I believed them...I needed to believe them.
The girls stayed there for 5 years while I continued to work. I began taking advantage of the overnight stays so that I could go out with my friends. There were times when the girls would cry and beg me not to make them spend the night but I ignored them. I thought that they were just trying to get me to stay home. I had no one to help me with the girls, because Frank didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I wanted time to just be me, not mom, just 'me' for a little while. I regret not listening....I regret it...I regret it. It wasn't until many, many years later that I found out that on those nights when I was out having fun, my daughter was being molested by the older boys in the family...the good Catholic family....the family I trusted with my precious children. By the time I found out it was too late to pursue the matter. I had let my children fall in harms way and I didn't even see it.
Frank seemed to go on with his life and he seemed be blooming into a new person. After the divorce I had a rough time adjusting to my new life. I was living in a new place and sleeping on a broken couch. My dining room chairs were held together with wire and wiggled when we sat in them. Frank was still living in our house waiting for the sale to go through. He was busy furnishing his mobile home. His new car had arrived and he was living the life of the perfect bachelor. I was lonely and miserable, what had I done to myself and my children?
Finally the sale of the house went through, we were able to get completely out of debt and start fresh. Frank had perfect credit...I had none. Nothing had been in my name, everything was a joint account. It didn't matter that I had paid the bills and maintained the household budget. I had not held a job for almost 7 years...I was nothing in the world of credit. I couldn't even be a member of the Mueller Credit Union anymore! I felt like a third class citizen. I was angry but it didn't matter. I had to rebuild my life, my credit, my banking account. It wasn't right, it was fair...but no one said life is fair.
I was working steady now and taking the girls to a daycare. The lady I had hired was about my age. She and I would visit after work while the kids played. She and I became friends, it was nice to have a girlfriend to talk to. I had missed that for many years. Unfortunately, our friendship didn't last long. I found out that she and her husband had an 'open' marriage and they were swingers. She asked me to sleep with her husband. Being the polite person I was I thanked her for considering me but declined the offer. It was very hard to take the girls to her house after that, but I had no other options. My visits after work stopped and I lost the one friend that I had. I began a search for a new sitter but couldn't find one for a long time.
My sister and her husband owned a small 2 bedroom house not far from my duplex. It was in the same school district that Jennifer attended. The rent was more than what I was currently paying but I could rent out the garage for $40 a month for storage to a friend. I was excited. I would live in a house again. I would be able to hook up my washer and dryer and do laundry at home again. I was thrilled. I moved into my new home and life started to look brighter.
Frank had moved to his new home but our king sized bed wouldn't fit in his bedroom, so he gave it to me. I finally could sleep in a real bed again. I still wasn't able to get the 'click' couch to sit in an upright position so someone gave me one they were going to throw away. It was bright orange, red and yellow striped velour. I was thrilled to have it! My sister, Janet, gave me a green vinyl rocker to complete my new living room set. I had rust color shag carpet that I had laid myself and a real fireplace! Wow, my life was going to be great!
Frank had quit visiting with the girls. I was surprised by that decision. He told me it hurt him to much to not see them all the time. It was easier for him to pretend they didn't exist. I really think he meant what he said. I knew he loved them and I knew he missed them. I didn't think he would actually stop seeing them altogether though. I didn't care that he wasn't going to be a part of our lives anymore...I wanted to move on. He wasn't a part of the equation.
One day I was outside and an older lady came up to me and introduced herself to me. She was a member of St James Catholic Church and had known my mother when I was little. I had went to school with her daughter when we were little. She told me that she did daycare in her home. She asked if she could watch my girls. She lived around the corner from us, within walking distance. She was also $5 per week cheaper. I felt like God had intervened to help me get my girls out of that crazy daycare they were in. I was dancing in the clouds. Finally my kids would be in a good Catholic home, with a large Catholic family. I could feel safe again. She also offered to keep the girls overnight for only $10 additional if I ever wanted a weekend night to myself.
It is funny how trusting we were in those days. I didn't even check out any references for the new sitter. I never toured her house, never asked what they did or what they ate. I relied totally on the fact that they were a good Catholic family, that had known my mother. The father was well known in Decatur and not only had his own business but ran for public office. I was asked not to show up unannounced because they had a bull dog that only liked the children, not the adults. The dog was mean and had to be contained, I believed them...I needed to believe them.
The girls stayed there for 5 years while I continued to work. I began taking advantage of the overnight stays so that I could go out with my friends. There were times when the girls would cry and beg me not to make them spend the night but I ignored them. I thought that they were just trying to get me to stay home. I had no one to help me with the girls, because Frank didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I wanted time to just be me, not mom, just 'me' for a little while. I regret not listening....I regret it...I regret it. It wasn't until many, many years later that I found out that on those nights when I was out having fun, my daughter was being molested by the older boys in the family...the good Catholic family....the family I trusted with my precious children. By the time I found out it was too late to pursue the matter. I had let my children fall in harms way and I didn't even see it.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Divorce
After we had both agreed to divorce, I suddenly realized in had no plan. I had been a 'stay at home mom' for 5 years and I had no money of my own. I felt extremely guilty about the divorce so I wanted to make it easy on Frank. He never wanted the divorce, he just knew I wasn't going to change my mind. We were still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed but going in different directions. I loved Frank but I wasn't 'in love' with him and I don't know if I ever was. I think I still feel some sort of love for him even after all these years...it baffles me to this day. Maybe because we needed each other so much in the beginning, we made our little family together, many reasons I guess.
I had to look for a job and a place to live. I could have legally stayed in our house until the kids were 18 but we needed to sell the house to pay our bills. I wouldn't have even been responsible for the bills, if my attorney had had his way. I felt like Frank was the one that went to work everyday and earned the living. I stayed home, watched TV, ate, and racked up his credit cards shopping. I felt guilty for doing those things. I was extremely fair in the divorce settlement almost to a fault. I didn't think I could afford $173.00 for the mortgage payment so I agreed to sell the house!!
I found a job right away at Northtown Bank on Pershing Rd in the bookkeeping department. I had previous experience because I had worked for Soy Capital Bank when I was younger (Frank's 2nd wife ended up working for Soy Capital also, small world). I had a hard time committing to a start date because I couldn't believe the wheels I had put in motion were actually turning. After finding work I had to find childcare for the girls too. I was so scared, I really don't know how I did it.
Frank busied himself too with plans. He started brushing his teeth and wearing cologne, he even bought new clothes. I knew something was up then, brushing his teeth was a drastic change for him. His mother had set him up with a nurse that she worked with at St Mary's. He was starting to date and I hadn't even left yet. All of a sudden I didn't want anyone to have him, I didn't want him to be happy. I planned on keying her car and I didn't even know her. I felt betrayed by his mother and by him. I was miserable.
The wheels kept turning and things kept falling into place. My friend's parents had a duplex they were fixing up to rent. It had two bedrooms and was right next door to Roach Elementary School. Jennifer could walk to school everyday. The rent on the duplex was going to be $185.00, more than the house payment was! I decided to take it. I had to wait awhile because it was being painted so I had to stay with Frank. I found a babysitter for the girls. She charged $40.00 per week for both of the kids. It was a lot of money but she seemed nice and the school had given me her name as a reference.
I was home one day and the phone rang so I answered it. It was the bank letting me know I had been approved for my loan. "Loan, I said, what loan are talking about?" She said, "the loan for your mobile home." "Really, I said, I didn't know I had applied for one." A very flustered young lady on the phone said, "Oh, I am so sorry this loan is in your husband's name not yours. I shouldn't have called you!" So I was moving into a rented old duplex and he was buying a mobile home. He also ordered a brand new 1978, Z28, Camaro, in black to be delivered in the spring! I guess he must have decided the divorce was a good idea after all!
I borrowed money from Household Finance and had my sister, Janet, co-sign for me so I could pay my attorney. He made easy money off me, I wanted nothing, I just wanted out. I gave Frank all of the furniture except for the washer & dryer, the girl's beds and dressers and old broken furniture in the basement. He got the refrigerator, stove, console TV, stereo, our bedroom furniture, living room furniture, the best dishes, towels and everything else. I took very little. I didn't even have a bed, I slept on our old "click" couch that no longer worked. It stayed in a flat position all the time, so when you sat on it for a couch you couldn't lean back without falling.
I had my friend Steve and Frank's brother, Gary, help me move into my duplex. It caused quite a riff between Gary and his family because he had helped me. I couldn't have done it without him and I will always be grateful that he stepped up to help me. I was very close friends with his wife Connie, who is now deceased. Frank's family on the whole continued to be nice and loving to me and the girls up until this very day. On moving day, we moved most of the stuff while Frank was at work. When he came home, he was hot! He locked us all out of the house and wouldn't let us get the last load. He calmed down later and brought over to my new home a few days later.
We were lucky and sold our house quickly. We made enough money to pay off all of our debts and have a little left over. I ended up with the car and he got his truck and motorcycle and some cash from me because the car was worth more. It was a very favorable divorce for Frank. I actually moved out of the house in November but the divorce wasn't final until March the following year.
At first when I moved out, Frank still had all of the bills to pay at our house. He was making the car payments too. His buddies told him how stupid he was for paying for my car while I was driving it...so he took it from me! Just like that, he came over took the car and hid from me. I didn't have a way to work. That is what he wanted, he wanted me to come home. He wanted to have control over me again. I was determined not to let that happen. I made a few calls. My brother-in-law, Bob, called a friend of his and his buddy let me borrow his car.
Now I have to tell you I wasn't in a position to be picky. I had to take what I was given. That was a 1960 something Ford Fairlane. It ran well but the drivers door was broken. I had to drive with the window partially down in the winter so I could tie it closed with a rope! I did it! I drove that car until Frank relented and brought mine back. He no longer could control me. I was proud of myself.
I do have regrets about divorcing Frank. I regret not standing up to him. I regret not talking to him and telling him what was wrong, what I needed from him. I never gave him a chance to make things right because, I didn't think he would do it for me. I didn't think I was worth saving. I didn't think he loved me enough to make the changes I needed. The only attempt he made at getting back together was to tell me that his lawyer told him that we should reconcile. I think that was his way of telling me he wanted to make it work. Instead it pissed me off that he was speaking the words of his attorney, not himself.
I cried that day in the courtroom. Frank didn't even show up for the divorce. It was March 15th, the Ides of March. I was free at last. I was scared. I was alone. I cried that day, I had destroyed my family....
I had to look for a job and a place to live. I could have legally stayed in our house until the kids were 18 but we needed to sell the house to pay our bills. I wouldn't have even been responsible for the bills, if my attorney had had his way. I felt like Frank was the one that went to work everyday and earned the living. I stayed home, watched TV, ate, and racked up his credit cards shopping. I felt guilty for doing those things. I was extremely fair in the divorce settlement almost to a fault. I didn't think I could afford $173.00 for the mortgage payment so I agreed to sell the house!!
I found a job right away at Northtown Bank on Pershing Rd in the bookkeeping department. I had previous experience because I had worked for Soy Capital Bank when I was younger (Frank's 2nd wife ended up working for Soy Capital also, small world). I had a hard time committing to a start date because I couldn't believe the wheels I had put in motion were actually turning. After finding work I had to find childcare for the girls too. I was so scared, I really don't know how I did it.
Frank busied himself too with plans. He started brushing his teeth and wearing cologne, he even bought new clothes. I knew something was up then, brushing his teeth was a drastic change for him. His mother had set him up with a nurse that she worked with at St Mary's. He was starting to date and I hadn't even left yet. All of a sudden I didn't want anyone to have him, I didn't want him to be happy. I planned on keying her car and I didn't even know her. I felt betrayed by his mother and by him. I was miserable.
The wheels kept turning and things kept falling into place. My friend's parents had a duplex they were fixing up to rent. It had two bedrooms and was right next door to Roach Elementary School. Jennifer could walk to school everyday. The rent on the duplex was going to be $185.00, more than the house payment was! I decided to take it. I had to wait awhile because it was being painted so I had to stay with Frank. I found a babysitter for the girls. She charged $40.00 per week for both of the kids. It was a lot of money but she seemed nice and the school had given me her name as a reference.
I was home one day and the phone rang so I answered it. It was the bank letting me know I had been approved for my loan. "Loan, I said, what loan are talking about?" She said, "the loan for your mobile home." "Really, I said, I didn't know I had applied for one." A very flustered young lady on the phone said, "Oh, I am so sorry this loan is in your husband's name not yours. I shouldn't have called you!" So I was moving into a rented old duplex and he was buying a mobile home. He also ordered a brand new 1978, Z28, Camaro, in black to be delivered in the spring! I guess he must have decided the divorce was a good idea after all!
I borrowed money from Household Finance and had my sister, Janet, co-sign for me so I could pay my attorney. He made easy money off me, I wanted nothing, I just wanted out. I gave Frank all of the furniture except for the washer & dryer, the girl's beds and dressers and old broken furniture in the basement. He got the refrigerator, stove, console TV, stereo, our bedroom furniture, living room furniture, the best dishes, towels and everything else. I took very little. I didn't even have a bed, I slept on our old "click" couch that no longer worked. It stayed in a flat position all the time, so when you sat on it for a couch you couldn't lean back without falling.
I had my friend Steve and Frank's brother, Gary, help me move into my duplex. It caused quite a riff between Gary and his family because he had helped me. I couldn't have done it without him and I will always be grateful that he stepped up to help me. I was very close friends with his wife Connie, who is now deceased. Frank's family on the whole continued to be nice and loving to me and the girls up until this very day. On moving day, we moved most of the stuff while Frank was at work. When he came home, he was hot! He locked us all out of the house and wouldn't let us get the last load. He calmed down later and brought over to my new home a few days later.
We were lucky and sold our house quickly. We made enough money to pay off all of our debts and have a little left over. I ended up with the car and he got his truck and motorcycle and some cash from me because the car was worth more. It was a very favorable divorce for Frank. I actually moved out of the house in November but the divorce wasn't final until March the following year.
At first when I moved out, Frank still had all of the bills to pay at our house. He was making the car payments too. His buddies told him how stupid he was for paying for my car while I was driving it...so he took it from me! Just like that, he came over took the car and hid from me. I didn't have a way to work. That is what he wanted, he wanted me to come home. He wanted to have control over me again. I was determined not to let that happen. I made a few calls. My brother-in-law, Bob, called a friend of his and his buddy let me borrow his car.
Now I have to tell you I wasn't in a position to be picky. I had to take what I was given. That was a 1960 something Ford Fairlane. It ran well but the drivers door was broken. I had to drive with the window partially down in the winter so I could tie it closed with a rope! I did it! I drove that car until Frank relented and brought mine back. He no longer could control me. I was proud of myself.
I do have regrets about divorcing Frank. I regret not standing up to him. I regret not talking to him and telling him what was wrong, what I needed from him. I never gave him a chance to make things right because, I didn't think he would do it for me. I didn't think I was worth saving. I didn't think he loved me enough to make the changes I needed. The only attempt he made at getting back together was to tell me that his lawyer told him that we should reconcile. I think that was his way of telling me he wanted to make it work. Instead it pissed me off that he was speaking the words of his attorney, not himself.
I cried that day in the courtroom. Frank didn't even show up for the divorce. It was March 15th, the Ides of March. I was free at last. I was scared. I was alone. I cried that day, I had destroyed my family....
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Making a decision
Sometimes I think being married into Frank's family was like being part of the Mafia. They were a family that lived by their own rules, the rules the rest of us lived by didn't apply to them. They were not close, but they were tight. They didn't speak to each other often but if one was in trouble you could be assured that the whole family would be at your doorstep. They all had secrets...lots of secrets. Almost everyone in the family knew the secrets, but we weren't to tell anyone that we knew. It was a crazy system. I hate liars, I am a very open and honest person, almost to a fault. My policy is, if you don't want to know what I am thinking then don't ask me! I was afraid what would happen if Frank and I divorced. The brothers were known to move furniture out of the house and hide it at another family members house if divorce was on the horizon. They would 'sell' to each other for a $1 and then buy it back after the divorce.
We spent a lot of time with Frank's family because he didn't like me spending time with my family. I just went along, to get along. Every, 4th of July, went to Argenta, Il, to spend the day with his sister and her family. It was a fun day for the most part. I can remember, July 1977, I was sitting by myself in a lawn chair looking at everyone. I was thinking to myself that I would never be a part of this again. This was my last year, of spending, 4th of July, with his family. I was sad and excited. I loved his family, they were always good to me. I think they felt sorry for me sometimes. They knew in the back of their minds what life was like for me. Frank was lazy and didn't know how to do anything. He always had to call his brothers to help with household fixes. I would miss his family in my own way.
In my mind, I started back that summer to make plans to leave Frank. I was still hoping that when August rolled around that the 2 weeks at summer camp would be enough to get me through. That wasn't going to happen, as it turned out. I must have started acting differently because Frank knew something was wrong. I remember standing in the living room looking out the window, feeling so alone. Frank said to me out of the blue, "I'm thinking about enlisting in the Army." I turned around and looked at him and said, "What are you talking about?" It opened the flood gate that needed to be opened. I said, "You know I am unhappy, don't you?" I don't know if he really did or not but he agreed. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I think he was deeply shocked and surprised, but he never let it show. He did what he always did when he was mad, he left on his motorcycle.
I sat on the couch for along time after he left. I was in shock, I had said it out loud. I wanted a DIVORCE! There it was out, I couldn't unring the bell once it had been rung. I was living alone anyway or at least it felt that way. I don't think I have ever been as frighten as I was that day. I was worried what Frank might do too, but I really didn't care anymore either. I felt a sense of freedom but not much had changed...I just opened my mouth and the words tumbled out.
I sat alone in my dazed world for awhile when I heard Frank's motorcycle pull into the driveway. I could feel my stomach knot up into it's familiar ball of nerves. Would he be angry...would he hit me...what would happen now? No one divorced from the family and got away scott free.
The man that walked in the door looked like a broken shell of the person I had seen only hours earlier. He sat next to me on the couch and cried. He told me that he had tried to kill himself on his motorcycle but he didn't have the nerve to do it. He wanted me and the girls to have his life insurance and he would be out of our lives for good. I couldn't believe what I was hearing....this man wanted to kill himself for me?
But my heart had harden over time and I wasn't going to stop what I had already started. I was going to be on my own and I was going to raise my children without him. I wasn't going to fall for the tears I wasn't going to listen to false promises...I was done. The tears were much too late...the words meant nothing, I had made a decision and I wasn't backing down now.
We spent a lot of time with Frank's family because he didn't like me spending time with my family. I just went along, to get along. Every, 4th of July, went to Argenta, Il, to spend the day with his sister and her family. It was a fun day for the most part. I can remember, July 1977, I was sitting by myself in a lawn chair looking at everyone. I was thinking to myself that I would never be a part of this again. This was my last year, of spending, 4th of July, with his family. I was sad and excited. I loved his family, they were always good to me. I think they felt sorry for me sometimes. They knew in the back of their minds what life was like for me. Frank was lazy and didn't know how to do anything. He always had to call his brothers to help with household fixes. I would miss his family in my own way.
In my mind, I started back that summer to make plans to leave Frank. I was still hoping that when August rolled around that the 2 weeks at summer camp would be enough to get me through. That wasn't going to happen, as it turned out. I must have started acting differently because Frank knew something was wrong. I remember standing in the living room looking out the window, feeling so alone. Frank said to me out of the blue, "I'm thinking about enlisting in the Army." I turned around and looked at him and said, "What are you talking about?" It opened the flood gate that needed to be opened. I said, "You know I am unhappy, don't you?" I don't know if he really did or not but he agreed. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I think he was deeply shocked and surprised, but he never let it show. He did what he always did when he was mad, he left on his motorcycle.
I sat on the couch for along time after he left. I was in shock, I had said it out loud. I wanted a DIVORCE! There it was out, I couldn't unring the bell once it had been rung. I was living alone anyway or at least it felt that way. I don't think I have ever been as frighten as I was that day. I was worried what Frank might do too, but I really didn't care anymore either. I felt a sense of freedom but not much had changed...I just opened my mouth and the words tumbled out.
I sat alone in my dazed world for awhile when I heard Frank's motorcycle pull into the driveway. I could feel my stomach knot up into it's familiar ball of nerves. Would he be angry...would he hit me...what would happen now? No one divorced from the family and got away scott free.
The man that walked in the door looked like a broken shell of the person I had seen only hours earlier. He sat next to me on the couch and cried. He told me that he had tried to kill himself on his motorcycle but he didn't have the nerve to do it. He wanted me and the girls to have his life insurance and he would be out of our lives for good. I couldn't believe what I was hearing....this man wanted to kill himself for me?
But my heart had harden over time and I wasn't going to stop what I had already started. I was going to be on my own and I was going to raise my children without him. I wasn't going to fall for the tears I wasn't going to listen to false promises...I was done. The tears were much too late...the words meant nothing, I had made a decision and I wasn't backing down now.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Difficult times...
Steffie, me (in my blue night gown) and JennyAfter Stephanie was born, I think that was one of the most difficult times of my life. I was never diagnosed with post partum depression but I think I most definitely had it. I could feel that Frank and I were growing further and further apart. My babies were my life my redeeming grace. Frank left us alone a lot to ride around in his truck or to ride his motorcycle. He spent a lot of time at his friends house, the same ones that stood up with us at our wedding. They were and unusual couple and I really didn't feel part of them. They had an 'open' marriage and often hosted drinking parties at their house. There were underage girls there quite often. (The husband, Jeff, the best man was later arrested for sexually molesting his 5 y/o daughter. He died in prison.)
Frank's name was hooked to a 15 y/o girl name Gloria, (which he would marry later in life.) She was a wild child and had been around the block a time or two. She was pregnant at fifteen and it was rumored that Frank was the father. He had also been linked to her best friend Marlena. I didn't believe the rumors, after all he didn't want sex with me so why would he want it with them? I was very naive'. He was the one that came home and told me the rumors, we just laughed at them. Gloria, was the babysitter for his friends, so she was at the house most of the time he was there. There were other girls that wanted Frank too. No one could understand what he would see in a 200lb+ woman like me. I couldn't understand it either. But believe it or not we loved each other.
My eating was out of control again. I lived in a blue nightgown. I didn't wash my hair, take a bath, or brush my teeth for days on end. I could barely function. I did try to get dressed right before Frank came home from work. I would have supper ready and the house straighten but that was all done at the last minute. During the day I sat and watched soap opera's because their lives seemed so glamorous. Jennifer helped me to take care of Stephanie. I was in such a fog, I don't remember many details of that time. I am sure I wasn't a very good mother.
Stephanie's eyes were noticeably crossed but I ignored it. At one of her checkups the doctor said it out loud, so I had to acknowledge it. I had to do something about it. He told me it was a birth defect. For the rest of my life I carried guilt for having caused the birth defect...surely it was the nose spray I had used. She was late in walking and I think it was because she couldn't focus. Her line of vision was very fuzzy. I did not push her because I didn't want to her to grow up. I wanted her to be my baby forever.
I was not the only one that was not very hygienic. Frank hadn't brushed his teeth in over a year! He had poor dental care growing up, probably never seeing a dentist as a young boy. By the time he got to see a dentist they had to pull all of his upper teeth. He had to get an upper plate. Between both of us not taking care of ourselves, I think we both knew that life wasn't good. But we didn't know how to communicate it to each other. I said nothing, he said nothing.
Frank and I never had an argument because I was afraid to dispute anything he said. I was afraid he would leave me. I regret doing that now because my anger turned inward and I destroyed myself in the process of holding it all inside. I began to detach myself from Frank, months before I ever left him. It was easier for me because I was ready, he wasn't.
Frank and I had started bowling on a couples league with our friends, Steve & Cathy. Frank was a really good bowler and was on two men's leagues already. We pretty much raised Jennifer in the bowling alley. I used to love to watch him bowl but I was always on guard. Frank would grill me on bowling etiquette what to do and not to do. I was not to talk to the other bowlers unless they addressed me first. I did enjoy visiting with the other wives though. I learned how to crochet from one of the wife's. I took bowling lessons in the mornings to learn to bowl. I loved to bowl but I am not good at it. Frank would get really angry at me when we bowled on the couples league. He criticized every ball I threw. I was a nervous wreck. Once when it was hot in the bowling alley, I stood by the fan on the ball return and let the air blow up my blouse. Frank was furious! I had embarrassed him. Steve and Cathy laughed about it, but Frank packed up his ball right then and there and left. We were in the middle of league bowling against another team. I was mortified, but finally others could see how he treated me.
After Frank left me stranded at the bowling alley. I stayed and had a Coke with Steve and Cathy. For the first time I talked about our marriage to someone. I told them everything from the very beginning. I think they were totally shocked. I felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from me. Finally someone knew what my life was like. I told them we hadn't had sex in 18 months. We were like friends living together raising children. I think that happens more than anyone wants to admit. I didn't want to live that way at 24 y/o.
That was the last night we bowled together. Frank quit the couples league and we never spoke about it again. National Guard summer camp was coming up with in a month or so. Frank would be gone for 2 weeks. I was hanging on until then. I knew I could make it another year if I was able to have those 2 weeks to regroup in my head. I wanted to be married til death due us part...(thank goodness I didn't wait for that to happen!) Things changed between us after that night. I changed. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Someone knew my secret. Steve had always been a close friend to us. He and I became closer after that. He would stop by when Frank was at work and just sit and talk to me. He made me feel good about myself. I started taking care of myself again. I started losing weight. I looked forward to his visits.
I don't really remember how it started but things eventually became physical between Steve and I. He was attracted to me, but he was also known as a player. He cheated on his wife, Cathy, and she returned the favor. She even had a brief encounter with Frank. It was a mixed up time of secrets between all of us. Steve and I never actually had sex while I was married, but there was a lot of kissing and flirting going on. He gave me the courage to become myself again. I no longer even slightly resembled the girl Frank had married or been attracted to just 6 years ago.
I was so depressed I didn't want to live any longer. The only reason I didn't commit suicide is because of my girls. I didn't want anyone else to raise them. They needed me and I certainly needed them. I did go see a counselor once at the Macon County Mental Health Clinic. I cried the entire session, I don't even know if I spoke to him. I never went back, but I did start on antidepressants.
In my head I started to make plans to leave Frank. I was better off alone. I wouldn't have to answer to him anymore, I wouldn't have to be perfect. I felt like a single parent anyway. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was going to change my life. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that summer camp was just around the corner for the National Guard. I just needed to hang on a little longer.
Frank's name was hooked to a 15 y/o girl name Gloria, (which he would marry later in life.) She was a wild child and had been around the block a time or two. She was pregnant at fifteen and it was rumored that Frank was the father. He had also been linked to her best friend Marlena. I didn't believe the rumors, after all he didn't want sex with me so why would he want it with them? I was very naive'. He was the one that came home and told me the rumors, we just laughed at them. Gloria, was the babysitter for his friends, so she was at the house most of the time he was there. There were other girls that wanted Frank too. No one could understand what he would see in a 200lb+ woman like me. I couldn't understand it either. But believe it or not we loved each other.
My eating was out of control again. I lived in a blue nightgown. I didn't wash my hair, take a bath, or brush my teeth for days on end. I could barely function. I did try to get dressed right before Frank came home from work. I would have supper ready and the house straighten but that was all done at the last minute. During the day I sat and watched soap opera's because their lives seemed so glamorous. Jennifer helped me to take care of Stephanie. I was in such a fog, I don't remember many details of that time. I am sure I wasn't a very good mother.
Stephanie's eyes were noticeably crossed but I ignored it. At one of her checkups the doctor said it out loud, so I had to acknowledge it. I had to do something about it. He told me it was a birth defect. For the rest of my life I carried guilt for having caused the birth defect...surely it was the nose spray I had used. She was late in walking and I think it was because she couldn't focus. Her line of vision was very fuzzy. I did not push her because I didn't want to her to grow up. I wanted her to be my baby forever.
I was not the only one that was not very hygienic. Frank hadn't brushed his teeth in over a year! He had poor dental care growing up, probably never seeing a dentist as a young boy. By the time he got to see a dentist they had to pull all of his upper teeth. He had to get an upper plate. Between both of us not taking care of ourselves, I think we both knew that life wasn't good. But we didn't know how to communicate it to each other. I said nothing, he said nothing.
Frank and I never had an argument because I was afraid to dispute anything he said. I was afraid he would leave me. I regret doing that now because my anger turned inward and I destroyed myself in the process of holding it all inside. I began to detach myself from Frank, months before I ever left him. It was easier for me because I was ready, he wasn't.
Frank and I had started bowling on a couples league with our friends, Steve & Cathy. Frank was a really good bowler and was on two men's leagues already. We pretty much raised Jennifer in the bowling alley. I used to love to watch him bowl but I was always on guard. Frank would grill me on bowling etiquette what to do and not to do. I was not to talk to the other bowlers unless they addressed me first. I did enjoy visiting with the other wives though. I learned how to crochet from one of the wife's. I took bowling lessons in the mornings to learn to bowl. I loved to bowl but I am not good at it. Frank would get really angry at me when we bowled on the couples league. He criticized every ball I threw. I was a nervous wreck. Once when it was hot in the bowling alley, I stood by the fan on the ball return and let the air blow up my blouse. Frank was furious! I had embarrassed him. Steve and Cathy laughed about it, but Frank packed up his ball right then and there and left. We were in the middle of league bowling against another team. I was mortified, but finally others could see how he treated me.
After Frank left me stranded at the bowling alley. I stayed and had a Coke with Steve and Cathy. For the first time I talked about our marriage to someone. I told them everything from the very beginning. I think they were totally shocked. I felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from me. Finally someone knew what my life was like. I told them we hadn't had sex in 18 months. We were like friends living together raising children. I think that happens more than anyone wants to admit. I didn't want to live that way at 24 y/o.
That was the last night we bowled together. Frank quit the couples league and we never spoke about it again. National Guard summer camp was coming up with in a month or so. Frank would be gone for 2 weeks. I was hanging on until then. I knew I could make it another year if I was able to have those 2 weeks to regroup in my head. I wanted to be married til death due us part...(thank goodness I didn't wait for that to happen!) Things changed between us after that night. I changed. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Someone knew my secret. Steve had always been a close friend to us. He and I became closer after that. He would stop by when Frank was at work and just sit and talk to me. He made me feel good about myself. I started taking care of myself again. I started losing weight. I looked forward to his visits.
I don't really remember how it started but things eventually became physical between Steve and I. He was attracted to me, but he was also known as a player. He cheated on his wife, Cathy, and she returned the favor. She even had a brief encounter with Frank. It was a mixed up time of secrets between all of us. Steve and I never actually had sex while I was married, but there was a lot of kissing and flirting going on. He gave me the courage to become myself again. I no longer even slightly resembled the girl Frank had married or been attracted to just 6 years ago.
I was so depressed I didn't want to live any longer. The only reason I didn't commit suicide is because of my girls. I didn't want anyone else to raise them. They needed me and I certainly needed them. I did go see a counselor once at the Macon County Mental Health Clinic. I cried the entire session, I don't even know if I spoke to him. I never went back, but I did start on antidepressants.
In my head I started to make plans to leave Frank. I was better off alone. I wouldn't have to answer to him anymore, I wouldn't have to be perfect. I felt like a single parent anyway. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was going to change my life. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that summer camp was just around the corner for the National Guard. I just needed to hang on a little longer.
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About Me
- MrsNews
- 56 y/o female, Happily married, 3 grandkids, 2 daughters and 1 stepson